Bad Movie Wednesday

Date watched: 7/21/21

Starring: Ernie Reyes Sr., Rob Schneider, Ernie Reyes Jr.

Plot: Two boys learn from a mysterious warrior that they are the heirs to the throne of Patusan and set out to overthrow the current monarchy. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Boy, those uniforms really give them a chameleon-like ability to blend in with their surroundings.
• You have no sense of duty or honor. — You have no sense of humor, ok?
• You’re not asian. — Oh, yeah? I’ve got 2 words to say to you. David Carradine in Kung Fu.
• Kill him! Kill them. [beep beep] hold on for a second. I’ve got call waiting. [Switches to second line] Yes? Kill them! Kill them immediately! [Switches back to the first line] Good. Now, where were we? Yes, kill them! Send more men to Los Angeles.
• How did you get those handcuffs off? — I had a key. — Where? We searched you. — I swallowed it last Tuesday. — Whoa. How’d you know you were going to need it? — I swallow it every Tuesday.
• Then we’ll go to the caves of Kwantzu, the caves of the ancients. — What’s there? — Your inheritance. — Money? — No… Something not even money can buy, The knives of Kwantzu. — Knives? — Oh, yeah. Seriously, that’s something money can’t buy, knives. Once I went to a cutlery store and said, “here’s $100,000. Can I buy a knife?” they said, “no, money can’t buy knives.” gee, I guess that’s why you hardly ever see any of them around. On the third day of the expedition, they came across a giant rubber plant. Unfortunately, they could not cut it down. For, as we know, money can’t buy knives. Walking around the plant, they continued on the shores of Patusan. — Is there no way we can shut this chattering monkey up? — You know, I’d cut him, but I don’t have a knife.
• As my first act as your king… I hereby dissolve the monarchy, give the government to its people, ’cause your destiny’s to be free! I mean, don’t get me wrong, cool headgear, I love the clothes and all, but… (pushed guy back down stairs) Like I was saying, as my future queen and I go off to take our SATs, remember, we’re all created equal. ’cause I was born into royalty, I’m no different from you. Put my face on a stamp, a 50-cent piece, and let’s call it a day. For now, my people, I’m out of here.

Viewer Quotes:

• “If he’s a great warrior, what about the kid here? — You’ll be a seer of visions. Close your eyes and tell me what you see. — I see you, leading thousands victoriously into battle and becoming a national hero. — Really? — Oh, my gosh! You’re wearing a dress! What’s this? Psych! What a bonehead.” — So it’s clear that’s going to happen before the end of this movie right? (Didn’t happen, failure of the writers)
• Damn, I hope that guy she pushed down the stairs wasn’t pregnant — (Guy gets pushed down the stairs again) — Must have been twins — (Guy gets pushed down the stairs again) — It was triplets! — I don’t have time for this to an octo-mom situation so it better be just triplets

Things we learned:

• Money can’t but Knives
• Ninja skills come from your genitals

Rule 34 Titles:

• Squirt Ninja

Final Take:

Money can’t but Knives

Date watched: 7/14/21

Starring: Shannon Stockin, Ford Windstar, Steve Guynn

Plot: No plot (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Wait, Sasquatch! Come back!
• Where’s your dildo, cop?
• Oh Jesus, I need this like a damn Billy Goat pecker going on top of my head.
• Hell, people see weird stuff like that in the clouds all the time! My grandma saw the devil jumping rope one time in the clouds!
• Never go swimming with bowlegged women.
• What the hell was that? — Ah, that’s Amazing.com. They deliver, I belong to the Pronto program so I get packages in four hours, and free streaming movies right to my phone. — What are you, the damn spokesperson for them or something?
• What happened to the Conan virus and social distancing? I’m gonna tell Governor Andy about this one.

Viewer Quotes:

• So this in in KY right? — Yep https://goo.gl/maps/gfgRZhk4kcwG1hU5A
• I’ve seen better produced porns…
• How many pairs of underwear does she have? — That’s the second dress she’s taken off? — Don’t invite her to strip poker.
• It’s discount Will Ferrell
• Girl, you don’t get paid by the hour…
• Why is this in KY, we aren’t known for our corn — Yeah, go to Ohio — Yeah, that’s just full of sharks…
• Oh man, you’ve got to get the most of out of that After Effects purchase
• That’s just a straw from Hardees! — That’s very specific — I know my fast food straws
• The kids are the best actors of the film so far
• “We close the damn corn fields.” — Close the corn fields? But it’s tourist season
• “I can feel what you have in there.” — Step 1 make hole in the briefcase? — Step 2 put a shark in the briefcase?

Things we learned:

• Don’t play hide and go strip in the corn field
• Jaws in 30 seconds was a better film than this
• We are never going to get these hours (1 hour 40 min)
• I feel like we were better off talking about Polly Pocket (pre-movie discussion)

Rule 34 Titles:

• Sharks in the Cornhole
• Sharks of the Porn

Final Take:

Bigfoot is real

Date watched: 6/30/21

Starring: Pamela Anderson, Amir AboulEla, Adriana Alexander

Plot: During the Second American Civil War in 2017, Barb Wire owns a nightclub called the Hammerhead. Things become complicated when her ex-lover Axel Hood, who is married to the fugitive Corrina Devonshire, re-enters her life. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Ms. Kopetski died in the war. I’m Barb Wire.
• I will make my offer in person. — If I were you, I wouldn’t do that. — Why? — Miss Wire’s private secretary, Camille here (gestures to guard dog), doesn’t have you in her appointment book. And she can be very mean. (Dog barks) You see?
• Look, we just stick with the plan, OK? — (Associate is shot) — Change of plans.
• Camille, package check. (Dog bites guys crotch)
• Normally, I don’t get emotional about my work, but vaporizing your springy ass is going to be a real pleasure.

Viewer Quotes:

• Sorry guys, I guess I voted for a documentary
• “The year was 2017, the worst year of my life.” — Oh, just wait 3 years…
• She just really likes being wet — She’s alway’s wet
• It’s WAP – Wet Ass Pamala
• “You a cop? — (Opens jacket) See a badge?” — I see a vag
• If he can’t get that key in that hole then it doesn’t bode well for the rest of the evening
• “Why don’t you go change into something a little more comfortable? — How about something a little less comfortable?” — Gimp outfit (chanted 3 times) — Please not a baby (It was thankfully a gimp outfit)
• “Very interesting woman. — With most impressive assets.” — Huge tracts of land
• “In an emergency, pull that yellow lever.” — What type of an emergency‽‽‽

Things we learned:

• If you dye your hair too much it will kill it dead
• Post Apocalyptic Pamala Anderson is always Switzerland
• To escape the Congressionals, call 1-800-Contacts
• Congressional insurance does not cover contact lenses
• I fought the law, and the law won, but then the law changed sides

Rule 34 Titles:

• Barb Underwire

Final Take:

This movie would have been much better without it’s plot, aka a soft-core action-porn