Bad Movie Wednesday

Date watched: 3/10/21

Starring: Rebecca Romijn, Arden Myrin, Hayley Griffith

Plot: A pizza delivery girl at the end of her financial rope has to fight for her life – and her tips – when her last order of the night turns out to be high society Satanists in need of a virgin sacrifice. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Five years ago, I took an order to Mill Basin. The fuckers stiffed me for the tip and slammed the door in my face. So I went through the window, and everybody’s boning… like, dudes, chicks, dogs and cats, a frog and shit. So I’m in there getting it, like, “Ribbit!” Like everybody’s all, “Unh! Unh!” And I passed the hat. Made $32. You go to Mill Basin a delivery boy, but you come back a delivery man.
• That’s a Kmart bra, so I’m assuming you’re not one of them.
• For fuck’s sake, they were about to bang me to death with a giant killdo, okay?
• Don’t be a fascist, Gypsy. We didn’t sell our souls so we could clomp around outdoors like a bunch of goddamn hippies. — Fascists get things done.
• Well, I have an eight ball of cocaine and feel empty inside. Why don’t you come over and fill me up?
• No, I know what you’re thinking, but even if I stuck a fucking candle up your cooch, it’s strictly dickly when it comes to black magic.
• Damn it, Kyle.

Viewer Quotes:

• (Guys slips all over the place trying to run away) – That’s what you get for leaving your socks on during sex
• “We run the world.” — (at the same time) “Girls!” and “Who run the world?”
• “Are you ready to make an investment in your future?” — What hedge fund is this?
• “Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.” — I feel like some hedge fund has that in latin on their seal
• I swear to god… if she pops out 2 fuzzy bunnies…. OMG!

Things we learned:

• Don’t be a pizza delivery man… girl… person
• Premarital sex may save you from a satanic cult
• Satanism is an MLM
• Homeschoolers all belong to some kind of cult

Rule 34 Titles:

• Two Fuzzy Bunnies
• Killdo
• Satanism 101: Strictly Dickly

Final Take:

The satanic panic is/was real

Date watched: 3/17/21

Starring: Killian Coyle, Stuart Graham, Michael Hough

Plot: When an island off the coast of Ireland is invaded by bloodsucking aliens, the heroes discover that getting drunk is the only way to survive. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• It’s dead, right? — Um, I’m not sure. — You are not what? — The basic tests I’ve done so far have shown up nothing usual or normal. It is beyond mystifying. I mean, really, I can’t be sure without opening it up. — /smacks the alien body with a plank of wood/ ‘Tis dead.
• All this thing needs to survive… is blood and water. — Could you put it on the eBay? Do you think?
• What killed him, Jim? — The fact that he’s just a head.
• You know what’s to blame for all this? Global warming. You got your icebergs melting, and your thingamajigs flooding. The whole world is drowning, and we have don’t have the gills for it.
• It’s trying to fuck me face!
• /After stabbing the creature multiple times/ — There goes THE scientific discovery of our time. Imagine all that we could’ve learned. Oh… Still moving? — /Starts stabbing the creature multiple times again/
• I would’ve helped, but I have a bad back.
• All right, weapons. What have we got? — Crap. — I have a nail gun /uses it on a board/ and a board with a nail in it.
• Did you split because, um… because of your alcoholic-isis?
• /Said in a monotone-drunk voice/ No, don’t be a hero.
• Smith, listen to me! Listen to me! It’s bigger than you think. Get back inside now, please. I’m begging ya! — I need a photograph with it for National Geographic… and Facebook.

Viewer Quotes:

• /Man gets stabbed and pulled overboard/ — “Skipper! Dad!” — You are going to yell “Skipper” before you yell “Dad”? That’s not a healthy relationship.
• In honor of St Patrick’s day, drink every time they say “Paddy”
• That seems suspiciously like Chekhov’s Hooch…

Things we learned:

• If you are always drunk you are probably fine
• Sometimes getting drunk IS the solution

Rule 34 Titles:

• Gropers

Final Take:

Grab a seat and watch this movie

Date watched: 3/3/21

Starring: Alec Owen, Ben Gigli, Olivia Taylor Dudley

Plot: In the wake of two back-to-back mass murders on Chico’s frat row, loner Brent Chirino must infiltrate the ranks of a popular fraternity to investigate his twin brother’s murder at the hands of the serial killer known as “Motherface.” (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• The junior-year streaking contest was under way. I was supposed to officiate, but I couldn’t go because I got pink eye. That fart on my face saved my life.
• But in the end, thanks to our good looks and bond of brotherhood, the Delta Bis triumphed once more.
• It’s time you take your life… …back.
• My whole family was once murdered by wolves.
• I’m ready to party until my pants fall off.
• This is Todd. We call him T-O-Double-D for short.
• No, Todd, we’re Americans! We can do whatever we want with no consequences! No consequences in America!
• Well, they don’t call me Ol’ Iron Arms Headcheese for nothing. Just 20 more miles, and I’ll have an ice-cold brew waiting for me. Ha! Oh, monkey butts. Is it so pooping hard to load a legacy into a… a whore paddle boat?! That’s it. I’m gonna say it. F-f-f-fuck this creek! Those dick farts never gave two shitting bitches about Ol’ Iron Arms. They’ll see. I’ll show those vagina faces what’s what. Those Delta Bi titty jizzers will regret the day they were…
• Not gonna lie, Candace… That sounds real boring. I would not want to get banged in a bookmobile.
• Virgin strength!
• Quit remembering your dead brother and jump in the water.
• Please let me in! I just got punched in the face, and my boyfriend’s dead! This weekend is not going at all how I planned it.
• Pause the tape. Enhance. I said enhance, damn you! Now squint.
• I was honestly glad we didn’t wear seat belts! You know, fuck safety!
• Oh, you don’t care. You don’t even know our names. — Yea… yeah, I do. — Name us. — Todd… no. Turtleneck. Turtleneck bro… Flannel bro. — Lucky guess. Only ’cause we’re named after our shirts.
• Admit it, Motherface. You are our nation’s 40th president. — Damn it, Brent. How did you know?
• I’ll always be with you, Brent… inside your butt giving you powers.

Viewer Quotes:

• Drink every time you see Reagan or he is mentioned
• That’s a cat’s mantra: “I don’t know if you’ve ever… bopped anybody on the nose before, but, uh… it sure brings about a lot of closure.”
• You don’t put your hand in a hole!
• New drinking rule, anytime someone rips their shirt off.

Things we learned:

• You can lose your virginity to a bag of oranges?
• Ripping your shirt off, absolutely, does not solve anything
• Make sure the frat you join has real greek letters
• The only way to be successful in the paddleboat business is to make a deal with the devil to sacrifice your family. You can have one or the other, you can’t have both.

Final Take:

President Reagan was behind the whole thing.