Bad Movie Wednesday

Note: This was a special watch for one of our group’s birthday.

Date watched: 6/16/21

Starring: Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme

Plot: Two brothers travel to Germany for Oktoberfest, only to stumble upon a secret, centuries-old competition described as a “Fight Club” with beer games. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• I happen to have married that plastic fuck doll!
• (Is performing CPR on husband, pulls something out of her mouth) — Oh, my God, what is that? — Ham.
• Those Germans said our grandfather stole their family recipe. — If he had it, why didn’t he brew it? — Hebrew?
• It’s beautiful. — It’s magical. — It’s laughing at me. — I wish I could brush my teeth with it. — I wanna put my dick in it. — I want it to put its dick in me. (Talking about a beer)
• Krista said she couldn’t handle all the lies and the drinking anymore. She took the kids and left. — Oh, my God. You’ve got kids?
• Wow, you even talk like a whore. — We are all whores in some way, Mr. Finkelstein.
• I don’t know what I would do if somebody shoved a paddle handle up my ass. — Wasn’t the handle. I’ve been shitting pancakes ever since.
• You know, I came to a conference here once. Hookerthon 2002. Fantastic seminars.

Viewer Quotes:

• 🎵Honey, I’m still free take a chance on me🎵
• “You do not speak of Beerfest outside of Beerfest!” — First rule of fight club is you don’t talk about fight club
• Your Gam Gam swallows better than that!
• Kermit wants more!

Things we learned:

• Turn the boot
• The Germans are better at swallowing
• We all sleep better with a little bit of sausage in us
• If you have to ask what it is you can’t afford it

Rule 34 Titles:

• Boobfest
• ZJ-fest

Final Take:

We are all whores in some way – Gam Gam

Date watched: 6/9/21

Starring: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Peter Stormare

Plot: Brother-sister duo Hansel and Gretel are professional witch hunters who help innocent villagers. But they soon stumble upon a case that could hold the key to their past. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Is it hot enough for you now bitch?
• Then again, we hunt witches for a living. What’s normal, really?
• Damn you! — Too late, already damned.

Viewer Quotes:

• It’s so veiny (In reference to the shotgun)
• “A child was taken, ma’am. We’re here to find him and take him back. There’s no children here. Here … There is only death!” — Oh, well then we’ll be going then
• The anachronisms will continue until morale improves
• This is a weird Harry Potter movie
• “Say your name or I’ll pin you to the fucking wall.” — Kinky…
• What are you doing step-troll?
• This pull-string defibrillator is pretty neat
• You’re never too good to beat a bitch with a shovel — That’s what I always say
• Isn’t this on PornHub as “Brother and Sister doubleteam a MILF”? — NO! It’s a WILF

Things we learned:

• It’s a penis
• It’s a dick
• It’s veiny and it’s girth-y

Rule 34 Titles:

• Brother and Sister doubleteam a WILF
• Hansel & Gretel: WILF Hunters

Final Take:

While the plot might be flacid, the firearms are not

Date watched: 6/2/21

Starring: George Manley, Scott Frank, Holly Thorson

Plot: Someone is going medieval on Marla’s friends, brutally killing them one by one. When she tries to tell people what’s happening – a cursed medieval knight is on a rampage – no one believes her. She soon learns that she alone possesses the power to end the mayhem in a family heirloom – The Amulet of Thorns. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Whips, chains, and iron maiden is my Friday night
• That dude might love cock but his parties are legendary
• Guy pukes in sink — No wonder they called it the dark ages… savages! mumbled gibberish
• Said to the naked guy: We’d better get you inside before the dim but ever-present home owners association takes offense to your natural bearing, shall we say my room?
• Who art thy father? — Thou art, thou art!
• Set me free, I’m tired of walking though space
• Police at the crime scene: You want some pie? — Banana cream? — yeah
• Ahh, that’s vintage slut-wear

Viewer Quotes:

• “I know you’re not a slut, neither am I” — Audience Ehhhhhh
• I mean it’s all the dude’s fault, he went for the girl with mommy issues instead of the girl with daddy issues (said by a female watcher)
• Character reading out loud — Bitch, it’s a library, shut up
• He’s like ‘She’s a witch! She can read’
• That’s clearly only a flesh wound – 3 people at the same time
• Hear me out, instead of going back and reading only one sentence at a time maybe she should read it all at once
• Every time I see the bad guy I think it’s a discount Jamie from Mythbusters
• Surely he cannot harm such, generous tracks of land
• “Hurry there’s not much sand in the hourglass left” — Yeah, because the trial for their FX software is about to expire
• Gotta say, I wouldn’t have picked giant lightning rod for how this ended

Things we learned:

• Lose your virginity early to avoid being hunted for your purity
• No means no unless it doesn’t? We aren’t sure at the end
• Male baldness is more common than you expect

Rule 34 Titles:

• Dong of Knight

Final Take:

Don’t piss off David Bowie and then stand in a suit of armor during a storm

Date watched: 5/26/21

Starring: Ricky Flowers Jr., Motown Maurice, Donte Essien

Plot: A rap group on the verge of signing their first record deal is the city’s only hope in a battle with a giant mutating snake monster. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Get this motherfuckin’ snake off this motherfuckin’ plane!
• Stay cool under pressure. Stay cool under pressure. — Screw that, rookie! It’s raining snakes.
• That’s compound interest, bitch.
• Real cops don’t spit. Swallow that shit down.
• Well, I’ll be. Little white girl with an AK. How cute. Finish your damn ice cream. — (Black guy takes the gun) — All right, drop the gun, son. Drop the gun, son. Easy, easy, easy, drop the gun, son.
• You want real power, huh? You’ll be a crooked cop like me. — What? — Crooked cop like me… No, no, no, regular cop. — A regular cop… — A super, upstanding cop cop. — Super up… – You know what? Never mind.
• Say, friend, do you have any narcotics? — Of course I do. It’s why I’m homeless in the first place. — Yeah. — Addiction is ruining my life.
• I would prefer to not get eaten by a giant snake.
• Whatever you do, you treat it like your first piece of pussy, and you never let it go.
• Holds up hand with multiple missing fingers: Oh, God. I lost my watch!
• Hey, cop prostitute, yo. Take this to DJ Spliff, he fancies you sexually, girl. — I’m gonna break him in two like a motherfucker. — Snap him in half. You go, girl!
• Keep that ho behind that door! — Ho door. Ho door. Ho door. Ho door. Ho door. Ho door.
• Rutherford B. Hayes, 19th President of the United States?
• Rookie, if we had to fill out paperwork every time we shot an unarmed black man, we would never get to have any fun around here. Right, guys?
• I can’t wait for the day cops start cleaning up after their own fucking murders. — Dead body pops up: Betrayed! — Nope. Walks out
• I’m gonna deal with little Miss Anne Funk over here. — Anne Funk? — Yeah, it’s like a Jewish… you know, like Anne Frank, right? Except like some urban shit, like a urban twist to it.
• Shoots gun in air Hey, Cam, go get them! I got the bacon! Runs off as cops chase after
• Will you quit playing with yourself and shank that snake!

Viewer Quotes:

• “All this braggadocio and fornication.” — More like braggadouchio
• “The cops, they have real guns, and real training.” — Multiple people: Ehhhhhh…….
• “You think I’m scared of you? I done sucked dicks bigger than you, and they went crying home to their mama, too.” — Have I been doing blowjobs wrong my entire life?
• This movie is really a PSA for the operational security of quantum molecular growth hormones.

Things we learned:

• I don’t think we learned anything from this movie…
• You shouldn’t learn anything from this movie…
• Solve your problems with rap battles

Rule 34 Titles:

• Snake into Cunttown (Suggested by a female)
• Straight outta the Closet

Final Take:

Nasally: Did do thaaaaat?

We realize that this post should really should be on our sister site, because we had to move our Bad Movie Night to Thursday this week, but we don’t actually know them and weren’t sure how to reach out to them to ask 🤣 🤷‍♂️

Date watched: 5/20/21

Starring: Steve Guttenberg, Nia Peeples, Patrick Renna

Plot: Volcanic eruptions in Los Angeles unleash a swarm of gigantic, lava-breathing tarantulas. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• I need you to pack everything that’s important to us. I want you to take the dog, I want you take your jewelry, and I want you to pack everything up, and you have to listen to me, and we have to leave here. — Colton, we don’t have a dog.
• No fare, no ride.
• I didn’t save anybody. We still got act two and act three to go.
• You feel safe? — Not even a little bit. No. — You got a plan? — Uh, run. — Run! Run! Run!
• I work here in the museum. — What are you still doing here? — I’m a scientist. For good or bad, these are the kind of moments that we live for.
• The volcanoes and the spiders are one. The Mayans had a term for it, lavalantula. And right here… this would be the queen’s chamber. If you kill the Mamalantula, you kill them all.
• Clever girl.
• Why do you have a military truck? — You know your mom. She likes everything big. — Yes, I do.
• If this map is accurate, and it is…
• Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I call upon you, the good people of the motion picture industry. It is you who works tirelessly 12, 14, 16 hours a day… giving pints and pints of your blood for our great nation. Yes, some might say it’s just entertainment, but we know better. Our movies are where the hopes and dreams of this great nation are born. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m chagrined to say that tonight might be our last production, but I beseech you, please think another way. Tonight is our opening night. Tonight is the night that we save our city, our homes, our families, that we believe in a tomorrow, a tomorrow where the Lakers have another threepeat. — What about the Clippers? — Clippers, too. A tomorrow where the Kings sip again from the Stanley Cup. — What about the Ducks? — The Ducks, too. And a tomorrow where the Dodgers, only the Dodgers, win the World Series. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I ask you to unify as a city, above the line, below the line. Tonight we draw the line. This is your city. This is my city. I was born in this city. I’m gonna die in this city, but not tonight! Viva Los Angelenos!

Viewer Quotes:

• RIP Hot Coco
• “Uh, you know how we always say that making a film is like war? — Yeah. — Well, let’s hope that this war is like making a film. — What does that mean? — Means I need you to plant those bombs. — Okay, but what does that mean? — Means I need you to plant those bombs. — Where are you going? What are you doing? Colton!” — Just fold in the cheese

Things we learned:

• Never live in LA
• In real life, LA has just as many fires but the spiders aren’t as big

Rule 34 Titles:

• Red Rocket
• Labialantula
• Lavalabia

Final Take:

Spiders. Why did it have to be spiders?

Date watched: 5/12/21

Starring: Gerrit Graham, Michael Lerner, Fred McCarren

Plot: It’s been 10 years since Lizzie Borden High School’s class of ’72 graduated, and the preppies, the hippies and the in-crowd has returned to reminisce over good times past. But classmate Walter Baylor has returned too with a vengeance. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Did you send a naked picture of yourself into a men’s magazine? — You saw it? — I ate it.
• Hey, Mrs. T., this food looks almost good enough to eat.
• He committed a heinous crime against his parents… with an upright vacuum cleaner.
• Do you know who that girl was? — Yeah, she was some trampy girl from Catholic school. — Do you know who that girl was? — I just told you. — That girl… was Walter Baylor’s twin sister!
• All right, but I’m not going alone. My father didn’t spend all that money to keep me out of Vietnam… just so I could die in my old high school!
• I bet he’s hung better than my gynecologist.
• It’s not gonna be fun for you. It’s gonna be rough, painful. — I like it rough and painful. I live in New York.
• Excuse me. I hope you realize you’re in the ladies’ room. (Said by a blind woman squatting down in an elevator)

Viewer Quotes:

• Best actor: Kino Lorber
• Does she look like a Disney Villain?
• I’m really distracted by the fact most of these people look like they are in their 40’s
• “Oh Shit!” — Blazing Saddles called, it wants it’s joke back
• Jessica Fletcher is on the case guys, we’re good
• He’s managing to be an even creepier Jim Carrey
• Man throws himself through a wall — Oh Yeahhhh

Things we learned:

• Don’t go to your school reunion

Rule 34 Titles:

• Ass Reunion

Final Take:

Probably the worst Lampoon film…

Date watched: 5/5/21

Starring: James Marsden, Katie Holmes, Nick Stahl

Plot: The new kid in Cradle Bay, Washington stumbles across something sinister about the town’s method of transforming its unruly teens into upstanding citizens. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Keggers can’t be choosers
• “Denial” ain’t just a river in Italy, bud.
• When you soar with the eagles, the pigeons below look pedestrian.
• It’s not what you think. It’s a new kind of cool. You feel better, freer. I’ve never felt so alive in my life. — It’s humanity’s sacred essence. — A new and finer age. — Go forward. Be the ball.
• Come on. — Not so fast. — What? — What’s the capital of North Dakota? — How the fuck should I know? — Okay, you’re cool. Get in.
• Hey, teacher! Leave those kids alone!

Viewer Quotes:

• We are supposed to believe they are his parents? That they created that fucking angel? — The mom was fucking around
• “What are you shitbirds doing down here?” – Favorite character, calling it
• She’s got predator vision!
• 90’s movie rainy front porch scene, check.
• Get that mug a father of the year award
• I see they went the school of “How to make psychiatric wards look menacing”
• What the name of this film? (4 times)

Things we learned:

• Anytime you want sex you need to be like “Hey, give up the plate”
• I had a brother once…
• Don’t move out of Chicago
• Who knew Chicago was the safer town?

Rule 34 Titles:

• Disturbing Bedroom Behavior
• Disturbing Behavior [NC17]

Final Take:

What was the name of the movie just watched?

Date watched: 4/28/21

Starring: Gene Wilder, Gilda Radner, Dom DeLuise

Plot: Two radio voice actors are getting married. Larry has fits of fear. A shrink needs 36 hours to scare him to death and cure him – a family reunion at a scary family castle. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• It’s not what you think. … Well, it’s partly what you think, but, er… Oh, it’s so complicated.
• Rings bell to get attention I know that one of you is a werewolf. I saw you in the garden this afternoon. […] One of you is preying upon the fears of an old woman. Whoever you are, may God strike you dead. … Now let’s have coffee and dessert in the music room.

Viewer Quotes:

• “I, Paul Abbot, promise that I can cure Larry within 36 hours” — I, Paul Abbot, am once again asking for your financial support
• Tricks are what whores do for money
• You heard it first here folks, sod is the key to getting away with murder

Things we learned:

• The Honeymoon is apparently before the wedding?
• Never trust a radio personality

Rule 34 Titles:

• Haunted Hineys 18

Final Take:

This movie makes me understand why this is the last movie Gene Wilder ever directed…

Date watched: 4/21/21

Starring: Jack Scalia, Jeremy Luke, Joseph Russo

Plot: A cast of characters, strikingly similar to the cast of Jersey Shore, try to survive an epidemic of sharks attacking Miami Beach. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• We can’t leave Vinny bobbing around like this. We got to give him a proper burial. — Seriously? They’re just going to cremate him and sprinkle his ashes in the sea. We saved ’em a bunch of steps.
• You really think you’re gonna attract sharks with protein bars? — Nothing’s going to resist 25 grams of power-packed peanut-butter crunch.
• You call this a venue? I mean, when I asked you to book me something, like, on a boardwalk, I meant Atlantic City, not Seaside Heights. This is embarrassing. Justin wouldn’t put up with this.
• Listen, I don’t do autographs before my performance, okay? — No, we don’t want your autograph. — Why not? – Joey Fatone, formally of NSYNC
• Everyone we spoke to was shaken by the events. — Like Moby Dick, but with a fin.
• He took aim with his harpoon and, bada-bing,- shot him through his left eye. — Why the left? — Because that’s the eye of the devil.

Viewer Quotes:

• Looks like Danny DeVito — More like Guido DeVito
• My name is The Complication, you killed my friend JP, prepare to die
• I don’t think any of have ever punched a drunk guido in the face — Well I have…

Things we learned:

• Don’t mess with the guidos
• A 4″ heel is worth it but sometimes you’ve just got to let it go
• A tan guido vs an albino shark = the guido winds
• Sometimes Italian guys are named Patrick
• If you get get pounded too loud you might attract unwanted attention

Rule 34 Titles:

• Jersey Shore Skank Attack

Final Take:

Guidos: hearts and chains of gold

Date watched: 4/14/21

Starring: Jason Yachanin, Kate Graham, Allyson Sereboff

Plot: Zombified chickens attempt to kill the fast-food workers that cook them in a restaurant built on an ancient burial ground. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Gosh, Arbie, you’re the best dry humper in school! Ah, thanks Wendy, that’s what the guys on the basketball team say.
• What do we want? — For the evil devil-worshiping maggot conglomerates to cease the destruction of our beloved country and replacing our purple mountain majesties with corporate cookie-cutter retail spots! — When do we want it? — Now! Or at least within the next 3 years, through ending the minority class action share-holder lawsuits priority in Section 16b of the Securities and Exchange Act of 1932; so our contingency plaintiff lawyers can get us multi-million dollar settlements!
• You-you said you’d never change but-but here you are, just bumpin’ tacos!
• You see, Arbie, the same shit happened in Vietnam! The White Man thought the Yellow Man was turnin’ red, and so he sent the Black Man in to clean up his mess, Arbie!
• That chicken! The chicken has declared jihad on us all! Hm! That reminds me, I need to get a tampon.
• Arbie! How dare you let that priest nibble on my cock! What are you the Catholic Church?
• Guys! Guys! This is not a terrorist thing. And this not a sodomy thing. This is an angry chicken Indian spirit thing! — What? — And If we don’t find out a way to stop them, we’re all going to have mops shoved up our butts!
• Oh, it’s just like my ole’ Grand pappy used to say: Hey Junior! Get over here with them matches! “This cross ain’t goin’ to burn itself!”
• You know, they say you can tell the size of a cock by staring it down from its beak, all the way to its tail feathers.
• My soccer leg!
• Jambalaya! Crawdaddy! Po’ boy! Gumbo God dammit! — He’s turned into a ‘Blackened Cajun’ chicken!
• We need to figure out a way to keep them out! — But how? This place is 50% glass! They’ll break through faster than the 5 minutes it took me to turn Wendy into a full-blown lesbian! — Damn it! We need action before they turn the glass into lesbians!
• Paco, let’s go! — No, I’m staying. America isn’t ready to accept a gay Mexican, chicken sandwich!
• Oh Humus, I hope you get those 72 Virginians, because they are for lovers!

Viewer Quotes:

• WHY.
• Shitting yourself skinny
• When fucking a chicken carcass goes awry
• Now they choking the chicken
• America STILL isn’t ready for a gay Mexican, chicken sandwich!

Things we learned:

• This is the pinnacle of bad movies
• This is the best of the worst
• The line between a porn and a not-porn is made of chicken

Rule 34 Titles:

• Poultrygeist. Night of the Chicken Dead (pretty sure it was porn)

Final Take:

Don’t watch this movie, it’s finger-licking bad