Date watched: 12/2/20
Starring: Yang Miller, Ron Lynch, Tom Lyons
Plot: On a snowy Christmas Eve, former mild-mannered college student Casey Smallwood is released from prison after serving 10 years for underage drinking. Eager to get out of town, he hops on the express train to Washington, D.C., but after the holiday express takes off, it’s hijacked by an angry gang of domestic terrorists and highly-Intelligent, government trained raccoons. Not one to back down from a raccoon fight, Casey joins forces with a porter on the train to fight the terrorists. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
- Yeah, you know that was something Ranger Rick Danger used to say. He was a boozehound park ranger
- Hey, what’s with the cross? — Oh, I’m a Christian now! Isn’t that great? I went to conversion therapy. The only thing I’m gay for now is Jesus, and he’s the reason for the season, am I right?
- Wait, the mayor? That dick who put me in jail for ten years for underage drinking? He put Al Jazeera in Guantanamo! We don’t even know if Al’s alive.
- Looks like I’ve bitten off more than I can choo-choo.
- I just got out of prison and I’d be happy to eat anything. It just can’t have nuts. — Yeah, sure! If I just got out of prison, I’d be sick of eating nuts, too!
- As any good scientist knows, if no one sees a dead body, then no one knows if that body is dead for real.
- Looks like we got too many cooks in the kitchen.
- With all the satellite’s operating data stored on this VHS tape, no one can hack into our system. Unless they’ve got two VCRs, which is pretty fucking rare.
- I’m sick and tired of these motherfucking coons on this motherfucking train! — You mean raccoons, right? — Of course! What else would I mean?
- Uh, pay phone? You know we could just try to get my smart phone. I mean, they took everything else, but mine’s in my bag in the passenger car. — I’m sorry, a what phone? — A smart phone? I mean, it’s one of the most important pieces of technology in the last ten years? Oh, right. You’ve been in jail the last ten years.
- How’s your arm strength? — Pretty good. I did just get out of the pen. — Oh, yeah? You been, uh, jerking it? — I was gonna say doing a lot of pull ups, but yeah. I was jerking it quite a bit. — Well, man, let’s pull and jerk our way to victory, baby!
- That’s it, warrior! Harness that prison jerkin power, baby.
- Where are all the passengers? — They must be on the passenger car.
- Presumptions are the father of all boo-boos.
- Pippy! Go get Kent State on that hippie!
- Coon-bye-yah, motherfucker!
- Yes, God bless us, everyone.
- “Raccoon city bitch, rac, raccoon city bitch”
Viewer Quotes:
- Are we going to be drinking every time they use a line from another movie?
- Are we going to have follow the “drink every time they reuse a shot?” rule.
- She is a discount Maggie Gyllenhaal
- I think that wig is actually going to turn out to be a raccoon
- They really called the democratic primary and the election wrong with their president choice
Things we learned:
- As any good scientist knows, if no one sees a dead body, then no one knows if that body is dead for real.
Final Take:
Always make sure you see the body and that they are dead, for real!