Bad Movie Wednesday

Date watched: 3/10/21

Starring: Rebecca Romijn, Arden Myrin, Hayley Griffith

Plot: A pizza delivery girl at the end of her financial rope has to fight for her life – and her tips – when her last order of the night turns out to be high society Satanists in need of a virgin sacrifice. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Five years ago, I took an order to Mill Basin. The fuckers stiffed me for the tip and slammed the door in my face. So I went through the window, and everybody’s boning… like, dudes, chicks, dogs and cats, a frog and shit. So I’m in there getting it, like, “Ribbit!” Like everybody’s all, “Unh! Unh!” And I passed the hat. Made $32. You go to Mill Basin a delivery boy, but you come back a delivery man.
• That’s a Kmart bra, so I’m assuming you’re not one of them.
• For fuck’s sake, they were about to bang me to death with a giant killdo, okay?
• Don’t be a fascist, Gypsy. We didn’t sell our souls so we could clomp around outdoors like a bunch of goddamn hippies. — Fascists get things done.
• Well, I have an eight ball of cocaine and feel empty inside. Why don’t you come over and fill me up?
• No, I know what you’re thinking, but even if I stuck a fucking candle up your cooch, it’s strictly dickly when it comes to black magic.
• Damn it, Kyle.

Viewer Quotes:

• (Guys slips all over the place trying to run away) – That’s what you get for leaving your socks on during sex
• “We run the world.” — (at the same time) “Girls!” and “Who run the world?”
• “Are you ready to make an investment in your future?” — What hedge fund is this?
• “Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.” — I feel like some hedge fund has that in latin on their seal
• I swear to god… if she pops out 2 fuzzy bunnies…. OMG!

Things we learned:

• Don’t be a pizza delivery man… girl… person
• Premarital sex may save you from a satanic cult
• Satanism is an MLM
• Homeschoolers all belong to some kind of cult

Rule 34 Titles:

• Two Fuzzy Bunnies
• Killdo
• Satanism 101: Strictly Dickly

Final Take:

The satanic panic is/was real

Date watched: 3/17/21

Starring: Killian Coyle, Stuart Graham, Michael Hough

Plot: When an island off the coast of Ireland is invaded by bloodsucking aliens, the heroes discover that getting drunk is the only way to survive. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• It’s dead, right? — Um, I’m not sure. — You are not what? — The basic tests I’ve done so far have shown up nothing usual or normal. It is beyond mystifying. I mean, really, I can’t be sure without opening it up. — /smacks the alien body with a plank of wood/ ‘Tis dead.
• All this thing needs to survive… is blood and water. — Could you put it on the eBay? Do you think?
• What killed him, Jim? — The fact that he’s just a head.
• You know what’s to blame for all this? Global warming. You got your icebergs melting, and your thingamajigs flooding. The whole world is drowning, and we have don’t have the gills for it.
• It’s trying to fuck me face!
• /After stabbing the creature multiple times/ — There goes THE scientific discovery of our time. Imagine all that we could’ve learned. Oh… Still moving? — /Starts stabbing the creature multiple times again/
• I would’ve helped, but I have a bad back.
• All right, weapons. What have we got? — Crap. — I have a nail gun /uses it on a board/ and a board with a nail in it.
• Did you split because, um… because of your alcoholic-isis?
• /Said in a monotone-drunk voice/ No, don’t be a hero.
• Smith, listen to me! Listen to me! It’s bigger than you think. Get back inside now, please. I’m begging ya! — I need a photograph with it for National Geographic… and Facebook.

Viewer Quotes:

• /Man gets stabbed and pulled overboard/ — “Skipper! Dad!” — You are going to yell “Skipper” before you yell “Dad”? That’s not a healthy relationship.
• In honor of St Patrick’s day, drink every time they say “Paddy”
• That seems suspiciously like Chekhov’s Hooch…

Things we learned:

• If you are always drunk you are probably fine
• Sometimes getting drunk IS the solution

Rule 34 Titles:

• Gropers

Final Take:

Grab a seat and watch this movie

Date watched: 3/3/21

Starring: Alec Owen, Ben Gigli, Olivia Taylor Dudley

Plot: In the wake of two back-to-back mass murders on Chico’s frat row, loner Brent Chirino must infiltrate the ranks of a popular fraternity to investigate his twin brother’s murder at the hands of the serial killer known as “Motherface.” (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• The junior-year streaking contest was under way. I was supposed to officiate, but I couldn’t go because I got pink eye. That fart on my face saved my life.
• But in the end, thanks to our good looks and bond of brotherhood, the Delta Bis triumphed once more.
• It’s time you take your life… …back.
• My whole family was once murdered by wolves.
• I’m ready to party until my pants fall off.
• This is Todd. We call him T-O-Double-D for short.
• No, Todd, we’re Americans! We can do whatever we want with no consequences! No consequences in America!
• Well, they don’t call me Ol’ Iron Arms Headcheese for nothing. Just 20 more miles, and I’ll have an ice-cold brew waiting for me. Ha! Oh, monkey butts. Is it so pooping hard to load a legacy into a… a whore paddle boat?! That’s it. I’m gonna say it. F-f-f-fuck this creek! Those dick farts never gave two shitting bitches about Ol’ Iron Arms. They’ll see. I’ll show those vagina faces what’s what. Those Delta Bi titty jizzers will regret the day they were…
• Not gonna lie, Candace… That sounds real boring. I would not want to get banged in a bookmobile.
• Virgin strength!
• Quit remembering your dead brother and jump in the water.
• Please let me in! I just got punched in the face, and my boyfriend’s dead! This weekend is not going at all how I planned it.
• Pause the tape. Enhance. I said enhance, damn you! Now squint.
• I was honestly glad we didn’t wear seat belts! You know, fuck safety!
• Oh, you don’t care. You don’t even know our names. — Yea… yeah, I do. — Name us. — Todd… no. Turtleneck. Turtleneck bro… Flannel bro. — Lucky guess. Only ’cause we’re named after our shirts.
• Admit it, Motherface. You are our nation’s 40th president. — Damn it, Brent. How did you know?
• I’ll always be with you, Brent… inside your butt giving you powers.

Viewer Quotes:

• Drink every time you see Reagan or he is mentioned
• That’s a cat’s mantra: “I don’t know if you’ve ever… bopped anybody on the nose before, but, uh… it sure brings about a lot of closure.”
• You don’t put your hand in a hole!
• New drinking rule, anytime someone rips their shirt off.

Things we learned:

• You can lose your virginity to a bag of oranges?
• Ripping your shirt off, absolutely, does not solve anything
• Make sure the frat you join has real greek letters
• The only way to be successful in the paddleboat business is to make a deal with the devil to sacrifice your family. You can have one or the other, you can’t have both.

Final Take:

President Reagan was behind the whole thing.

Date watched: 2/24/20

Starring: Zach Galligan, Phoebe Cates, John Glover

Plot: The Gremlins are back, and this time, they’ve taken control of a New York City media mogul’s high-tech skyscraper.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• The Clamp Chinatown Centre, where business gets Oriented.
• Please be careful in stepping in and out and have a powerful day.
• People who watch TV at 3:30 a.m. Don’t fear the Wolfman. What scares them is getting sober and finding work.
• Sir? This is a Canadian dessert, chocolate moose. Can I cut you an antler? Literally a chocolate moose head
• Centre is experiencing illumination system difficulties. Please try not to notice.
• Elevator, stop. Sound alarm. …. [GREMLINS MIMICKING ALARM]
• The building is on fire. Leave the building. Enact the age-old drama of self-preservation.
• Can the Gremsters stand up to the Hulkster?
• Sir, what happened? — They fought back, that’s what happened…. Things… Stuff….
• None of us has been in New York before. We have to learn how to get tickets for shows. There’s street crime, but we can watch that for free.
• Could I get some help here? I’m trapped in adhesive polymer material…and I’m on deadline!
• What happened to him? — I don’t know. I guess they pushed him too far.

Viewer Quotes:

• Mr Clamps should give him the clamps
• That looks like Ellen DeGeneres when the face lit up
• “Splice o’ Life” is the name of the research department
• More cloning specialists in real life should be twins
• Every time I see this (particular) mogwai I think “Cocaine is a hell of a drug”
• Hey look, it’s /r/WallStreetBets
• Key & Peele – “Grimlins 2” Brainstorm

Things we learned:

• Expose them to bright lights, don’t get them wet, don’t feed them after midnight
• Don’t join corporate America
• Phoebe Cates had a terrible childhood
• If you want to find something weird, you have to go downtown
• I still will never buy a Ferbie because of these movies

Final Take:

Gremlins 2 is not a bad movie

Date watched: 2/17/20

Starring: Lauren Hutton, Jim Carrey, Karen Kopins

Plot: A vampire Countess needs to drink the blood of a virgin in order to keep her eternal beauty. It seems that all is hopeless, until she bumps into Mark Kendall.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Come on. I wouldn’t say nothing. Not if she got down on her knees and… pauses get’s hit by friends
• Are you a prostitute? — I’m whatever you want me to be. — Good, because I only have $5.
• Okay, Sebastian. Out of the closet. — Effeminate man exits the closet I came out of the closet centuries ago.
• We’ll be seeing each other again soon? — Yeah. I have a bit of a problem. — A problem? — Yeah. See, I’m sort of committed… to this really nice girl. — I don’t mind. I’ve often been the other woman. — That’s real unselfish of you. Tell you what, I’ll be in touch.
• Hands them ice cream Start your day off with a smile. — How sweet of you.
• On his friend’s T-shirt: “Freelance Gynecologist”
• I can’t believe you’ll throw away our relationship on a one-night stand… with a chauffeur and a butler and a slut who eats buttons.
• Father, forgive me, ’cause I think I might have sinned.
• I’m starting to freak out. You’re the only one I can turn to. What can I do? — Get yourself a shovel. You’re in deep shit.
• Who cares what those assholes think? What were they doing in the showers in the first place? — They were washing. We were enacting a prison rape scene.
• How would you like your crotch set on fire? — Ooo, Rough trade.
• Mark doesn’t want you, because you’re mean and evil. He wants me, because I’m nice and sweet and pure. So fuck off!
• Man smashes through door — Wait a minute! I have to replace every door you people smash. Can’t you at least try the knob first? — opens unlocked door
• I need a virgin! — Countess, don’t worry. There are other virgins out there. Somewhere, in places like Kansas… Nebraska.

Viewer Quotes:

• As someone that uses their phone in bed in the morning, I can get behind the TV in the coffin
• What an asshole pressuring his girlfriend…. Not going to lie, I’d do it in an ice cream trunk.
• “Do you have creamsicle?” — Haha, “creamsicle” — He’s going to give her his creamsicle 😏
• How about an angry hand job?
• Drink every time the title is said -> Once Bitten song plays: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0C3SV2ePGg
• To the girlfriend: Shantay, you stay — That was absolutely a lip-sync your life
• I sent Jim Carey a letter and he sent back a signed photo. The sad thing is I think I misplaced it. — I get that, I did the same with 100BTC — Yeah, it’s no signed photo of Jim Carry but I guess it’s the same 🤣
• She should have just hopped on while he was still strapped in
• They missed an opportunity to hide in the coffins

Things we learned:

• If you have sex, vampires won’t come for you
• Get stronger thread for your buttons
• If you get the opportunity, have sex in an ice cream truck
• Friends let friends look at their dicks, if you ask nicely
• To quote my mother: “sex is not a bad thing”

Final Take:

That was a bad title for the movie, it’s not once bitten, it’s thrice bitten. #DontJudgeAMovieByItsTitle

Date watched: 2/10/20

Starring: Kristen Riter, Matthew Goldsby, Jerry Belson

Plot: The seemingly tranquil waterways of Venice are terrorized by the perfect killing machine. In search of his father who has mysteriously disappeared diving in the city, David stumbles across the cryptic trail leading to the long-lost fortune of the Medici. As the unwitting pawn in a Mafia plot to recover the treasure, David’s girlfriend is kidnapped at gunpoint, plunging him into a desperate race against time. If he has any hope of saving her he must enter the deadly waters. Can David out-gun the Mafia assassins and survive the voracious sharks laying in wait beneath the surface, or will he succumb to the same fate as his father?  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• None…

Viewer Quotes:

• Quickly, think of an Italian name… Mario
• Italian hand emoji
• This seems like a budget Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey movie — K-mart blue light special
• It’s a well known that Marco Polo’s treasure is in Bulgaria (Original name of the movie was supposed to be Shark in Bulgaria) — No, no, Marco Polo’s treasure was the friends we made along the way
• So which one of these actors has the biggest tits? Because I think he’s winning
• (Multiple times throughout the movie): This is a different movie again (Oceans 11, Stand and Deliver, Indiana Jones, almost-“Deep Blue sea”, Mission Impossible, and ended with a ton of gunshots with very few people dying and the inflated boat surviving).
• Long conversation about a random topic tangentially related to the movie complete with drawings/discussion. I refuse to encourage this behavior so I won’t mention the topic.
• I think he may have violated the terms of his visa
• The dude with the hair got some sharks and put them in the water to keep people from diving, but then he needed something in Venice and a lot of people died diving for it, and then he died by his own sharks
• This reminds me of a bible verse: He who lives by the shark also dies by the shark

Things we learned:

• This movie was so bad they couldn’t even afford the SNL actors
• You can “go” anywhere with enough B-roll

Final Take:

Don’t go to Italy with a Baldwin

Date watched: 2/3/20

Starring: Kristen Riter, Matthew Goldsby, Jerry Belson

Plot: A serial killer with his signature heavy breathing proceeds to systematically kill the students and teachers of Lamab high school.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Listen, I forgot to give you the answers to that history question on the civil war. Now, just remember, the north won. — Oh, heavy.
• White text on the screen flashing “Unlocked” with an arrow pointed at the door
• Julie, you’re not responding to my maleness. She’s dead
• Where is that girl? — I hope she wasn’t murdered in our bed.
• Stop. How can you think of sex now? — I can never stop thinking about it. Funerals get me hot.
• Hey, man, that’s my parking space. Can’t you see I ‘m blind? — Hey, I’m more handicapped than you. I can’t even make love to a woman! — I can never find one! Now move it.
• Hey, that’s our parking spot. — Great physical beauty can be a handicap, too.
• Talking? During horse head bookends? Who was that? Sure, the girl. What have we here, Miss… “Shouldn’t be in the class anyway”?
• I have these saved up for the very first sign of wrinkles. — What is it, vitamin E? — Cyanide capsules. Death before disfigurement.
• Why do they always run away from me?
• Hasn’t there been enough senseless killing? Let’s have a murder that makes sense.
• Couldn’t you pick a better place? — I can’t help it. Hollow bulls get me hot.
• Ladies and gentlemen, in order to achieve an “R” rating today, a motion picture must contain full frontal nudity, graphic violence, or an explicit reference to the sex act. Since this film has none of those and since research has proven that “R”-rated films are by far the most popular with the movie-going public, the producers of this motion picture have asked me to take this opportunity to say fuck you.
• Instead of sending Toby directly to jail– — What? And let her pass go?
• The tissue gag – enough said
• Are you up for it? — I–I think so, Dr. Sigmund. — Please, don’t be so formal. Call me daddy.
• Today, we will discuss Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Who was Hamlet? — His dog. — His dog? — Wasn’t he a Great Dane?
• I still think the boys are being killed and then stuffed in the trash bags. — Not necessarily. It’s a well-known fact that if you put a male inside a 3-ply hefty bag, tightly tied at the top, they’ll suffocate in a matter of minutes. You can believe me. That’s how they were murdered.
• Come on, baby. Come on. — No. Al, let’s stop. It’s cold. All this garbage is falling. — The garbage gets me hot.
• Orders get me hot.
• Funerals get me hot.
• Hollow bulls get me hot.
• The garbage gets me hot.
• These horse heads make me hot.
• Boring gets me hot.
• No students leave the school grounds without filling out the proper forms. — But they’re dead. — If we make an exception for the dead, we have to make an exception for everyone!
• There’s an old Welsh saying “Dead men tell no tales, but they fart”
• What is all this? — It’s from the junior class play. They’re doing a nonmusical version of Grease. They couldn’t get the rights to the music.
• Mr. Peters! You’re naked! — Yes, Toby. All these years I’ve been secretly naked underneath my clothes.
• Hold still while I kill you. I’m an old woman with arthritis.

Viewer Quotes:

• Let me just take a shower in this other person’s house
• He hyperventilated and passed out — That’s one option… that’s the charitable option…
• Does this man not have a refractory period? — There is no refractory period for murder
• Drink whenever his shoe gets stuck in gum
• Has eggplant always been an euphemism for a dick?
• Drink, name of the movie
• So 1 fly is equal to 1/2 a human life?
• Is that a “Those that can. Do. Those that can’t. Teach” sign on the wall? Yes, yes it is
• “In 20 years, we only won one trophy. Ahh, the typing team really came through that year. — Typing team? — We retired the typewriter,” — (To person typing this blog): If you manage to get all the quotes from this movie you deserve to be head of the typing team
• It’s a very Airplane-eque type of movie
• Post-movie: I hate it when a podcast talking about a movie makes me watch it — Does podcast’s talking about it get you hot?

Things we learned:

• Sex kills
• Sex is bad?
• Sex is dirty and disgusting!
• Sex is yuck! — “Wait? Your father’s name is yuck”
• This deserves to be in the Bad Movie Night Hall of Fame

Final Take:

Watching that movie gets me hot

Date watched: 1/27/20

Starring: Burt Reynolds, Roger Moore, Farrah Fawcett

Plot: A wide variety of eccentric competitors participate in a wild and illegal cross-country road race. However, the eccentric entrants will do anything to win the road race, including low-down, dirty tricks.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Let me tell you something, Greek. We got a secret weapon. God is our copilot. — You’ll need him.
• Runs car into hotel Hey, you the one running this fleabag? — Huh-uh! — Where the hookers? — What? — Hookers, man. Where the hookers?
• Sprays unconscious man with soda water There. Don’t bother about the bill. Just give him a couple of enemas and call me in the morning.
• Do you mind if I have a cigarette? — Go ahead. They’re your lungs.
• What is this, anyway? — It’s a stakeout. — Oh. Bon appetit. — English humor.
• That’s the first time we took an order by phone.

Viewer Quotes:

• Have they not heard of spike strips? Just curious…
• She’s already got her “high-beams” on…
• OMG, I figured where I know them from, they (Burt Reynolds & Dom DeLuise) are Charlie and Itchy from All Dogs Go to Heaven
• Ok, NOW we are going to get a gang rape

Things we learned:

• Don’t ever tell me where you got the doctor
• Wear a 3/4 zip when you are going to be late for work

Final Take:

Despite all the shenanigans, the fastest car won

Date watched: 1/20/20

Starring: Robert Miano, Bai Ling, Lance Henriksen

Plot: On the last flight of a transatlantic passenger airliner, a priest, a rabbi and the airline crew team together to save a plane from a pandemic of demonic possessions.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• I’ll bet hell is a ton of fun. It’s probably where all the cool people go. I mean who really wants to go to heaven with a bunch of blue-haired bingo players, and boring guys like you. No offense, Father. — No, none taken.
• So why are you going to Vietnam? — Oh, vaginal rejuvenation. — Is that like a yoga retreat? — No silly, see? *Shows vagina* — Oh my God. — The doctor there’s the best in the world. Says he’s gonna make me tighter than a Chinese finger puzzle.
• He has Tourette Syndrome. — Oh, Tourette’s, my God. My bad. For a minute I thought he was possessed. — So did I, it happens.
• *Priest squeezes flight attendant’s arm* — Flight attendant: Quit that. But just not that tight.
• The power of Moses compels you.
• For the first time, the truth’s right.
• *Vagina shining with light.*  I want one like that.
• I know ancient Vietnamese witch doctor potion, for possession. — Well why didn’t you say so earlier? — No one asked.
• Jesus Christ. That’s hot. – Said the priest to the Rabbi
• You’re on my balls. — What? — You’re on my balls. — Oh I thought you said boils.

Viewer Quotes:

• Hey, I thought priests weren’t allowed to get married, why does he have a wedding ring on? — Married to god?
• “It’s over.” — Not really because you are going to go to jail for killing your family…
• I like that he’s making her the flight attendant’s problem
• Are they going to hit turbulence and the Ouija board going to summon a demon?
• There’s a colonial woman on the wing and she’s churning butter
• He *nose* what’s happening
• I have a prediction that Virginia’s holy vagina will be used at some point
• Ok, did they just find every condiment in the cafeteria and dump it on his head?
• Possessed dog! — I wanted it to get possessed!
• Somehow I managed to miss the shag carpet which is… delightful
• He wants to open her “carpet”
• Demons have limited jurisdiction, I don’t know if you know this but I’m a lawyer
• The nuns are having sex — Gotta keep warm…
• Are the nus still alive, last we saw they were having sex — Some say to this day they are still having sex…
• Thy rod and thy staff comforts me – that’s what she said

Things we learned:

• Don’t check your demon corpse, you want that as a carry on so you can exorcise it in the cabin
• Don’t go to Vietnam — Or if you do go to Vietnam fly a reputable airline

Final Take:

The thing referred to in the title is something that never actually occurred #MisleadingTitle

Date watched: 1/13/20

Starring: Zaria Kelley, Corinne Massiah, Elle Lorraine

Plot: In 1989 an ambitious young woman gets a weave in order to succeed in the image-obsessed world of music television. However, her flourishing career may come at a great cost when she realizes that her new hair may have a mind of its own..  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Y’all, this surfer from Venice got me so twisted. Mm. I don’t know. — You got a surfer colonizing your lands?
• Anna. Something bad has happened. -‐ Oh, I’m aware.
• Sheryl came in. All kind of job demands. Spelling out all of her strengths. If only timing was one of them.
• Let me check with my killer weave support group
• What were you doing upstairs? -‐ I thought motherfuckers was going up there to celebrate, so shit, I went, too. Shit, I was trying to blend in with these zombie bitches to keep ’em at bay.
• Virgie’s? Bitch, I ain’t got $500 to give her! Especially when La’Neka hook a sister up for $250!
• Look, I cannot die today, okay? I haven’t been to church in like, 15 years.
• [whispers]: Bitch, what is you doin’? I done seen all the Jason movies. You ain’t gotta check to see if she’s dead! Come on!

Viewer Quotes:

• The initial interview for the film happened in the PlayStation building…
• Ahh the carpets do match the drapes
• I feel like their hairs will kill each other and then Virgie will walk and in and say “I’ll find you some new bodies”
• It’s a hair-lander, there can only be one
• “[dry slithering]” — Well maybe she should have used conditioner
• Look, there is the killer weave support group right there!
• I have a prediction, he uses the lighter gun to set off the sprinklers
• It’s difficult to weave this story together — It’s a story about a girl finding her roots — Hey! Don’t split ends
• I don’t think that was the type of “black girl magic” she wanted tho.

Things we learned:

• Love yourself as you are
• Learn about your culture
• Appreciate your ancestors
• Don’t fuck with cursed hair
• But cursed hair might save you from a rapist or result in really rewarding revenge-sex

Final Take:

A hair-raising tale.