Date watched: 6/23/21
Starring: Gunnar Hansen, Linnea Quigley, John Henry Richardson
Plot: A detective embarks on a mission to track down a woman in L.A.’s seedy nightclubs, only to come face-to-face with a blood-thirsty cult of lethally beautiful prostitutes. Is he the next victim of Hollywood’s demented Chainsaw Hookers? (From IMDB)
Quotes:
- “The CHAINSAWS used in this Motion Picture are REAL and DANGEROUS! They are handled here by seasoned PROFESSIONALS. The makers of this Motion Picture advise strongly against anyone attempting to perform these stunts at home. Especially if you are naked and about to engage in strenuous sex” – Title screen
- The West Side Bar, the kind of dark, quiet, sleazy place where dark, quiet, sleazy things happen on a regular basis
- Harrison at metro had a freaked out girl that matched that description of my runaway in custody the charge: makin McNuggets with a chainsaw
- Just what I need today, a private dick in my face
- Being a dick is a 24-hour a day job
- Another death by dismemberment in the news tonight, this brings the total up to 5 over the last 2 weeks. Detective Harrison of the metro division made a statement this afternoon attributing the most recent death to an accident, the guy was just cleaning his chainsaw when it went off… yeah sure
- I decided to flash the missing girl’s picture around while I waited. First I showed him Samantha Kelso’s photo, then I showed him a picture of a chainsaw I’d torn out of a magazine at Sally’s place, still nothing, then I showed him how to make a shadow bunny on the wall. Nothing phased this guy
- You could’ve knocked me over with a pubic hair
- If there was an award for suckers given out annually I’d have to buy a bigger mantle piece
- That’s the biggest bra I ever tasted
- What is this, some ancient chainsaw worshiping cult? — Actually, that’s just what it is. Oh yeah? What do you do, pray to Black & Decker?
- Our religion has it’s roots in the Egypt of my ancestors — Come on, they didn’t have chainsaws back then — But there were the chainsaws of the gods
- You talk pretty tough when you’re untied
- Private dick, huh? I shoulda known better, there’s no such thing in Hollywood
- Let me tell you something sister I’ve been shot, almost, 5 times …. In fact a couple times I was almost stabbed
- That kid talked like a frosted flake but she had the nicest set of knockers that I’d seen in a long time
- You know I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about that lately, I’ve come to the conclusion that this building isn’t zoned for human sacrifices, you guys could get in a whole lot of trouble
Viewer Quotes:
- “Well I went over to the closet and I took out a sexual enhancement device — And is this the device? (Puts chainsaw on table) — Yeah that’s it” — I’m sorry, THAT’S a sexual enhancement device‽‽‽
- She doesn’t have much of an ass, her crack’is’a’lacking
- “I’ve got just the thing to loosen you up now close your eyes and Mercedes will bring you a big surprise” — Crazy eyes! Crazy eyes!
- I’m surprised there is no comment about the important role of the Homelite 340 on on the Chain Saw Collectors Corner… Also, there’s a Chain Saw Collectors Corner
- He just head-butted jazzercise barbie
- “All the skin on her mouth was cut and looked like she was laughing” — You wanna know how I got these scars?
- If you are ever wondering if they are real or fake, check out boobpedia.com
Things we learned:
- If a women of the night insults you in a bar, don’t go home with her
- Egyptians had chainsaw gods
- Cults can be based on pretty much anything
- Stop at the gas station first
- That private eye was not very good a research since he didn’t even know her age
- In Hollywood you only have to be 11 to drink at a bar
Rule 34 Titles:
- Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers
Final Take:
Homelite chainsaws are a cut above the rest