Bad Movie Wednesday

Date watched: 12/15/21

Starring: Olivia Hussey, Keir Dullea, Margot Kidder

Plot: During their Christmas break, a group of sorority girls are stalked by a stranger. (From IMDB)

Date watched: 10/20/21

Starring: Danielle Lozeau, Andrea Monier, Anthony Fanelli

Plot: A documentary film crew investigates a series of brutal killings known as the Black Water murders. As they delve deeper into the story they stumble upon a horrifying secret, one that they may not survive. (From IMDB)

Date watched: 10/6/21

Starring: Antuone Torbert, Ruben Pla, Tarkan Dospil

Plot: A lethal creature hides in the woods that surround a suburban area killing anyone who gets near. An elite group of soldiers comes into action. (From IMDB)

Date watched: 9/29/21

Starring: Alexandra Daddario, Keean Johnson, Maddie Hasson

Plot: Three best friends embark on a road trip to a heavy-metal show, where they bond with three aspiring musicians and head off to one of the girls’ country home for an after-party. (From IMDB)

Date watched: 9/22/21

Starring: Robert North, Jeremy Whelan, Victoria Scott

Plot: No plot (From IMDB)

Date watched: 9/29/21

Starring: Stuart Whitman, Janet Leigh, Rory Calhoun

Plot: Giant mutant rabbits terrorize the south-west. (From IMDB)

Date watched: 7/21/21

Starring: Ernie Reyes Sr., Rob Schneider, Ernie Reyes Jr.

Plot: Two boys learn from a mysterious warrior that they are the heirs to the throne of Patusan and set out to overthrow the current monarchy. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Boy, those uniforms really give them a chameleon-like ability to blend in with their surroundings.
• You have no sense of duty or honor. — You have no sense of humor, ok?
• You’re not asian. — Oh, yeah? I’ve got 2 words to say to you. David Carradine in Kung Fu.
• Kill him! Kill them. [beep beep] hold on for a second. I’ve got call waiting. [Switches to second line] Yes? Kill them! Kill them immediately! [Switches back to the first line] Good. Now, where were we? Yes, kill them! Send more men to Los Angeles.
• How did you get those handcuffs off? — I had a key. — Where? We searched you. — I swallowed it last Tuesday. — Whoa. How’d you know you were going to need it? — I swallow it every Tuesday.
• Then we’ll go to the caves of Kwantzu, the caves of the ancients. — What’s there? — Your inheritance. — Money? — No… Something not even money can buy, The knives of Kwantzu. — Knives? — Oh, yeah. Seriously, that’s something money can’t buy, knives. Once I went to a cutlery store and said, “here’s $100,000. Can I buy a knife?” they said, “no, money can’t buy knives.” gee, I guess that’s why you hardly ever see any of them around. On the third day of the expedition, they came across a giant rubber plant. Unfortunately, they could not cut it down. For, as we know, money can’t buy knives. Walking around the plant, they continued on the shores of Patusan. — Is there no way we can shut this chattering monkey up? — You know, I’d cut him, but I don’t have a knife.
• As my first act as your king… I hereby dissolve the monarchy, give the government to its people, ’cause your destiny’s to be free! I mean, don’t get me wrong, cool headgear, I love the clothes and all, but… (pushed guy back down stairs) Like I was saying, as my future queen and I go off to take our SATs, remember, we’re all created equal. ’cause I was born into royalty, I’m no different from you. Put my face on a stamp, a 50-cent piece, and let’s call it a day. For now, my people, I’m out of here.

Viewer Quotes:

• “If he’s a great warrior, what about the kid here? — You’ll be a seer of visions. Close your eyes and tell me what you see. — I see you, leading thousands victoriously into battle and becoming a national hero. — Really? — Oh, my gosh! You’re wearing a dress! What’s this? Psych! What a bonehead.” — So it’s clear that’s going to happen before the end of this movie right? (Didn’t happen, failure of the writers)
• Damn, I hope that guy she pushed down the stairs wasn’t pregnant — (Guy gets pushed down the stairs again) — Must have been twins — (Guy gets pushed down the stairs again) — It was triplets! — I don’t have time for this to an octo-mom situation so it better be just triplets

Things we learned:

• Money can’t but Knives
• Ninja skills come from your genitals

Rule 34 Titles:

• Squirt Ninja

Final Take:

Money can’t but Knives

Date watched: 7/14/21

Starring: Shannon Stockin, Ford Windstar, Steve Guynn

Plot: No plot (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Wait, Sasquatch! Come back!
• Where’s your dildo, cop?
• Oh Jesus, I need this like a damn Billy Goat pecker going on top of my head.
• Hell, people see weird stuff like that in the clouds all the time! My grandma saw the devil jumping rope one time in the clouds!
• Never go swimming with bowlegged women.
• What the hell was that? — Ah, that’s Amazing.com. They deliver, I belong to the Pronto program so I get packages in four hours, and free streaming movies right to my phone. — What are you, the damn spokesperson for them or something?
• What happened to the Conan virus and social distancing? I’m gonna tell Governor Andy about this one.

Viewer Quotes:

• So this in in KY right? — Yep https://goo.gl/maps/gfgRZhk4kcwG1hU5A
• I’ve seen better produced porns…
• How many pairs of underwear does she have? — That’s the second dress she’s taken off? — Don’t invite her to strip poker.
• It’s discount Will Ferrell
• Girl, you don’t get paid by the hour…
• Why is this in KY, we aren’t known for our corn — Yeah, go to Ohio — Yeah, that’s just full of sharks…
• Oh man, you’ve got to get the most of out of that After Effects purchase
• That’s just a straw from Hardees! — That’s very specific — I know my fast food straws
• The kids are the best actors of the film so far
• “We close the damn corn fields.” — Close the corn fields? But it’s tourist season
• “I can feel what you have in there.” — Step 1 make hole in the briefcase? — Step 2 put a shark in the briefcase?

Things we learned:

• Don’t play hide and go strip in the corn field
• Jaws in 30 seconds was a better film than this
• We are never going to get these hours (1 hour 40 min)
• I feel like we were better off talking about Polly Pocket (pre-movie discussion)

Rule 34 Titles:

• Sharks in the Cornhole
• Sharks of the Porn

Final Take:

Bigfoot is real

Date watched: 6/30/21

Starring: Pamela Anderson, Amir AboulEla, Adriana Alexander

Plot: During the Second American Civil War in 2017, Barb Wire owns a nightclub called the Hammerhead. Things become complicated when her ex-lover Axel Hood, who is married to the fugitive Corrina Devonshire, re-enters her life. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Ms. Kopetski died in the war. I’m Barb Wire.
• I will make my offer in person. — If I were you, I wouldn’t do that. — Why? — Miss Wire’s private secretary, Camille here (gestures to guard dog), doesn’t have you in her appointment book. And she can be very mean. (Dog barks) You see?
• Look, we just stick with the plan, OK? — (Associate is shot) — Change of plans.
• Camille, package check. (Dog bites guys crotch)
• Normally, I don’t get emotional about my work, but vaporizing your springy ass is going to be a real pleasure.

Viewer Quotes:

• Sorry guys, I guess I voted for a documentary
• “The year was 2017, the worst year of my life.” — Oh, just wait 3 years…
• She just really likes being wet — She’s alway’s wet
• It’s WAP – Wet Ass Pamala
• “You a cop? — (Opens jacket) See a badge?” — I see a vag
• If he can’t get that key in that hole then it doesn’t bode well for the rest of the evening
• “Why don’t you go change into something a little more comfortable? — How about something a little less comfortable?” — Gimp outfit (chanted 3 times) — Please not a baby (It was thankfully a gimp outfit)
• “Very interesting woman. — With most impressive assets.” — Huge tracts of land
• “In an emergency, pull that yellow lever.” — What type of an emergency‽‽‽

Things we learned:

• If you dye your hair too much it will kill it dead
• Post Apocalyptic Pamala Anderson is always Switzerland
• To escape the Congressionals, call 1-800-Contacts
• Congressional insurance does not cover contact lenses
• I fought the law, and the law won, but then the law changed sides

Rule 34 Titles:

• Barb Underwire

Final Take:

This movie would have been much better without it’s plot, aka a soft-core action-porn

Date watched: 6/23/21

Starring: Gunnar Hansen, Linnea Quigley, John Henry Richardson

Plot: A detective embarks on a mission to track down a woman in L.A.’s seedy nightclubs, only to come face-to-face with a blood-thirsty cult of lethally beautiful prostitutes. Is he the next victim of Hollywood’s demented Chainsaw Hookers? (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• “The CHAINSAWS used in this Motion Picture are REAL and DANGEROUS! They are handled here by seasoned PROFESSIONALS. The makers of this Motion Picture advise strongly against anyone attempting to perform these stunts at home. Especially if you are naked and about to engage in strenuous sex” – Title screen
• The West Side Bar, the kind of dark, quiet, sleazy place where dark, quiet, sleazy things happen on a regular basis
• Harrison at metro had a freaked out girl that matched that description of my runaway in custody the charge: makin McNuggets with a chainsaw
• Just what I need today, a private dick in my face
• Being a dick is a 24-hour a day job
• Another death by dismemberment in the news tonight, this brings the total up to 5 over the last 2 weeks. Detective Harrison of the metro division made a statement this afternoon attributing the most recent death to an accident, the guy was just cleaning his chainsaw when it went off… yeah sure
• I decided to flash the missing girl’s picture around while I waited. First I showed him Samantha Kelso’s photo, then I showed him a picture of a chainsaw I’d torn out of a magazine at Sally’s place, still nothing, then I showed him how to make a shadow bunny on the wall. Nothing phased this guy
• You could’ve knocked me over with a pubic hair
• If there was an award for suckers given out annually I’d have to buy a bigger mantle piece
• That’s the biggest bra I ever tasted
• What is this, some ancient chainsaw worshiping cult? — Actually, that’s just what it is. Oh yeah? What do you do, pray to Black & Decker?
• Our religion has it’s roots in the Egypt of my ancestors — Come on, they didn’t have chainsaws back then — But there were the chainsaws of the gods
• You talk pretty tough when you’re untied
• Private dick, huh? I shoulda known better, there’s no such thing in Hollywood
• Let me tell you something sister I’ve been shot, almost, 5 times …. In fact a couple times I was almost stabbed
• That kid talked like a frosted flake but she had the nicest set of knockers that I’d seen in a long time
• You know I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about that lately, I’ve come to the conclusion that this building isn’t zoned for human sacrifices, you guys could get in a whole lot of trouble

Viewer Quotes:

• “Well I went over to the closet and I took out a sexual enhancement device — And is this the device? (Puts chainsaw on table) — Yeah that’s it” — I’m sorry, THAT’S a sexual enhancement device‽‽‽
• She doesn’t have much of an ass, her crack’is’a’lacking
• “I’ve got just the thing to loosen you up now close your eyes and Mercedes will bring you a big surprise” — Crazy eyes! Crazy eyes!
• I’m surprised there is no comment about the important role of the Homelite 340 on on the Chain Saw Collectors Corner… Also, there’s a Chain Saw Collectors Corner
• He just head-butted jazzercise barbie
• “All the skin on her mouth was cut and looked like she was laughing” — You wanna know how I got these scars?
• If you are ever wondering if they are real or fake, check out boobpedia.com

Things we learned:

• If a women of the night insults you in a bar, don’t go home with her
• Egyptians had chainsaw gods
• Cults can be based on pretty much anything
• Stop at the gas station first
• That private eye was not very good a research since he didn’t even know her age
• In Hollywood you only have to be 11 to drink at a bar

Rule 34 Titles:

• Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

Final Take:

Homelite chainsaws are a cut above the rest