Bad Movie Wednesday

Date watched: 5/26/21

Starring: Ricky Flowers Jr., Motown Maurice, Donte Essien

Plot: A rap group on the verge of signing their first record deal is the city’s only hope in a battle with a giant mutating snake monster. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Get this motherfuckin’ snake off this motherfuckin’ plane!
• Stay cool under pressure. Stay cool under pressure. — Screw that, rookie! It’s raining snakes.
• That’s compound interest, bitch.
• Real cops don’t spit. Swallow that shit down.
• Well, I’ll be. Little white girl with an AK. How cute. Finish your damn ice cream. — (Black guy takes the gun) — All right, drop the gun, son. Drop the gun, son. Easy, easy, easy, drop the gun, son.
• You want real power, huh? You’ll be a crooked cop like me. — What? — Crooked cop like me… No, no, no, regular cop. — A regular cop… — A super, upstanding cop cop. — Super up… – You know what? Never mind.
• Say, friend, do you have any narcotics? — Of course I do. It’s why I’m homeless in the first place. — Yeah. — Addiction is ruining my life.
• I would prefer to not get eaten by a giant snake.
• Whatever you do, you treat it like your first piece of pussy, and you never let it go.
• Holds up hand with multiple missing fingers: Oh, God. I lost my watch!
• Hey, cop prostitute, yo. Take this to DJ Spliff, he fancies you sexually, girl. — I’m gonna break him in two like a motherfucker. — Snap him in half. You go, girl!
• Keep that ho behind that door! — Ho door. Ho door. Ho door. Ho door. Ho door. Ho door.
• Rutherford B. Hayes, 19th President of the United States?
• Rookie, if we had to fill out paperwork every time we shot an unarmed black man, we would never get to have any fun around here. Right, guys?
• I can’t wait for the day cops start cleaning up after their own fucking murders. — Dead body pops up: Betrayed! — Nope. Walks out
• I’m gonna deal with little Miss Anne Funk over here. — Anne Funk? — Yeah, it’s like a Jewish… you know, like Anne Frank, right? Except like some urban shit, like a urban twist to it.
• Shoots gun in air Hey, Cam, go get them! I got the bacon! Runs off as cops chase after
• Will you quit playing with yourself and shank that snake!

Viewer Quotes:

• “All this braggadocio and fornication.” — More like braggadouchio
• “The cops, they have real guns, and real training.” — Multiple people: Ehhhhhh…….
• “You think I’m scared of you? I done sucked dicks bigger than you, and they went crying home to their mama, too.” — Have I been doing blowjobs wrong my entire life?
• This movie is really a PSA for the operational security of quantum molecular growth hormones.

Things we learned:

• I don’t think we learned anything from this movie…
• You shouldn’t learn anything from this movie…
• Solve your problems with rap battles

Rule 34 Titles:

• Snake into Cunttown (Suggested by a female)
• Straight outta the Closet

Final Take:

Nasally: Did do thaaaaat?

We realize that this post should really should be on our sister site, because we had to move our Bad Movie Night to Thursday this week, but we don’t actually know them and weren’t sure how to reach out to them to ask 🤣 🤷‍♂️

Date watched: 5/20/21

Starring: Steve Guttenberg, Nia Peeples, Patrick Renna

Plot: Volcanic eruptions in Los Angeles unleash a swarm of gigantic, lava-breathing tarantulas. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• I need you to pack everything that’s important to us. I want you to take the dog, I want you take your jewelry, and I want you to pack everything up, and you have to listen to me, and we have to leave here. — Colton, we don’t have a dog.
• No fare, no ride.
• I didn’t save anybody. We still got act two and act three to go.
• You feel safe? — Not even a little bit. No. — You got a plan? — Uh, run. — Run! Run! Run!
• I work here in the museum. — What are you still doing here? — I’m a scientist. For good or bad, these are the kind of moments that we live for.
• The volcanoes and the spiders are one. The Mayans had a term for it, lavalantula. And right here… this would be the queen’s chamber. If you kill the Mamalantula, you kill them all.
• Clever girl.
• Why do you have a military truck? — You know your mom. She likes everything big. — Yes, I do.
• If this map is accurate, and it is…
• Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I call upon you, the good people of the motion picture industry. It is you who works tirelessly 12, 14, 16 hours a day… giving pints and pints of your blood for our great nation. Yes, some might say it’s just entertainment, but we know better. Our movies are where the hopes and dreams of this great nation are born. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m chagrined to say that tonight might be our last production, but I beseech you, please think another way. Tonight is our opening night. Tonight is the night that we save our city, our homes, our families, that we believe in a tomorrow, a tomorrow where the Lakers have another threepeat. — What about the Clippers? — Clippers, too. A tomorrow where the Kings sip again from the Stanley Cup. — What about the Ducks? — The Ducks, too. And a tomorrow where the Dodgers, only the Dodgers, win the World Series. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I ask you to unify as a city, above the line, below the line. Tonight we draw the line. This is your city. This is my city. I was born in this city. I’m gonna die in this city, but not tonight! Viva Los Angelenos!

Viewer Quotes:

• RIP Hot Coco
• “Uh, you know how we always say that making a film is like war? — Yeah. — Well, let’s hope that this war is like making a film. — What does that mean? — Means I need you to plant those bombs. — Okay, but what does that mean? — Means I need you to plant those bombs. — Where are you going? What are you doing? Colton!” — Just fold in the cheese

Things we learned:

• Never live in LA
• In real life, LA has just as many fires but the spiders aren’t as big

Rule 34 Titles:

• Red Rocket
• Labialantula
• Lavalabia

Final Take:

Spiders. Why did it have to be spiders?

Date watched: 5/12/21

Starring: Gerrit Graham, Michael Lerner, Fred McCarren

Plot: It’s been 10 years since Lizzie Borden High School’s class of ’72 graduated, and the preppies, the hippies and the in-crowd has returned to reminisce over good times past. But classmate Walter Baylor has returned too with a vengeance. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Did you send a naked picture of yourself into a men’s magazine? — You saw it? — I ate it.
• Hey, Mrs. T., this food looks almost good enough to eat.
• He committed a heinous crime against his parents… with an upright vacuum cleaner.
• Do you know who that girl was? — Yeah, she was some trampy girl from Catholic school. — Do you know who that girl was? — I just told you. — That girl… was Walter Baylor’s twin sister!
• All right, but I’m not going alone. My father didn’t spend all that money to keep me out of Vietnam… just so I could die in my old high school!
• I bet he’s hung better than my gynecologist.
• It’s not gonna be fun for you. It’s gonna be rough, painful. — I like it rough and painful. I live in New York.
• Excuse me. I hope you realize you’re in the ladies’ room. (Said by a blind woman squatting down in an elevator)

Viewer Quotes:

• Best actor: Kino Lorber
• Does she look like a Disney Villain?
• I’m really distracted by the fact most of these people look like they are in their 40’s
• “Oh Shit!” — Blazing Saddles called, it wants it’s joke back
• Jessica Fletcher is on the case guys, we’re good
• He’s managing to be an even creepier Jim Carrey
• Man throws himself through a wall — Oh Yeahhhh

Things we learned:

• Don’t go to your school reunion

Rule 34 Titles:

• Ass Reunion

Final Take:

Probably the worst Lampoon film…

Date watched: 5/5/21

Starring: James Marsden, Katie Holmes, Nick Stahl

Plot: The new kid in Cradle Bay, Washington stumbles across something sinister about the town’s method of transforming its unruly teens into upstanding citizens. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Keggers can’t be choosers
• “Denial” ain’t just a river in Italy, bud.
• When you soar with the eagles, the pigeons below look pedestrian.
• It’s not what you think. It’s a new kind of cool. You feel better, freer. I’ve never felt so alive in my life. — It’s humanity’s sacred essence. — A new and finer age. — Go forward. Be the ball.
• Come on. — Not so fast. — What? — What’s the capital of North Dakota? — How the fuck should I know? — Okay, you’re cool. Get in.
• Hey, teacher! Leave those kids alone!

Viewer Quotes:

• We are supposed to believe they are his parents? That they created that fucking angel? — The mom was fucking around
• “What are you shitbirds doing down here?” – Favorite character, calling it
• She’s got predator vision!
• 90’s movie rainy front porch scene, check.
• Get that mug a father of the year award
• I see they went the school of “How to make psychiatric wards look menacing”
• What the name of this film? (4 times)

Things we learned:

• Anytime you want sex you need to be like “Hey, give up the plate”
• I had a brother once…
• Don’t move out of Chicago
• Who knew Chicago was the safer town?

Rule 34 Titles:

• Disturbing Bedroom Behavior
• Disturbing Behavior [NC17]

Final Take:

What was the name of the movie just watched?