Plot: When ex-firefighter Scott Nylander and a group of ecologists approach a silo filled with oil to hang a banner with an eco-message, they suddenly realize they came to the wrong place at the wrong time. There’s a bomb attached which is going to explode in a few seconds. As the group finds shelter, a mass explosion causes a huge flaming tornado, which starts to destroy everything in its way. Scott and his team are accused of being terrorists that caused the explosion and must now stop the fire twister before it destroys LA. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
I live to hang up banners
Don’t tell me how to do my job Throws blackberry smartphone on ground and shoots it
Are we killing people today, or what? — Yes, we are.
(Right after un-pausing the video) I was thinking of filling the water reserve of your pumper here with gasoline. — Holy Jesus.
Viewer Quotes:
I don’t know guys, all I see is discount Will Farrell
What we need to do is spray fire extinguishers into other tornadoes and have them fight — No, no, we just need to blow up the smart-fire-extinguisher-fluid silo down the street and that will create a competing tornado
This baby is the best actor in the movie
OMG they misspelled “speaks” (shown as “Speakes”)
Oh no! Mariska Hargitay, you can’t die!
Why doesn’t she carry the phone herself? Why was the guy the phone sherpa? Oh! They probably don’t put pockets on women’s utility belts
How does a firefighter have access to “Military grade C4”???
The kinks in the fire hose tube are hilarious — Hey! Don’t kink shame!
Things we learned:
Don’t make a German film in English?
Don’t kink shame!
Turns out you CAN fight fire with fire
Final Take:
If you are a fireman you can get away with practically anything (See: Age of Dinosaurs)
Plot: Holly returns to her hometown to make an Xmas special with a cameraman before promotion to TV anchorwoman. She’ll have to face Satan Claus and horrible childhood memories of him. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
I can be cordial. Like how is your hot cousin? — Oh, you mean my cousin Chris Pringle.
I lost 162 pounds this past winter. — Jesus. — Well I definitely prayed to him
Oh, and by the way, your earring is super lame. Where did you get it? Hot Topic?
I’m Sheriff Wreath. This is Deputy Wreath. — You guys don’t happen to be related to Joy, do you? — Why, ’cause we’re the only black people in town? — Because your last name’s are both Wreath.
Do you hear that? — My heart beating like a little drummer boy?
The only person that you love is your drunk, demented, depraved big city
How the frankincense am I supposed to relax right now? — Well, you used to be a competitive snowman builder, right? — Okay yeah, that’s not a thing. — Tell that to my coach. I medaled at the world snowman championship in Finland. Twice.
Okay, boys, boys boys boys. There’s no need to fight. Why don’t we head back to my sister’s place and have a little four person dance party in my childhood bedroom? — Wait, I don’t remember the floor in your room being that big, Hol.
Viewer Quotes:
That’s some pregnancy discrimination right there, god damn it…
So her handwriting is still the same as a child? — Thank you, I was going to say the same thing, get out of my head
“Fuck me while I still have this mustache on” – Candace, probably
“A monster took the Mayor!” — She didn’t go to her police brother?
There are a lot of people making snap decisions at the end of this…
Things we learned:
Those vaping teens shakes fist in air
Drink whenever vaping teens are mentioned, the “big city”, when she drinks alcohol, or when the music swells for a romantic interest
Plot: An evil yet adorable Gingerbread man comes to life with the soul of a convicted killer – this real life cookie monster wreaks havoc on the girl who sent the killer to the electric chair. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
Well, wherever you are up there, I hope they have strippers
Well it sure ain’t the Pillsbury fucking Doughboy.
Ever try a lady finger? (While cutting off a ladies finger)
Shit. Shit. — You already said that.
Viewer Quotes:
I bet he’s like “I could split your sourdough”… what? Did I get a rise out of you?
Why are they going out of business? They obviously have a lot of dough
Would you say thing are about to go a-rye?
Why isn’t she turning off the oven, he doesn’t know how her oven works — He wants to know how her oven works 😏
How many shots does this gun have? — 17, I WAS COUNTING
She wants his baguette 😏
He wants to pump-HER-nickel
Things we learned:
That’s not how you make gingerbread
Don’t put human remains in the batter
The health inspector needs to visit much more frequently
Plot: On a snowy Christmas Eve, former mild-mannered college student Casey Smallwood is released from prison after serving 10 years for underage drinking. Eager to get out of town, he hops on the express train to Washington, D.C., but after the holiday express takes off, it’s hijacked by an angry gang of domestic terrorists and highly-Intelligent, government trained raccoons. Not one to back down from a raccoon fight, Casey joins forces with a porter on the train to fight the terrorists. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
Yeah, you know that was something Ranger Rick Danger used to say. He was a boozehound park ranger
Hey, what’s with the cross? — Oh, I’m a Christian now! Isn’t that great? I went to conversion therapy. The only thing I’m gay for now is Jesus, and he’s the reason for the season, am I right?
Wait, the mayor? That dick who put me in jail for ten years for underage drinking? He put Al Jazeera in Guantanamo! We don’t even know if Al’s alive.
Looks like I’ve bitten off more than I can choo-choo.
I just got out of prison and I’d be happy to eat anything. It just can’t have nuts. — Yeah, sure! If I just got out of prison, I’d be sick of eating nuts, too!
As any good scientist knows, if no one sees a dead body, then no one knows if that body is dead for real.
With all the satellite’s operating data stored on this VHS tape, no one can hack into our system. Unless they’ve got two VCRs, which is pretty fucking rare.
I’m sick and tired of these motherfucking coons on this motherfucking train! — You mean raccoons, right? — Of course! What else would I mean?
Uh, pay phone? You know we could just try to get my smart phone. I mean, they took everything else, but mine’s in my bag in the passenger car. — I’m sorry, a what phone? — A smart phone? I mean, it’s one of the most important pieces of technology in the last ten years? Oh, right. You’ve been in jail the last ten years.
How’s your arm strength? — Pretty good. I did just get out of the pen. — Oh, yeah? You been, uh, jerking it? — I was gonna say doing a lot of pull ups, but yeah. I was jerking it quite a bit. — Well, man, let’s pull and jerk our way to victory, baby!
That’s it, warrior! Harness that prison jerkin power, baby.
Where are all the passengers? — They must be on the passenger car.
Presumptions are the father of all boo-boos.
Pippy! Go get Kent State on that hippie!
Coon-bye-yah, motherfucker!
Yes, God bless us, everyone.
“Raccoon city bitch, rac, raccoon city bitch”
Viewer Quotes:
Are we going to be drinking every time they use a line from another movie?
Are we going to have follow the “drink every time they reuse a shot?” rule.
She is a discount Maggie Gyllenhaal
I think that wig is actually going to turn out to be a raccoon
Plot: When he finds a shark that can travel on land residing in his home, an ex-cop enlists the help of a grizzled former real estate agent, and an eccentric “house shark” expert to kill the beast. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
Will you be late? Yes, I’ll be home by 10. Well, it has been a awhile. Maybe, 10:15?
He can’t live in the backyard. Winter is coming.
What, that there’s some sort of monster in there? The police searched the place, it’s empty. There’s no monster, there never was. Just a freak plumbing accident.
*slobbery, snotty crying* There is a monster. I saw it. And it’s still in there, I can feel it. It’s looking at me. Undressing me with it’s eyes. Violating my every orifice with it’s sick, twisted, perverted mind. It’s gotta penis, but tits, too. Like some sort of shemale. And it tricks you, and makes you think it’s a woman. Until you’re at home alone with it, all naked and horned up, and you think, ‘Hey! Why let my first real boner in months go to waste?’. Believe me. It’s still in there. Just waiting. For the chance to kill again.
He never said that! Well I’m sure he thought it!
We’re going to sell this house. Like balls you are!
Stop! I don’t want anyone catching us with your fingers up my butt.
I didn’t think they had any kids! They don’t. They were going to adopt me. I heard there was a shark attack in this house, and you did nothing. Now it’s back to the high-kill adoption shelter for me.
Lights are fixed, sir.
So you’ve seen Jaws, eh? Ja, zat movie really fucked my nut up
What’s that attached to his finger? It looks like an anus! A vanus?! I think so. Is it his? I don’t think so. (Frank sniffing) It smells like flower and honey Why would an anus be on his finger? Ze plot thickens!
“It’s like dealing with the mafia” Abe Lincoln-”Believe me, i know”
“Dropping death charges onPosidon” “Dropping the kids off at the pool”
“Goodnight, my sauerkraut prince”.
Zhat was no house shark.
Toilet grizzly
Sink piranha
Maybe even a couch gator, that’s wandered away from it’s herd
We’re not hunting hairbrush barracudas
Or plunger orcas
Who in the sam hill drew a penis on me?!
(Abraham mumbling gibberish)
It’s a female house shark costume. It looks like a regular shark costume to me. What? You don’t see ze apron?
There was blood, guts, balls! Vaginas. Human insides! Half digested clam chowdah, if you know what I mean…
We’re going to need a bigger house!
I am not letting a house shark have sex with me! Just let him put the tip in!
I wanted to give myself spider-man superpowers. You’re right, that is crazier.
Hey, who the hell are you?! I didn’t think anyone was living here? (in another language) Damn squatters!
Forget that commie, nazi bastard. He’s on his own!
Looks like someone’s back, for the old noon-time flipper fin!
Warning. Do not install fuse upside down. Tank will explode. Seriously, don’t be a dick. Improper installation of this very realistic fuse may indeed cause an explosion. See there’s wires sticking out of the box here and don’t know what they are hooked up to or where they go.
There’s a problem! What? I’m sober!
I haven’t been sober in 27 years!
We’re gonna need a bigger bucket!
Turn around Frank! Wait, why? I can’t drop an organic depth charge while you’re watching! Can I touch your face? No! Please! It helps me let my people go! No! My hands are clean! I doubt that!
Smile you son of a biscuit!
Viewer Quotes:
One of these people is supposed to be the father of the other? They’re both like 12.
Yeah, he’s categorized as “actor and sound department”
Must not be that bad. He has toilet paper.
It’s an abandoned goldfish that got into some testosterone.
Lemme stick this in my asshole real quick…
Saddest caption ever. He goes in for the kiss, then, “(heels clicking on the floor)”.
A. B. C. Always be chompin’.
“Darth Squanto”
It’s a man in lederhosen. Certainly. Which president is he?
Drinking game for this movie: Drink every time a new president’s name is revealed
Zachary Taylor’s accent is a new Rule for King’s Cup
Sounded like a meow?
The shark was jumping all nimbly-bimbly from treebranch to treebranch.
Things we learned:
If he’d burned the house down in the first place, Abe Lincoln would still be alive
Plot: A chemical accident turns ordinary donuts into blood thirsty killers. Now it’s up to Johnny, Michelle and Howard to save their sleepy town from…Killer Donuts. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
Besides, I’m crazy about you babe. You’re the clam in my chowder. — Oh, you’re so romantic.
Check his vital signs. See if he has a pulse. Maybe he needs CPR. — Dude, you check for vitals. — Fine. (kicks body) No. He’s dead.
There’s ten murderers in there? — We need to call for backup. — There’s no time for that! There’s ten murderers in there!
Viewer Quotes:
I bet the actress that plays his mom is younger than he is (It looks like she is, he was born in the 1990 and she was born in “the mid-90’s“)
Mom can we get Jack Black? No we have Jack Black at home.
She turned it on but she couldn’t seem to turn him on, ahhh life’s conundrums
I don’t know about the CGI donuts, they all have glazed expressions…
“He comes in my house, even if I am not there.” — She has a soft spot for him, and he has a hard spot for her — He cream-fills her donut
I wanted to make a stick shift joke but I just couldn’t come up with one — you couldn’t get your mind in gear?
Ugh… He’s using his donut hole
I want the job where you get to throw donuts at a person at a car
It’s premature to call shotgun until you are in sight of the car
Calling it, at the end a donut is going to fly up at the screen — Actually they are going to go downstairs and his best friend will be sitting at the table
Things we learned:
When you have something trying to attack your face, don’t hold it in front of you face
“We love eating them, now it’s their turn” (movie tagline)
When Do-Nut, Go-nuts, For yo’-Nut
Final Take:
You’re going to get dia-bite-es and cheat day is not worth day.
Plot: A medical student sets out to recreate his decapitated fiancée by building her a new body made of Manhattan street prostitutes. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
Honey-pie, can’t you picture yourself in this body? Kneeling on Ma’s couch in the basement.
Oh no, not the devil’s music.
Please, there are programs you can check into.
Stop that. That’s not natural. <2 women kissing> Wait a minute. For cryin’ out loud. You’re like cats with catnip. Just stop that. Your body wasn’t meant to do that!
Song lyrics from “The devils music”: Safe sex is for wimps, Anyone can drive sober…, Always carry a gun, Russian-rouletters never grow old, Never say no, Play this song backwards
Fucking exploded. One minute, they are my bitches. The next they are pieces all over!
Ohh Pavelarna Drake! Mother of Harlots. And abomned nations of the earth. Are we sure unto thee, the judgment of the Grey whore, the woman arrayed in purple and Scarlett. Things of the earth has committed fornications. And lived illiciously with her. They shall whale and lament when they see the smoke of her burning. — So, you’ve seen her? — She’s in the Bar!
Who the fuck are you? How come you know about me and Jersey Boy? This aint your tattoo. This aint your arm! Where’d you get this arm? This is one of my bitches arm!
But I feel so strange. As if there were so many different women inside of me.
Viewer Quotes:
How are the fish not eating all that brain food?
“My reasoning is all twisted and distorted, you know? I seem to be disassociating myself from reality. More and more. Each day. I’m anti-social. I’m becoming dangerously amoral. I’ve lost the ability to distinguish between right from wrong. Good from bad. I’m scared Ma. I mean..I feel like sometimes I’m.. I’m plunging headfirst into some kind of black void of sheer utter madness, or something.” — Oh, so quarantine
Is that your spark plug or are you just happy to see me?
Would you say he was giving himself… head? <Referring to the trepanning scene>
<Hookers suddenly explode> — *Chef’s kiss*
<Main character hoists leg with fishnet stocking over shoulder>He’s got that one for the leg-lamp that he is going to create
We fucked it up Morty, we cronenberged the entire planet
Things we learned:
Super crack kills
If you are going to cut off someone’s head don’t go just for the neck, go for a touch of clavicle
It didn’t age well
This came out BEFORE Jeffrey Dahmer was caught, this movie took 12 years to make, the first Jeffrey Dahmer killing we know about was in June 1978… Make of that what you will.
Written another way this movie overlapped with Jeffrey Dahmer’s killings, the main character is named Jeffery, he looks like Dahmer, he wears similar glasses…
Plot: Avalanche Sharks tells the story of a bikini contest that turns into a horrifying affair when it is hit by a shark avalanche. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
Get your military ass in here, I’ve been taking care of myself for 2 years, it’s your turn to do all the work.
It’s all clearly spelled out in the travel itinerary
It’s sexual tree time
Love is the answer, I know that I’m not afraid anymore, I love you guys, and I love Barb, I love you, I love Barb, I love my life, I love Barb, I love my parents, I love my job, and I’m not going to smoke dope anymore, because it’s love, love is the answer, it’s all about <leg get’s bitten> LOVE!
Are you crazy? — No, I am not. I’m a marine. Now let me think.
I want to live in a warm place without snow. In Florida, no, not Florida… Not by the sea. I hear they have sand sharks.
I eat pieces of fish like you for breakfast!
Viewer Quotes:
Checking DidTheDogDie and we are not looking forward to the “Small furry stillness” — Ok someone read the comments on the wrong movie, nvm — <later during lobster cooking scene> “Small shelly stillness”
Ross, no! — With a name like Ross is it really a loss? — Um I think that was the goggles brand — Nvm, his name WAS Ross
We aren’t rooting for anything in this film right? — No, no, no, except maybe that crazy guy
Did KIND bar pay for that or did they fail to pay to not be in it?
We weren’t sure if if they said “sexual treat time” or “sexual tree time”, we voted and decided on tree. #WetAshPussy “I want to wal-nut all over you”, “I pine for you”, “I want to do you in the knot-hole”, “That’s a nice piece of ash”
Sarah (name replaced), you would tell me if you were searching for a shark right?
We actually have a traveling baseball team named the Bluegrass Sharks — I’ve been looking for them for 25 years!
You were just talking about loving her and now you are comparing her to a sloppy joe? <five seconds later> “I should have told her I love her!”
He wrote his name on everything — Later we are going a scrap of his boxers and it will have ROSS written in block letters
Quote yourself! — Is that the new “Treat yo self”? — Quote yo self
SHOOOOTT HERRRRR
He is here for exclusively expositional purposes, he’s there to be bad with women and provide expositional services
Is this the “soft furry stillness”?
Things we learned:
Don’t go skiing on spring break with a bunch of idiots
Always take a Japanese foreigner with you to pull you out of a mystic rut on a mountain
Police apparently keep a child’s drawing of their parent’s murder for 25 years.
Final Take:
Security of weapons in the sheriff’s chateau was rather loosey-goosey and why wasn’t this called “Snow Sharks”?
Plot: Graboids are illegally taken to a new island resort by a rich playboy as a dangerous form of trophy hunting, and Burt Gummer steps up to save the day. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
Okay, I’m gonna start leading by example and run. I suggest you do the same!
Travis is in a Mexican jail. Don’t ask. Long story.
Before you begin your Graboid-slaying quest, do yourself a favor and get something bigger than that 308. That’s like spitting at Godzilla.
Well, why didn’t he come after you? You’re obviously the alpha. — She’s culling the weakest from the herd first. — Oh, crap. That means I’m next.
The underbelly is what you want. Legs, feet, groin, all the soft stuff. — Go for the groin. Got it. Let’s go medieval on these ugly slime bags. — I thought we were going Rambo. — Oh, uh… You go Rambo. I’ve got the chainsaw. I’m going Evil Dead.
Who needs guns when you got Pennsylvania steel?
Destiny’s a bitch.
We draw her to the edge of the cliff and over. — And then we lunge out of the way at the last second? — Something like that.
“Vaya con diablo, mija.” ~~ “Go with the devil my daughter”
Viewer Quotes:
Parkour!
Clever Girl (x2, at the same time)
“You see this whiskey? It’s a 50-year-old Balvenie. It costs 50 grand a bottle. […] — To me, it’s just whiskey.” — Now I ain’t never hit a lady….
I mean if you’re going to shit yourself at least you are already in a bathroom
Muzzle discipline is non-existent on Shrieker Island
Why did they bring ballistas when they have all the guns in the world? I mean why? And they know they’re underground?
Get that bitch some tea and dynamite, bitches love tea and dynamite
Also I’m never choosing the chainsaw over a flamethrower, one of them is ranged… — We were just saying the same thing
Things we learned:
This was a surprisingly good movie.
Stop copying the jurassic park cookie-cutter “we are going to bring back dinosaurs but make them more dangerous”
Jurassic park must have stolen some things from Tremors (’93 vs ’90)
The original ones had more “real” graphics while later ones went with more CGI
Final Take:
Burt Gummer isn’t dead until I see the body — I need the long-form death certificate…
Plot: A barrel of radioactive waste is lost out in the woods. Some demented rednecks find it and use it as part of their still. Everybody who drinks the liquor they produced turns into zombies. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
Shit on a toadstool.
Well, OK, but if you ever mess around our still again, Ferd Mertz, you’re going to be picking buckshot from where the sun don’t shine. — You mean Antarctica?
But it… it’s like my daddy used to say to me before he got run over by that tractor. Sometimes life sucks.
Hey, that’s bigger than Lisa’s dildo. — LISA: Yeah and five times the size of your dick.
I like knockers. — Yeah, I like knockers, too.
Did you treat this weed? — Only with respect, baby.
It’s dries them fast and keeps them dry.
Viewer Quotes:
Drink every time they say “Fort Dicker”
Looks like it had about the same budget at Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter — Are we filming at a community college? — It does feel like a film project
I know we look for titties but I don’t want to see his titties (from a Female viewer)
They did the monster mash
Ellie May had the most characterization, she didn’t have much but she had “anything”
Things we learned:
That was horrible, even by bad movie standards
Don’t drink the green moonshine
Birth control is important during a zombie apocalypse
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