Plot: Two Brooklyn plumbers, Mario and Luigi, must travel to another dimension to rescue a princess from the evil dictator King Koopa and stop him from taking over the world. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
Strap your bone on, kid. We’re goin’ in.
Oh-for-five, Oh-for-five. — What percent is that? — I don’t know. Let me think. — I don’t know, but it’s not good.
I’m getting arrested for being a plumber.
Alien species escaping from police detention… — Aliens? We gotta deal with aliens too? — Luigi, we’re the aliens! — We are? Whoa! Cool!
And you know what they say about little girls, don’t you? — No. — Mm? They say… they never forget the first time they’re kissed by a lizard.
Was she corpulent? Very corpulent? — No, she was just really round.
Dance with me. I’ll hit you all you like.
I’d like the Koopa Special. — Pterodactyl tail on that? — Yes. Dino, lizard, hold the mammal, no worms, and…spicy.
These pipes haven’t been serviced for years. — Must’ve been a non-union job.
We gotta do something. We tripped the alarm. What do you think I am? Stupid? — Yes. How we gonna get up? Huh?
Can’t you get somebody to fix the heating? — How can they let us suffer like this? What are they? Cold-blooded? — Yes, moron. They’re reptiles. — Well, just because they’re reptiles…
Hey! You must be the missing girls from Brooklyn. — Except Angelica, she’s from Queens, but she’s all right.
“You must be the great Koopa. — That I am. Ruler of all that you see. A few miserable streets and endless desert.” — Ahh, so like how NY sees the rest of the world
She looks like Marv from Home Alone 2
Things we learned:
The lizard people really are in charge… just in another dimension
Plot: A group of people try to survive when machines start to come alive and become homicidal. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
I think I just loaded my pants
That’s what I was doing before every machine went into Maximum Overdrive (Drink!)
I’ll tell you one thing. — What’s that? — You sure make love like a hero.
I like spoons
They can’t! We made them! You can’t! We made you! Do you hear? Where’s your sense of loyalty? You things! We made you! We made you! Made you! We made you!
You boys are just as crazy as a couple of rats in a plugged-up shithouse!
Viewer Quotes:
And the worst part is it was after Labor day and that man was wearing all white
You know vending machines kill more people on average than sharks
Fuck I could watch kids getting hit with soda cans all day
<Asshole Bible salesman gets hit by truck> — Aww… That looked almost survivable…
I like the Jesus jukebox
Curtis will do anything to get away from you Connie
“How many people do you think peed in this? *guy gets water splashed in his face* How did it taste?” — Listen we already knew he was into water sports…
Poor Deke… first he gets named Deke… then his dad dies…
<building blows up> Oh no! I forgot to clock out! — I guess he is getting… Maximum Overtime
I shot the LAW and the… trucks won
Things we learned:
“I hope /they/ get run over by a truck”
Stephen King was super hopped up on cocaine when he made this (no really, true story)
The lawnmower scene went wrong, shot a splinter into the photography director’s eye causing him to lose it, he successfully sued Stephen King for $18M
Plot: Kung-Fu Action / Comedy / Horror / Musical about the second coming. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
Where have all our lesbians gone?
You don’t know us because we haven’t met before
If I’m not back in 5 minutes call the pope
Hey buddy, you are all up in the kool-aid and you don’t even know the flavor
Viewer Quotes:
<Guy with mohawk puts on motorcycle helmet and it’s got a slot in the top so his mohawk can stick through> Ok so I knew it was going to happen but…. — But it’s still amazing to see
Are they lesbian vampires? Or are they vampires who only eat lesbians? — You are what you eat…
There are no atheists in foxholes because they are all in this jeep
I’m getting a team rocket vibe from the atheists
Who the fuck takes a laptop into a steam room — Someone who shows up at the IT desk and says “I don’t know why it’s not working”
You know I heard Jesus drove a Honda… but he didn’t like to speak about it… “For I do not speak of my own Accord” — That would be funny if we didn’t all already know that joke
He’s having a stroke! Someone save him!
Huh… He almost laughed as long as that woman screamed
It must be a Budweiser so he can bless the water
You’ve got to be kidney-ing me…
Things we learned:
Jesus is an ass-man
If you are going to steal skin make it a lesbian’s?
Nostalgia’s a hell of a drug
You can fit 50 atheists in a car
Final Take:
Keep some mirrors around so you can tell who the vampires, Jesus is really bad at scat, and Canada has some latent lesbian problems they need to deal with.
Plot: A comedy centered on a rock ‘n’ roll band that will do anything to become famous. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
I wanna dedicate this next song to all the lovely ladies in Rockin’ Roger’s rock ‘n’ roll past. And, ladies, if you’re burning and itching, you might wanna see a doctor – immediately.
Montreal, land of Hugo’s birth. Many women will be very pleased to hear of my return. — Yeah, no matter how long you go away, you always come back. You’re like herpes. — Hugo’s not like herpes. — Hugo’s a lot like herpes. — No, he’s not. — Very similar.
Let’s just face it, Joey. We’re both getting a little long in the tooth.
Can we load the gear, please? — <Puts hand on Joey’s shoulder and says very calmly> Yes, Joey, /we/ can.
This is why I broke up with her. — She dumped you. — <Third guy says> Yeah, for being an insensitive prick. Her words, not mine.
Yeah, I know. Um… we hit a little snag. — You want money. — Why… why are you being like that? — You don’t want money? — Yeah, I want money, but there’s no reason to be cruel and weird about it. — I am not being cruel and weird. — Yeah, you are. You’re being cruel and weird, making me feel like total shit.
Sorry, Tyler, I’m a little distracted about my girlfriend throwing a beer bottle at me. — I think it’s pretty safe to call her your ex-girlfriend now.
We should all be afraid of darkness. — I’m afraid of spiders.
Citizenship? — American. — What was the purpose of your trip to Canada? — Uh… yes… Hunting. — Any weapons in the vehicle, sir? — Oh, yeah, yeah, lots of weapons! — Welcome home.
That’s quite a nosebleed (guy is covered in blood). You okay there, bud? — Εverything’s normal. — Good enough for me. Let’s go.
This is Rockin’ Roger and you’re listening to KCOS. Touch yourself, touch your friends, but…don’t touch that dial.
Oh, my God, you smell so good. — It’s about fucking time someone noticed. You know what? I taste really good, too. — Really? — Yeah. — You wanna meet Βaby Βeef? <She goes to her knees, we hear a scream, and we hard-cut to someone taking a bite of a sub sandwich>
Where’d all that blood come from? — From the show. — You just left here clean and you come back covered in mystery blood. You wanna tell me what the fuck is going on?! — You’re stoned? Βye-bye. — What are we smoking?
Nobody likes a judge! — Yeah, no one likes a vampire either.
Dude, let me tell you what I’ve learned in my many, many travels: always use a condom, and never trust a goddamn vampire.
And, dude, being famous ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. Can’t go to a movie, can’t go to a bar, cops arrest you, ask for your autograph. It’s bullshit.
And you, you take Sam down with you? — Sam’s a big boy. — I don’t need people making my decisions. — Yeah, you do! You’re a drummer!
How am I gonna look at myself in the mirror again? — You can’t. You’re a vampire. — <Third guy> Yeah, you just gotta suck it up.
You just released a single. What is it? — It’s called Suck. — I’ve heard it. It does. Oh! Rockin’ Roger on the radio comin’ right to you live! — Did you just say our song sucked on the radio? — No! I said it on television! We’ve hidden the cameras. — What cameras? — Kids, you all have to lay off the drugs, okay?
Yeah. I’m scared, all right?! You happy? — I am not happy. I am vampire. I’m only happy when something dies. — Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Vampires are ultimately cool.
Headline: Vampires eat Jones Brothers
I will put us first, before everything else from now on. I promise. — Garbage? — I’ll take it out. — Toilet seat? — Down. — Sex? — From now on, you come first… in everything.
Viewer Quotes:
Alice Cooper is actually an unscripted part — Is that for real? — No but tell me I’m lying… *1 minute late* Alice Cooper did provide all his own clothes (except for 1 outfit) because he knew they were on a limited budget
He got to Toronto pretty quickly and just walked into the club with a Maglite…
I can’t read the signs — It doesn’t matter, it’s just that he is at a crossroads — The signs are: Fame and Obscurity and then on the other” Future and Past
Oh, he is making a deal with the devil, never mind
“Are you in a band? — Yeah. — Sweet! I used to play in a band! — Really? What kind of stuff did you — Takes me back. Rock on, dudes.” — The power of MUSIC! — The power of rock compels you!
It took me a minute to realize that girl is “Megan Draper”, Don Draper’s second wife — I keep thinking of here as Liv Tyler lite — Budget friendly Liv Tyler — Blue light special Liv Tyler
I’m a big fan of the rough/unexpected audio cuts **10 seconds later the audio picks right back up** Ok, that’s even better
<Vampire stabs straw in guy’s neck and drinks it> — Damn it I thought we were past using straws — That’s why we use metal straws now
(Re: Hugo)We’ve all seen What we do in the Shadows, we know how this ends
With the pole dancing girls I said “I swear the one on the left looks like Paris Hilton” and I went to look it up and immediately wished I hadn’t googled “Is Paris Hilton in suck?”
There are starving vampires in China, you finish your Iggy Pop!
Ahh, BYOB…
Do vampires have to be invited into another vampire’s houses?
Things we learned:
Don’t go home with dandy pretty boy vampires and then not expect your whole band to end up as vampires with regret like 10 days later..
Vampires are the ultimate cool.
Sucks to suck
Vampires appear to be rather common in the music industry
Final Take:
Maybe think more about turning yourself into a vampire… a lot of buyers remorse in this movie. Poor Hugo. When entering into a contract with a vampire request your immortality upfront.
Plot: Two death-obsessed sisters, outcasts in their suburban neighborhood, must deal with the tragic consequences when one of them is bitten by a deadly werewolf. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
Wrists are for girls… I’m slitting my throat.
I get this ache and … I thought it was for sex, but it’s to tear everything into fucking pieces.
Viewer Quotes:
Why doesn’t doesn’t she just cut herself with that attitude? It’s so edgy.
** Stopped the movie to make sure we weren’t going to have to see any more dead dogs/dogs being killed **
Werewolf Baby — Damnit, I was about to say that but my mouth was full of whisky
**Mom puts the fingers in the Tupperware in the fridge** — It’s finger food
Lycanthr-tea, there it is
Drag dealer — he’s not a drug dealer he is self funded botanist — Small batch herb vender — Single planter herbs
Things we learned:
A thick, syrupy, voluminous discharge is not uncommon.
Don’t let your sister’s puberty control your freshman year
Safe sex can prevent Lycanthropy
Your local drug dealer will help you with mystical infections
Plot: A gruff bounty hunter travels back in time to 1980s Los Angeles to stop a twisted criminal who can transform people into zombie-like creatures. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
He was a good cop. … Until a Trancer killed his wife.
“Lost Angeles” on a sign
Did you mean what you said last night? — Yeah, sure. What did I say last night? — Phil, come on! You said that making love to me was like the ethereal union of two lost souls.
Dry hair is for squids.
Security? We’ve got trouble at the North Pole.
If I see you in L.A. again I don’t care if you are a kid or an old lady or a kitty-Kat. I’m going to kick your ass.
Viewer Quotes:
What is Helen Hunt doing in this film?
So this is Blade Runner? — Discount Blade Runner. — This is Butter Knife Runner
How come that guy looks so much like Stephen Fry?
So now we know where Assassins Creed got the idea from
Oh dear god, we have a confederate flag jean jacket
“I’ll kill you and your bitchin’ girlfriend.” — Not “bitch of a” but “bitchin'”
Wait, did he go back in time into his ancestor’s body? <While he is hooking up with his ancestor’s one-night-stand> — We have a real Futurama situation here
That’s Leonard from Community, that’s how I found this movie!
Plot: A group of scientists band together to save the world from mutated killer tomatoes. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
The tomatoes are coming!
Tomatoes can’t fly! — Yeah? — They can’t eat people either, but they’re doing one heck of an impression.
We’ll never have another president as bad as this one.
I know what you mean, Jim. I know what you mean. It’s like trying to stack bibles on whipped cream.
That’s right. You know, they said I’d never get reelected, especially after it got out that I used the Statue of Liberty as collateral on that Arab loan.
“FIA Unmarked Car Pool” – on side of car
We interrupt this program to bring you a special bulletin. The following is an NBS hotline bulletin with Douglas Keikler in New York. NBS… the network that brings you the news as it happens, brings you these bulletins in times of emergency, the news you need to know when you need to know it, on NBS, the network of the news. This NBS news hotline bulletin is brought to you by Schritz Beer. You’re never too drunk to ask for Schritz. And by Bright Gums, the toothpaste for people without teeth or dentures. And by…
*To dead body* — Mr. Dixon has ordered me to inform you that there’s tomato activity in your sector. *Salutes body and walks off*
You know, Dixon, a man stops to think at a time like this about his home, his wife, his kids. — You married, major? — No. — Me either.
You’re awfully confident for a man who has failed twice. — Three times, but who’s counting?
Viewer Quotes:
<Every time it’s referred to as a vegetable> — FRUIT!
She looks William Dafoe with long hair — she is his mother — green goblin grandma — Skeletor’s Sister — Skelet-her
“You go disguise yourself as a tomato and infiltrate their camp.” – I’m calling it, that’s going to be to plot twist that works — *A while later, he says while in the tomato camp eating: “Hey, will somebody please pass the ketchup?” I don’t think it worked*
He remind me of the male lead in The Great Muppet Caper (Charles Grodin)
Why do they have to cover their ears? — Because it’s a terrible song?
How is no one stepping on his parachute? — That’s all I’ve been thinking about since they started running
So the long lost Belushi brother found love with Skeltor’s sister
Things we learned:
The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes song was played as the morning wakeup so Columbia space shuttle, it was an inside joke because they took up 1.5M tomato seeds into space that were then given to school children for experiments
The helicopter crash was real (like it was a mistake), it cost them $60K (more than the rest of the movie combined, $100K total). No one was hurt so they kept it in the movie
The person who sang “Puberty Love” became the drummer for Soundgarden and Pearl Jam
The guy with the parachute ended up being a state senator in CA and ended up getting the law passed that growers in CA had to label if tomatoes were artificially ripened or vine ripened
The guy with the parachute tripped and smacked his head into a car during the dragging scene (he did all of own stunts). They were afraid he might have died, they had no release mechanism for the parachute.
Songs (names by us):
“Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”
Attack of the killer tomatoes attack of the killer tomatoes they’ll beat you, bash you, squish you, mash you chew you up for brunch and finish you off for dinner or lunch they’re marching down the halls they’re crawling up the walls they’re gooey, gushy, squishy, mushy rotten to the core they’re standing outside your door remember Herbert Farbage while taking out his garbage he turned around, and he did see tomatoes hiding in his tree now he’s just a memory I know I’m going to miss her a tomato ate my sister sacramento fell today they’re marching into San Jose tomatoes are on their way the mayor is on vacation the governor’s fled the nation the police have gone on strike today the national guard has run away tomatoes will have their day attack of the killer tomatoes attack of the killer tomatoes they’ll beat you, bash you, squish you, mash you chew you up for brunch and finish you off for dinner or lunch, munch, munch dinner or lunch, munch, munch dinner or lunch
“Mindmaker”
Some sell, some buy, and only we know why the wrap is more important than the prize important decisions are made each day much too important for the plain folk to make they’re always in a bind depend on us to help make up their mind red box, blue box, a red box and a blue box bright colors and a coupon on the side hard sell or soft sell, it’s all the same millions of dollar bills are spent every day where do they all go? Mindmaker’s here to run the show we sell cars and toys for girls and boys and chairs and beds and shrunken heads sugar beets and baseball cleats and ice to eskimos leeks and mink and boats that sink no matter what, we’ll get it sold we’ll use catchy jingles, snappy tunes and pretty girls with big balloons a little lie, a stretch of truth can turn the public’s head there’s TV types and ad execs and everyone’s the best and yet they all look up to a single man and that one single man is… me! They sell, they buy, and only I know why the human mind is putty in my hands important decisions are made each day much more important for the plain folk to make they’re always in a bind depend on me to help make up their mind decision-wise policy-wise, demographically speaking mindmaker!
“Military”
We stopped the Germans in ’45, then we crushed the viet cong (almost) for a greater glory we could never strive this crop uprising will not last long ain’t no time to make a fuss we got to get those tomatoes before they get us we’re gonna beat ’em, mash ’em, squish ’em, bash ’em in the street we’re gonna kick ’em, kick ’em, mush ’em, crush ’em with our feet we’re gonna meet them, munch them, crunch them, gonna stomp ’em in place T-o-m-a-t-o-e-s tomatoes we’ll squish them, we’ll mash them we’ll mush them, we’ll crush them we stopped to negotiate at the first attack we gave ’em Alabama but they gave it right back tomatoes, tomatoes tomatoes they said we’d live together like sister and brother but they captured a cannery and bottled my mother now she’s at the store and they’ll soon be back for more those tomatoes tomatoes
“Puberty Love”
Puberty puberty love there is nothing like puberty love it’s so deep it’s so cool
“The first time I saw you”
The first time i saw you I hated your guts I felt your love for cigarette butts but now that I’ve touched you I always will love you my love for you will never dim until all the fish can’t swim the first time i saw you was such a thrill to me I felt your nose tickle my knee our love will be classy like Timmy and Lassie I know that you’re ever mine until the very end of time
Final Take:
The government never gets any better, the more things change the more things stay the same. There were a number of jokes that didn’t age well.
Plot: Hundreds of dinosaurs created by a biotech firm escape into Los Angeles, and wreak havoc on the city. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
At the end of the day, it’s not about Stocks. Or investments or even old men who can walk again. It’s about cool, Kick ass cool.
I don’t care how crazy it sounds. I need to know.
No. You’re a fire fighter find us a way out. You have to.
Can Dinosaurs climb? … Dr. Carson. You’re a vet. Do Dinosaurs Climb?
You’re not gonna believe this, Dinosaurs have taken over the building. … Son. I am in no mood for Jokes. … Snaps picture on flip phone and sends it with message “No Joke!”
I didn’t ask to bring this freakshow to life! I just made it happen. 🤔
Uncle Leo! I’m trapped. — Thank god. 🤨
…and as you can see the military is in control of the situation. Seemingly they are shooting anything on site, that is big, moving, and reptilian.
And then they just die? <dramatic pause> It depends.
Sir you can’t be here. – I’m LAFD. – Shit! Well then help us!
And his final words were… Final words. Final words. Of course. Rock and Roll.
Hey, you’re really not gonna- Yes you are… <helicopter does a barrel-roll> whoa! You’re good. — I know.
Bye, Bye, Birdie.
Viewer Quotes:
I really hope we get a “Release Me” scene – 3 min later – *dinosaur does independence day scene* 🙌
The back of his chair looks like someone spray painted a cardboard box
Hey, that’s the NuMbEr OnE FiReFiGhTeR iN tHe CiTy, he doesn’t give a shit
Don’t taze me bro
Dinosaur in the kitchen moment!
Get to tha choppar
Things we learned:
Firefighters are universally known and widely respected. Saying you are a firefighter will get SWAT to put down their guns
The city is still full of dinosaurs but seems like a good place to end the movie 🤷♂️ 👍
Final Take:
Firefighters aren’t just cool…. they are kick-ass cool!
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