Bad Movie Wednesday

Date watched: 6/23/21

Starring: Gunnar Hansen, Linnea Quigley, John Henry Richardson

Plot: A detective embarks on a mission to track down a woman in L.A.’s seedy nightclubs, only to come face-to-face with a blood-thirsty cult of lethally beautiful prostitutes. Is he the next victim of Hollywood’s demented Chainsaw Hookers? (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• “The CHAINSAWS used in this Motion Picture are REAL and DANGEROUS! They are handled here by seasoned PROFESSIONALS. The makers of this Motion Picture advise strongly against anyone attempting to perform these stunts at home. Especially if you are naked and about to engage in strenuous sex” – Title screen
• The West Side Bar, the kind of dark, quiet, sleazy place where dark, quiet, sleazy things happen on a regular basis
• Harrison at metro had a freaked out girl that matched that description of my runaway in custody the charge: makin McNuggets with a chainsaw
• Just what I need today, a private dick in my face
• Being a dick is a 24-hour a day job
• Another death by dismemberment in the news tonight, this brings the total up to 5 over the last 2 weeks. Detective Harrison of the metro division made a statement this afternoon attributing the most recent death to an accident, the guy was just cleaning his chainsaw when it went off… yeah sure
• I decided to flash the missing girl’s picture around while I waited. First I showed him Samantha Kelso’s photo, then I showed him a picture of a chainsaw I’d torn out of a magazine at Sally’s place, still nothing, then I showed him how to make a shadow bunny on the wall. Nothing phased this guy
• You could’ve knocked me over with a pubic hair
• If there was an award for suckers given out annually I’d have to buy a bigger mantle piece
• That’s the biggest bra I ever tasted
• What is this, some ancient chainsaw worshiping cult? — Actually, that’s just what it is. Oh yeah? What do you do, pray to Black & Decker?
• Our religion has it’s roots in the Egypt of my ancestors — Come on, they didn’t have chainsaws back then — But there were the chainsaws of the gods
• You talk pretty tough when you’re untied
• Private dick, huh? I shoulda known better, there’s no such thing in Hollywood
• Let me tell you something sister I’ve been shot, almost, 5 times …. In fact a couple times I was almost stabbed
• That kid talked like a frosted flake but she had the nicest set of knockers that I’d seen in a long time
• You know I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about that lately, I’ve come to the conclusion that this building isn’t zoned for human sacrifices, you guys could get in a whole lot of trouble

Viewer Quotes:

• “Well I went over to the closet and I took out a sexual enhancement device — And is this the device? (Puts chainsaw on table) — Yeah that’s it” — I’m sorry, THAT’S a sexual enhancement device‽‽‽
• She doesn’t have much of an ass, her crack’is’a’lacking
• “I’ve got just the thing to loosen you up now close your eyes and Mercedes will bring you a big surprise” — Crazy eyes! Crazy eyes!
• I’m surprised there is no comment about the important role of the Homelite 340 on on the Chain Saw Collectors Corner… Also, there’s a Chain Saw Collectors Corner
• He just head-butted jazzercise barbie
• “All the skin on her mouth was cut and looked like she was laughing” — You wanna know how I got these scars?
• If you are ever wondering if they are real or fake, check out boobpedia.com

Things we learned:

• If a women of the night insults you in a bar, don’t go home with her
• Egyptians had chainsaw gods
• Cults can be based on pretty much anything
• Stop at the gas station first
• That private eye was not very good a research since he didn’t even know her age
• In Hollywood you only have to be 11 to drink at a bar

Rule 34 Titles:

• Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

Final Take:

Homelite chainsaws are a cut above the rest

Note: This was a special watch for one of our group’s birthday.

Date watched: 6/16/21

Starring: Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme

Plot: Two brothers travel to Germany for Oktoberfest, only to stumble upon a secret, centuries-old competition described as a “Fight Club” with beer games. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• I happen to have married that plastic fuck doll!
• (Is performing CPR on husband, pulls something out of her mouth) — Oh, my God, what is that? — Ham.
• Those Germans said our grandfather stole their family recipe. — If he had it, why didn’t he brew it? — Hebrew?
• It’s beautiful. — It’s magical. — It’s laughing at me. — I wish I could brush my teeth with it. — I wanna put my dick in it. — I want it to put its dick in me. (Talking about a beer)
• Krista said she couldn’t handle all the lies and the drinking anymore. She took the kids and left. — Oh, my God. You’ve got kids?
• Wow, you even talk like a whore. — We are all whores in some way, Mr. Finkelstein.
• I don’t know what I would do if somebody shoved a paddle handle up my ass. — Wasn’t the handle. I’ve been shitting pancakes ever since.
• You know, I came to a conference here once. Hookerthon 2002. Fantastic seminars.

Viewer Quotes:

• 🎵Honey, I’m still free take a chance on me🎵
• “You do not speak of Beerfest outside of Beerfest!” — First rule of fight club is you don’t talk about fight club
• Your Gam Gam swallows better than that!
• Kermit wants more!

Things we learned:

• Turn the boot
• The Germans are better at swallowing
• We all sleep better with a little bit of sausage in us
• If you have to ask what it is you can’t afford it

Rule 34 Titles:

• Boobfest
• ZJ-fest

Final Take:

We are all whores in some way – Gam Gam

Date watched: 6/9/21

Starring: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Peter Stormare

Plot: Brother-sister duo Hansel and Gretel are professional witch hunters who help innocent villagers. But they soon stumble upon a case that could hold the key to their past. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Is it hot enough for you now bitch?
• Then again, we hunt witches for a living. What’s normal, really?
• Damn you! — Too late, already damned.

Viewer Quotes:

• It’s so veiny (In reference to the shotgun)
• “A child was taken, ma’am. We’re here to find him and take him back. There’s no children here. Here … There is only death!” — Oh, well then we’ll be going then
• The anachronisms will continue until morale improves
• This is a weird Harry Potter movie
• “Say your name or I’ll pin you to the fucking wall.” — Kinky…
• What are you doing step-troll?
• This pull-string defibrillator is pretty neat
• You’re never too good to beat a bitch with a shovel — That’s what I always say
• Isn’t this on PornHub as “Brother and Sister doubleteam a MILF”? — NO! It’s a WILF

Things we learned:

• It’s a penis
• It’s a dick
• It’s veiny and it’s girth-y

Rule 34 Titles:

• Brother and Sister doubleteam a WILF
• Hansel & Gretel: WILF Hunters

Final Take:

While the plot might be flacid, the firearms are not

Date watched: 6/2/21

Starring: George Manley, Scott Frank, Holly Thorson

Plot: Someone is going medieval on Marla’s friends, brutally killing them one by one. When she tries to tell people what’s happening – a cursed medieval knight is on a rampage – no one believes her. She soon learns that she alone possesses the power to end the mayhem in a family heirloom – The Amulet of Thorns. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Whips, chains, and iron maiden is my Friday night
• That dude might love cock but his parties are legendary
• Guy pukes in sink — No wonder they called it the dark ages… savages! mumbled gibberish
• Said to the naked guy: We’d better get you inside before the dim but ever-present home owners association takes offense to your natural bearing, shall we say my room?
• Who art thy father? — Thou art, thou art!
• Set me free, I’m tired of walking though space
• Police at the crime scene: You want some pie? — Banana cream? — yeah
• Ahh, that’s vintage slut-wear

Viewer Quotes:

• “I know you’re not a slut, neither am I” — Audience Ehhhhhh
• I mean it’s all the dude’s fault, he went for the girl with mommy issues instead of the girl with daddy issues (said by a female watcher)
• Character reading out loud — Bitch, it’s a library, shut up
• He’s like ‘She’s a witch! She can read’
• That’s clearly only a flesh wound – 3 people at the same time
• Hear me out, instead of going back and reading only one sentence at a time maybe she should read it all at once
• Every time I see the bad guy I think it’s a discount Jamie from Mythbusters
• Surely he cannot harm such, generous tracks of land
• “Hurry there’s not much sand in the hourglass left” — Yeah, because the trial for their FX software is about to expire
• Gotta say, I wouldn’t have picked giant lightning rod for how this ended

Things we learned:

• Lose your virginity early to avoid being hunted for your purity
• No means no unless it doesn’t? We aren’t sure at the end
• Male baldness is more common than you expect

Rule 34 Titles:

• Dong of Knight

Final Take:

Don’t piss off David Bowie and then stand in a suit of armor during a storm