Bad Movie Wednesday

Date watched: 4/28/21

Starring: Gene Wilder, Gilda Radner, Dom DeLuise

Plot: Two radio voice actors are getting married. Larry has fits of fear. A shrink needs 36 hours to scare him to death and cure him – a family reunion at a scary family castle. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• It’s not what you think. … Well, it’s partly what you think, but, er… Oh, it’s so complicated.
• Rings bell to get attention I know that one of you is a werewolf. I saw you in the garden this afternoon. […] One of you is preying upon the fears of an old woman. Whoever you are, may God strike you dead. … Now let’s have coffee and dessert in the music room.

Viewer Quotes:

• “I, Paul Abbot, promise that I can cure Larry within 36 hours” — I, Paul Abbot, am once again asking for your financial support
• Tricks are what whores do for money
• You heard it first here folks, sod is the key to getting away with murder

Things we learned:

• The Honeymoon is apparently before the wedding?
• Never trust a radio personality

Rule 34 Titles:

• Haunted Hineys 18

Final Take:

This movie makes me understand why this is the last movie Gene Wilder ever directed…

Date watched: 4/21/21

Starring: Jack Scalia, Jeremy Luke, Joseph Russo

Plot: A cast of characters, strikingly similar to the cast of Jersey Shore, try to survive an epidemic of sharks attacking Miami Beach. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• We can’t leave Vinny bobbing around like this. We got to give him a proper burial. — Seriously? They’re just going to cremate him and sprinkle his ashes in the sea. We saved ’em a bunch of steps.
• You really think you’re gonna attract sharks with protein bars? — Nothing’s going to resist 25 grams of power-packed peanut-butter crunch.
• You call this a venue? I mean, when I asked you to book me something, like, on a boardwalk, I meant Atlantic City, not Seaside Heights. This is embarrassing. Justin wouldn’t put up with this.
• Listen, I don’t do autographs before my performance, okay? — No, we don’t want your autograph. — Why not? – Joey Fatone, formally of NSYNC
• Everyone we spoke to was shaken by the events. — Like Moby Dick, but with a fin.
• He took aim with his harpoon and, bada-bing,- shot him through his left eye. — Why the left? — Because that’s the eye of the devil.

Viewer Quotes:

• Looks like Danny DeVito — More like Guido DeVito
• My name is The Complication, you killed my friend JP, prepare to die
• I don’t think any of have ever punched a drunk guido in the face — Well I have…

Things we learned:

• Don’t mess with the guidos
• A 4″ heel is worth it but sometimes you’ve just got to let it go
• A tan guido vs an albino shark = the guido winds
• Sometimes Italian guys are named Patrick
• If you get get pounded too loud you might attract unwanted attention

Rule 34 Titles:

• Jersey Shore Skank Attack

Final Take:

Guidos: hearts and chains of gold

Date watched: 4/14/21

Starring: Jason Yachanin, Kate Graham, Allyson Sereboff

Plot: Zombified chickens attempt to kill the fast-food workers that cook them in a restaurant built on an ancient burial ground. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Gosh, Arbie, you’re the best dry humper in school! Ah, thanks Wendy, that’s what the guys on the basketball team say.
• What do we want? — For the evil devil-worshiping maggot conglomerates to cease the destruction of our beloved country and replacing our purple mountain majesties with corporate cookie-cutter retail spots! — When do we want it? — Now! Or at least within the next 3 years, through ending the minority class action share-holder lawsuits priority in Section 16b of the Securities and Exchange Act of 1932; so our contingency plaintiff lawyers can get us multi-million dollar settlements!
• You-you said you’d never change but-but here you are, just bumpin’ tacos!
• You see, Arbie, the same shit happened in Vietnam! The White Man thought the Yellow Man was turnin’ red, and so he sent the Black Man in to clean up his mess, Arbie!
• That chicken! The chicken has declared jihad on us all! Hm! That reminds me, I need to get a tampon.
• Arbie! How dare you let that priest nibble on my cock! What are you the Catholic Church?
• Guys! Guys! This is not a terrorist thing. And this not a sodomy thing. This is an angry chicken Indian spirit thing! — What? — And If we don’t find out a way to stop them, we’re all going to have mops shoved up our butts!
• Oh, it’s just like my ole’ Grand pappy used to say: Hey Junior! Get over here with them matches! “This cross ain’t goin’ to burn itself!”
• You know, they say you can tell the size of a cock by staring it down from its beak, all the way to its tail feathers.
• My soccer leg!
• Jambalaya! Crawdaddy! Po’ boy! Gumbo God dammit! — He’s turned into a ‘Blackened Cajun’ chicken!
• We need to figure out a way to keep them out! — But how? This place is 50% glass! They’ll break through faster than the 5 minutes it took me to turn Wendy into a full-blown lesbian! — Damn it! We need action before they turn the glass into lesbians!
• Paco, let’s go! — No, I’m staying. America isn’t ready to accept a gay Mexican, chicken sandwich!
• Oh Humus, I hope you get those 72 Virginians, because they are for lovers!

Viewer Quotes:

• WHY.
• Shitting yourself skinny
• When fucking a chicken carcass goes awry
• Now they choking the chicken
• America STILL isn’t ready for a gay Mexican, chicken sandwich!

Things we learned:

• This is the pinnacle of bad movies
• This is the best of the worst
• The line between a porn and a not-porn is made of chicken

Rule 34 Titles:

• Poultrygeist. Night of the Chicken Dead (pretty sure it was porn)

Final Take:

Don’t watch this movie, it’s finger-licking bad