Bad Movie Wednesday

Date watched: 2/24/20

Starring: Zach Galligan, Phoebe Cates, John Glover

Plot: The Gremlins are back, and this time, they’ve taken control of a New York City media mogul’s high-tech skyscraper.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• The Clamp Chinatown Centre, where business gets Oriented.
• Please be careful in stepping in and out and have a powerful day.
• People who watch TV at 3:30 a.m. Don’t fear the Wolfman. What scares them is getting sober and finding work.
• Sir? This is a Canadian dessert, chocolate moose. Can I cut you an antler? Literally a chocolate moose head
• Centre is experiencing illumination system difficulties. Please try not to notice.
• Elevator, stop. Sound alarm. …. [GREMLINS MIMICKING ALARM]
• The building is on fire. Leave the building. Enact the age-old drama of self-preservation.
• Can the Gremsters stand up to the Hulkster?
• Sir, what happened? — They fought back, that’s what happened…. Things… Stuff….
• None of us has been in New York before. We have to learn how to get tickets for shows. There’s street crime, but we can watch that for free.
• Could I get some help here? I’m trapped in adhesive polymer material…and I’m on deadline!
• What happened to him? — I don’t know. I guess they pushed him too far.

Viewer Quotes:

• Mr Clamps should give him the clamps
• That looks like Ellen DeGeneres when the face lit up
• “Splice o’ Life” is the name of the research department
• More cloning specialists in real life should be twins
• Every time I see this (particular) mogwai I think “Cocaine is a hell of a drug”
• Hey look, it’s /r/WallStreetBets
• Key & Peele – “Grimlins 2” Brainstorm

Things we learned:

• Expose them to bright lights, don’t get them wet, don’t feed them after midnight
• Don’t join corporate America
• Phoebe Cates had a terrible childhood
• If you want to find something weird, you have to go downtown
• I still will never buy a Ferbie because of these movies

Final Take:

Gremlins 2 is not a bad movie

Date watched: 2/17/20

Starring: Lauren Hutton, Jim Carrey, Karen Kopins

Plot: A vampire Countess needs to drink the blood of a virgin in order to keep her eternal beauty. It seems that all is hopeless, until she bumps into Mark Kendall.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Come on. I wouldn’t say nothing. Not if she got down on her knees and… pauses get’s hit by friends
• Are you a prostitute? — I’m whatever you want me to be. — Good, because I only have $5.
• Okay, Sebastian. Out of the closet. — Effeminate man exits the closet I came out of the closet centuries ago.
• We’ll be seeing each other again soon? — Yeah. I have a bit of a problem. — A problem? — Yeah. See, I’m sort of committed… to this really nice girl. — I don’t mind. I’ve often been the other woman. — That’s real unselfish of you. Tell you what, I’ll be in touch.
• Hands them ice cream Start your day off with a smile. — How sweet of you.
• On his friend’s T-shirt: “Freelance Gynecologist”
• I can’t believe you’ll throw away our relationship on a one-night stand… with a chauffeur and a butler and a slut who eats buttons.
• Father, forgive me, ’cause I think I might have sinned.
• I’m starting to freak out. You’re the only one I can turn to. What can I do? — Get yourself a shovel. You’re in deep shit.
• Who cares what those assholes think? What were they doing in the showers in the first place? — They were washing. We were enacting a prison rape scene.
• How would you like your crotch set on fire? — Ooo, Rough trade.
• Mark doesn’t want you, because you’re mean and evil. He wants me, because I’m nice and sweet and pure. So fuck off!
• Man smashes through door — Wait a minute! I have to replace every door you people smash. Can’t you at least try the knob first? — opens unlocked door
• I need a virgin! — Countess, don’t worry. There are other virgins out there. Somewhere, in places like Kansas… Nebraska.

Viewer Quotes:

• As someone that uses their phone in bed in the morning, I can get behind the TV in the coffin
• What an asshole pressuring his girlfriend…. Not going to lie, I’d do it in an ice cream trunk.
• “Do you have creamsicle?” — Haha, “creamsicle” — He’s going to give her his creamsicle 😏
• How about an angry hand job?
• Drink every time the title is said -> Once Bitten song plays: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0C3SV2ePGg
• To the girlfriend: Shantay, you stay — That was absolutely a lip-sync your life
• I sent Jim Carey a letter and he sent back a signed photo. The sad thing is I think I misplaced it. — I get that, I did the same with 100BTC — Yeah, it’s no signed photo of Jim Carry but I guess it’s the same 🤣
• She should have just hopped on while he was still strapped in
• They missed an opportunity to hide in the coffins

Things we learned:

• If you have sex, vampires won’t come for you
• Get stronger thread for your buttons
• If you get the opportunity, have sex in an ice cream truck
• Friends let friends look at their dicks, if you ask nicely
• To quote my mother: “sex is not a bad thing”

Final Take:

That was a bad title for the movie, it’s not once bitten, it’s thrice bitten. #DontJudgeAMovieByItsTitle

Date watched: 2/10/20

Starring: Kristen Riter, Matthew Goldsby, Jerry Belson

Plot: The seemingly tranquil waterways of Venice are terrorized by the perfect killing machine. In search of his father who has mysteriously disappeared diving in the city, David stumbles across the cryptic trail leading to the long-lost fortune of the Medici. As the unwitting pawn in a Mafia plot to recover the treasure, David’s girlfriend is kidnapped at gunpoint, plunging him into a desperate race against time. If he has any hope of saving her he must enter the deadly waters. Can David out-gun the Mafia assassins and survive the voracious sharks laying in wait beneath the surface, or will he succumb to the same fate as his father?  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• None…

Viewer Quotes:

• Quickly, think of an Italian name… Mario
• Italian hand emoji
• This seems like a budget Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey movie — K-mart blue light special
• It’s a well known that Marco Polo’s treasure is in Bulgaria (Original name of the movie was supposed to be Shark in Bulgaria) — No, no, Marco Polo’s treasure was the friends we made along the way
• So which one of these actors has the biggest tits? Because I think he’s winning
• (Multiple times throughout the movie): This is a different movie again (Oceans 11, Stand and Deliver, Indiana Jones, almost-“Deep Blue sea”, Mission Impossible, and ended with a ton of gunshots with very few people dying and the inflated boat surviving).
• Long conversation about a random topic tangentially related to the movie complete with drawings/discussion. I refuse to encourage this behavior so I won’t mention the topic.
• I think he may have violated the terms of his visa
• The dude with the hair got some sharks and put them in the water to keep people from diving, but then he needed something in Venice and a lot of people died diving for it, and then he died by his own sharks
• This reminds me of a bible verse: He who lives by the shark also dies by the shark

Things we learned:

• This movie was so bad they couldn’t even afford the SNL actors
• You can “go” anywhere with enough B-roll

Final Take:

Don’t go to Italy with a Baldwin

Date watched: 2/3/20

Starring: Kristen Riter, Matthew Goldsby, Jerry Belson

Plot: A serial killer with his signature heavy breathing proceeds to systematically kill the students and teachers of Lamab high school.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Listen, I forgot to give you the answers to that history question on the civil war. Now, just remember, the north won. — Oh, heavy.
• White text on the screen flashing “Unlocked” with an arrow pointed at the door
• Julie, you’re not responding to my maleness. She’s dead
• Where is that girl? — I hope she wasn’t murdered in our bed.
• Stop. How can you think of sex now? — I can never stop thinking about it. Funerals get me hot.
• Hey, man, that’s my parking space. Can’t you see I ‘m blind? — Hey, I’m more handicapped than you. I can’t even make love to a woman! — I can never find one! Now move it.
• Hey, that’s our parking spot. — Great physical beauty can be a handicap, too.
• Talking? During horse head bookends? Who was that? Sure, the girl. What have we here, Miss… “Shouldn’t be in the class anyway”?
• I have these saved up for the very first sign of wrinkles. — What is it, vitamin E? — Cyanide capsules. Death before disfigurement.
• Why do they always run away from me?
• Hasn’t there been enough senseless killing? Let’s have a murder that makes sense.
• Couldn’t you pick a better place? — I can’t help it. Hollow bulls get me hot.
• Ladies and gentlemen, in order to achieve an “R” rating today, a motion picture must contain full frontal nudity, graphic violence, or an explicit reference to the sex act. Since this film has none of those and since research has proven that “R”-rated films are by far the most popular with the movie-going public, the producers of this motion picture have asked me to take this opportunity to say fuck you.
• Instead of sending Toby directly to jail– — What? And let her pass go?
• The tissue gag – enough said
• Are you up for it? — I–I think so, Dr. Sigmund. — Please, don’t be so formal. Call me daddy.
• Today, we will discuss Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Who was Hamlet? — His dog. — His dog? — Wasn’t he a Great Dane?
• I still think the boys are being killed and then stuffed in the trash bags. — Not necessarily. It’s a well-known fact that if you put a male inside a 3-ply hefty bag, tightly tied at the top, they’ll suffocate in a matter of minutes. You can believe me. That’s how they were murdered.
• Come on, baby. Come on. — No. Al, let’s stop. It’s cold. All this garbage is falling. — The garbage gets me hot.
• Orders get me hot.
• Funerals get me hot.
• Hollow bulls get me hot.
• The garbage gets me hot.
• These horse heads make me hot.
• Boring gets me hot.
• No students leave the school grounds without filling out the proper forms. — But they’re dead. — If we make an exception for the dead, we have to make an exception for everyone!
• There’s an old Welsh saying “Dead men tell no tales, but they fart”
• What is all this? — It’s from the junior class play. They’re doing a nonmusical version of Grease. They couldn’t get the rights to the music.
• Mr. Peters! You’re naked! — Yes, Toby. All these years I’ve been secretly naked underneath my clothes.
• Hold still while I kill you. I’m an old woman with arthritis.

Viewer Quotes:

• Let me just take a shower in this other person’s house
• He hyperventilated and passed out — That’s one option… that’s the charitable option…
• Does this man not have a refractory period? — There is no refractory period for murder
• Drink whenever his shoe gets stuck in gum
• Has eggplant always been an euphemism for a dick?
• Drink, name of the movie
• So 1 fly is equal to 1/2 a human life?
• Is that a “Those that can. Do. Those that can’t. Teach” sign on the wall? Yes, yes it is
• “In 20 years, we only won one trophy. Ahh, the typing team really came through that year. — Typing team? — We retired the typewriter,” — (To person typing this blog): If you manage to get all the quotes from this movie you deserve to be head of the typing team
• It’s a very Airplane-eque type of movie
• Post-movie: I hate it when a podcast talking about a movie makes me watch it — Does podcast’s talking about it get you hot?

Things we learned:

• Sex kills
• Sex is bad?
• Sex is dirty and disgusting!
• Sex is yuck! — “Wait? Your father’s name is yuck”
• This deserves to be in the Bad Movie Night Hall of Fame

Final Take:

Watching that movie gets me hot