Bad Movie Wednesday

Date watched: 9/23/20

Starring: Phil Caracas, Murielle Varhelyi, Maria Moulton

Plot: Kung-Fu Action / Comedy / Horror / Musical about the second coming.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Where have all our lesbians gone?
• You don’t know us because we haven’t met before
• If I’m not back in 5 minutes call the pope
• Hey buddy, you are all up in the kool-aid and you don’t even know the flavor

Viewer Quotes:

• <Guy with mohawk puts on motorcycle helmet and it’s got a slot in the top so his mohawk can stick through> Ok so I knew it was going to happen but…. — But it’s still amazing to see
• Are they lesbian vampires? Or are they vampires who only eat lesbians? — You are what you eat…
• There are no atheists in foxholes because they are all in this jeep
• I’m getting a team rocket vibe from the atheists
• Who the fuck takes a laptop into a steam room — Someone who shows up at the IT desk and says “I don’t know why it’s not working”
• You know I heard Jesus drove a Honda… but he didn’t like to speak about it… “For I do not speak of my own Accord” — That would be funny if we didn’t all already know that joke
• He’s having a stroke! Someone save him!
• Huh… He almost laughed as long as that woman screamed
• It must be a Budweiser so he can bless the water
• You’ve got to be kidney-ing me…

Things we learned:

• Jesus is an ass-man
• If you are going to steal skin make it a lesbian’s?
• Nostalgia’s a hell of a drug
• You can fit 50 atheists in a car

Final Take:

Keep some mirrors around so you can tell who the vampires, Jesus is really bad at scat, and Canada has some latent lesbian problems they need to deal with.

Date watched: 9/16/20

Starring: Rob Stefaniuk, Jessica Paré, Paul Anthony

Plot: A comedy centered on a rock ‘n’ roll band that will do anything to become famous. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• I wanna dedicate this next song to all the lovely ladies in Rockin’ Roger’s rock ‘n’ roll past. And, ladies, if you’re burning and itching, you might wanna see a doctor – immediately.
• Montreal, land of Hugo’s birth. Many women will be very pleased to hear of my return. — Yeah, no matter how long you go away, you always come back. You’re like herpes. — Hugo’s not like herpes. — Hugo’s a lot like herpes. — No, he’s not. — Very similar.
• Let’s just face it, Joey. We’re both getting a little long in the tooth.
• Can we load the gear, please? — <Puts hand on Joey’s shoulder and says very calmly> Yes, Joey, /we/ can.
• This is why I broke up with her. — She dumped you. — <Third guy says> Yeah, for being an insensitive prick. Her words, not mine.
• Yeah, I know. Um… we hit a little snag. — You want money. — Why… why are you being like that? — You don’t want money? — Yeah, I want money, but there’s no reason to be cruel and weird about it. — I am not being cruel and weird. — Yeah, you are. You’re being cruel and weird, making me feel like total shit.
• Sorry, Tyler, I’m a little distracted about my girlfriend throwing a beer bottle at me. — I think it’s pretty safe to call her your ex-girlfriend now.
• We should all be afraid of darkness. — I’m afraid of spiders.
• Citizenship? — American. — What was the purpose of your trip to Canada? — Uh… yes… Hunting. — Any weapons in the vehicle, sir? — Oh, yeah, yeah, lots of weapons! — Welcome home.
• That’s quite a nosebleed (guy is covered in blood). You okay there, bud? — Εverything’s normal. — Good enough for me. Let’s go.
• This is Rockin’ Roger and you’re listening to KCOS. Touch yourself, touch your friends, but…don’t touch that dial.
• Oh, my God, you smell so good. — It’s about fucking time someone noticed. You know what? I taste really good, too. — Really? — Yeah. — You wanna meet Βaby Βeef? <She goes to her knees, we hear a scream, and we hard-cut to someone taking a bite of a sub sandwich>
• Where’d all that blood come from? — From the show. — You just left here clean and you come back covered in mystery blood. You wanna tell me what the fuck is going on?! — You’re stoned? Βye-bye. — What are we smoking?
• Nobody likes a judge! — Yeah, no one likes a vampire either.
• Dude, let me tell you what I’ve learned in my many, many travels: always use a condom, and never trust a goddamn vampire.
• And, dude, being famous ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. Can’t go to a movie, can’t go to a bar, cops arrest you, ask for your autograph. It’s bullshit.
• And you, you take Sam down with you? — Sam’s a big boy. — I don’t need people making my decisions. — Yeah, you do! You’re a drummer!
• How am I gonna look at myself in the mirror again? — You can’t. You’re a vampire. — <Third guy> Yeah, you just gotta suck it up.
• You just released a single. What is it? — It’s called Suck. — I’ve heard it. It does. Oh! Rockin’ Roger on the radio comin’ right to you live! — Did you just say our song sucked on the radio? — No! I said it on television! We’ve hidden the cameras. — What cameras? — Kids, you all have to lay off the drugs, okay?
• Yeah. I’m scared, all right?! You happy? — I am not happy. I am vampire. I’m only happy when something dies. — Is that supposed to make me feel better?
• Vampires are ultimately cool.
• Headline: Vampires eat Jones Brothers
• I will put us first, before everything else from now on. I promise. — Garbage? — I’ll take it out. — Toilet seat? — Down. — Sex? — From now on, you come first… in everything.

Viewer Quotes:

• Alice Cooper is actually an unscripted part — Is that for real? — No but tell me I’m lying… *1 minute late* Alice Cooper did provide all his own clothes (except for 1 outfit) because he knew they were on a limited budget
• “They totally suck” — Drink… — Yeah, I think that’s fair
• He got to Toronto pretty quickly and just walked into the club with a Maglite…
• I can’t read the signs — It doesn’t matter, it’s just that he is at a crossroads — The signs are: Fame and Obscurity and then on the other” Future and Past
• Oh, he is making a deal with the devil, never mind
• “Are you in a band? — Yeah. — Sweet! I used to play in a band! — Really? What kind of stuff did you — Takes me back. Rock on, dudes.” — The power of MUSIC! — The power of rock compels you!
• It took me a minute to realize that girl is “Megan Draper”, Don Draper’s second wife — I keep thinking of here as Liv Tyler lite — Budget friendly Liv Tyler — Blue light special Liv Tyler
• I’m a big fan of the rough/unexpected audio cuts **10 seconds later the audio picks right back up** Ok, that’s even better
• <Vampire stabs straw in guy’s neck and drinks it> — Damn it I thought we were past using straws — That’s why we use metal straws now
• (Re: Hugo)We’ve all seen What we do in the Shadows, we know how this ends
• With the pole dancing girls I said “I swear the one on the left looks like Paris Hilton” and I went to look it up and immediately wished I hadn’t googled “Is Paris Hilton in suck?”
• There are starving vampires in China, you finish your Iggy Pop!
• Ahh, BYOB…
• Do vampires have to be invited into another vampire’s houses?

Things we learned:

• Don’t go home with dandy pretty boy vampires and then not expect your whole band to end up as vampires with regret like 10 days later..
• Vampires are the ultimate cool.
• Sucks to suck
• Vampires appear to be rather common in the music industry

Final Take:

Maybe think more about turning yourself into a vampire… a lot of buyers remorse in this movie. Poor Hugo. When entering into a contract with a vampire request your immortality upfront.

Date watched: 9/9/20

Starring: Edward DeRuiter, Jenna Parker, Kaiwi Lyman

Plot: A group of scientists at a research facility based on Antarctica battle a breed of sharks that have invaded Antarctic waters.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Literally none…

Viewer Quotes:

• Oh, so she didn’t use the harpoon to shoot the shark but instead to almost shoot David and have him grab it… ok
• They are using the same footage whenever they shoot the base so drink whenever you see it
• Ahh so all scientists know all the different shark types — And the nicknames for them‽‽
• They are making SO, SO many assumptions
• Irish-y, Canadian, Amish…?? (About Aput’s accent)
• What is his leg stuffed with?
• *Camera zooms in on bolt cutters* — I’m sure those won’t come back later — Chekhov’s bolt cutters?
• “We have to get out of here and seal the room” — Don’t introduce more animals, how are seals going to fix this?
• What are the sharks doing? — They are having trouble rendering I think…
• Are they sinking to the bottom? — I’m sure this facility was designed to operate underwater…
• They are having a kiki, they’ve locked the doors and lowered the blinds
• When they heard the door open they all acted like “Oh no is it the shark, oh no, it’s just our guy”
• They sure love those bubble animations
• That’s the best shade I’ve seen thrown at a coworker “Besides, you need to stay here to monitor the situation. You’re the best at that.”
• I told you it was an “Up” situation, there are balloons

Things we learned:

• They saved money on the special effect by combining it with the catering services (the “meat” used for his leg getting bitten off)
• Movie scientists are idiots (but also know all about sharks?)
• You can be exposed to freezing water and be fine
• Don’t try to raise a laboratory with a helicopter when you have a crane on your boat
• Apparently sharks are the one creature on this planet that can mutate to survive everywhere

Final Take:

Why are they swimming so far away from the lab? We kind of wish the sharks had eaten them all, we were cheering for them in the end.

Date watched: 9/2/20

Starring: Emily Perkins, Katharine Isabelle, Kris Lemche

Plot: Two death-obsessed sisters, outcasts in their suburban neighborhood, must deal with the tragic consequences when one of them is bitten by a deadly werewolf.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Wrists are for girls… I’m slitting my throat.
• I get this ache and … I thought it was for sex, but it’s to tear everything into fucking pieces.

Viewer Quotes:

• Why doesn’t doesn’t she just cut herself with that attitude? It’s so edgy.
• ** Stopped the movie to make sure we weren’t going to have to see any more dead dogs/dogs being killed **
• Werewolf Baby — Damnit, I was about to say that but my mouth was full of whisky
• **Mom puts the fingers in the Tupperware in the fridge** — It’s finger food
• Lycanthr-tea, there it is
• Drag dealer — he’s not a drug dealer he is self funded botanist — Small batch herb vender — Single planter herbs

Things we learned:

• A thick, syrupy, voluminous discharge is not uncommon.
• Don’t let your sister’s puberty control your freshman year
• Safe sex can prevent Lycanthropy
• Your local drug dealer will help you with mystical infections

Final Take:

That Ginger is a total bitch.