Bad Movie Wednesday

Date watched: 1/27/20

Starring: Burt Reynolds, Roger Moore, Farrah Fawcett

Plot: A wide variety of eccentric competitors participate in a wild and illegal cross-country road race. However, the eccentric entrants will do anything to win the road race, including low-down, dirty tricks.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Let me tell you something, Greek. We got a secret weapon. God is our copilot. — You’ll need him.
• Runs car into hotel Hey, you the one running this fleabag? — Huh-uh! — Where the hookers? — What? — Hookers, man. Where the hookers?
• Sprays unconscious man with soda water There. Don’t bother about the bill. Just give him a couple of enemas and call me in the morning.
• Do you mind if I have a cigarette? — Go ahead. They’re your lungs.
• What is this, anyway? — It’s a stakeout. — Oh. Bon appetit. — English humor.
• That’s the first time we took an order by phone.

Viewer Quotes:

• Have they not heard of spike strips? Just curious…
• She’s already got her “high-beams” on…
• OMG, I figured where I know them from, they (Burt Reynolds & Dom DeLuise) are Charlie and Itchy from All Dogs Go to Heaven
• Ok, NOW we are going to get a gang rape

Things we learned:

• Don’t ever tell me where you got the doctor
• Wear a 3/4 zip when you are going to be late for work

Final Take:

Despite all the shenanigans, the fastest car won

Date watched: 1/20/20

Starring: Robert Miano, Bai Ling, Lance Henriksen

Plot: On the last flight of a transatlantic passenger airliner, a priest, a rabbi and the airline crew team together to save a plane from a pandemic of demonic possessions.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• I’ll bet hell is a ton of fun. It’s probably where all the cool people go. I mean who really wants to go to heaven with a bunch of blue-haired bingo players, and boring guys like you. No offense, Father. — No, none taken.
• So why are you going to Vietnam? — Oh, vaginal rejuvenation. — Is that like a yoga retreat? — No silly, see? *Shows vagina* — Oh my God. — The doctor there’s the best in the world. Says he’s gonna make me tighter than a Chinese finger puzzle.
• He has Tourette Syndrome. — Oh, Tourette’s, my God. My bad. For a minute I thought he was possessed. — So did I, it happens.
• *Priest squeezes flight attendant’s arm* — Flight attendant: Quit that. But just not that tight.
• The power of Moses compels you.
• For the first time, the truth’s right.
• *Vagina shining with light.*  I want one like that.
• I know ancient Vietnamese witch doctor potion, for possession. — Well why didn’t you say so earlier? — No one asked.
• Jesus Christ. That’s hot. – Said the priest to the Rabbi
• You’re on my balls. — What? — You’re on my balls. — Oh I thought you said boils.

Viewer Quotes:

• Hey, I thought priests weren’t allowed to get married, why does he have a wedding ring on? — Married to god?
• “It’s over.” — Not really because you are going to go to jail for killing your family…
• I like that he’s making her the flight attendant’s problem
• Are they going to hit turbulence and the Ouija board going to summon a demon?
• There’s a colonial woman on the wing and she’s churning butter
• He *nose* what’s happening
• I have a prediction that Virginia’s holy vagina will be used at some point
• Ok, did they just find every condiment in the cafeteria and dump it on his head?
• Possessed dog! — I wanted it to get possessed!
• Somehow I managed to miss the shag carpet which is… delightful
• He wants to open her “carpet”
• Demons have limited jurisdiction, I don’t know if you know this but I’m a lawyer
• The nuns are having sex — Gotta keep warm…
• Are the nus still alive, last we saw they were having sex — Some say to this day they are still having sex…
• Thy rod and thy staff comforts me – that’s what she said

Things we learned:

• Don’t check your demon corpse, you want that as a carry on so you can exorcise it in the cabin
• Don’t go to Vietnam — Or if you do go to Vietnam fly a reputable airline

Final Take:

The thing referred to in the title is something that never actually occurred #MisleadingTitle

Date watched: 1/13/20

Starring: Zaria Kelley, Corinne Massiah, Elle Lorraine

Plot: In 1989 an ambitious young woman gets a weave in order to succeed in the image-obsessed world of music television. However, her flourishing career may come at a great cost when she realizes that her new hair may have a mind of its own..  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Y’all, this surfer from Venice got me so twisted. Mm. I don’t know. — You got a surfer colonizing your lands?
• Anna. Something bad has happened. -‐ Oh, I’m aware.
• Sheryl came in. All kind of job demands. Spelling out all of her strengths. If only timing was one of them.
• Let me check with my killer weave support group
• What were you doing upstairs? -‐ I thought motherfuckers was going up there to celebrate, so shit, I went, too. Shit, I was trying to blend in with these zombie bitches to keep ’em at bay.
• Virgie’s? Bitch, I ain’t got $500 to give her! Especially when La’Neka hook a sister up for $250!
• Look, I cannot die today, okay? I haven’t been to church in like, 15 years.
• [whispers]: Bitch, what is you doin’? I done seen all the Jason movies. You ain’t gotta check to see if she’s dead! Come on!

Viewer Quotes:

• The initial interview for the film happened in the PlayStation building…
• Ahh the carpets do match the drapes
• I feel like their hairs will kill each other and then Virgie will walk and in and say “I’ll find you some new bodies”
• It’s a hair-lander, there can only be one
• “[dry slithering]” — Well maybe she should have used conditioner
• Look, there is the killer weave support group right there!
• I have a prediction, he uses the lighter gun to set off the sprinklers
• It’s difficult to weave this story together — It’s a story about a girl finding her roots — Hey! Don’t split ends
• I don’t think that was the type of “black girl magic” she wanted tho.

Things we learned:

• Love yourself as you are
• Learn about your culture
• Appreciate your ancestors
• Don’t fuck with cursed hair
• But cursed hair might save you from a rapist or result in really rewarding revenge-sex

Final Take:

A hair-raising tale.

Date watched: 1/6/20

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Lisa Ciara, Johnny Hawkes

Plot: When ex-firefighter Scott Nylander and a group of ecologists approach a silo filled with oil to hang a banner with an eco-message, they suddenly realize they came to the wrong place at the wrong time. There’s a bomb attached which is going to explode in a few seconds. As the group finds shelter, a mass explosion causes a huge flaming tornado, which starts to destroy everything in its way. Scott and his team are accused of being terrorists that caused the explosion and must now stop the fire twister before it destroys LA.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• I live to hang up banners
• Don’t tell me how to do my job Throws blackberry smartphone on ground and shoots it
• Are we killing people today, or what? — Yes, we are.
• (Right after un-pausing the video) I was thinking of filling the water reserve of your pumper here with gasoline. — Holy Jesus.

Viewer Quotes:

• I don’t know guys, all I see is discount Will Farrell
• What we need to do is spray fire extinguishers into other tornadoes and have them fight — No, no, we just need to blow up the smart-fire-extinguisher-fluid silo down the street and that will create a competing tornado
• This baby is the best actor in the movie
• OMG they misspelled “speaks” (shown as “Speakes”)
• Oh no! Mariska Hargitay, you can’t die!
• Why doesn’t she carry the phone herself? Why was the guy the phone sherpa? Oh! They probably don’t put pockets on women’s utility belts
• How does a firefighter have access to “Military grade C4”???
• The kinks in the fire hose tube are hilarious — Hey! Don’t kink shame!

Things we learned:

• Don’t make a German film in English?
• Don’t kink shame!
• Turns out you CAN fight fire with fire

Final Take:

If you are a fireman you can get away with practically anything (See: Age of Dinosaurs)