Date watched: 11/25/20
Starring: Collin Dean, Aiden Tetro, Nathan Bonk
Plot: When he finds a shark that can travel on land residing in his home, an ex-cop enlists the help of a grizzled former real estate agent, and an eccentric “house shark” expert to kill the beast. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
- Will you be late?
Yes, I’ll be home by 10. Well, it has been a awhile. Maybe, 10:15? - He can’t live in the backyard. Winter is coming.
- What, that there’s some sort of monster in there? The police searched the place, it’s empty. There’s no monster, there never was. Just a freak plumbing accident.
*slobbery, snotty crying* There is a monster. I saw it. And it’s still in there, I can feel it. It’s looking at me. Undressing me with it’s eyes. Violating my every orifice with it’s sick, twisted, perverted mind. It’s gotta penis, but tits, too. Like some sort of shemale. And it tricks you, and makes you think it’s a woman. Until you’re at home alone with it, all naked and horned up, and you think, ‘Hey! Why let my first real boner in months go to waste?’. Believe me. It’s still in there. Just waiting. For the chance to kill again.
- He never said that!
Well I’m sure he thought it! - We’re going to sell this house.
Like balls you are! - Stop! I don’t want anyone catching us with your fingers up my butt.
- I didn’t think they had any kids!
They don’t. They were going to adopt me. I heard there was a shark attack in this house, and you did nothing. Now it’s back to the high-kill adoption shelter for me. - Lights are fixed, sir.
- So you’ve seen Jaws, eh?
Ja, zat movie really fucked my nut up - What’s that attached to his finger? It looks like an anus!
A vanus?!
I think so.
Is it his?
I don’t think so.
(Frank sniffing) It smells like flower and honey
Why would an anus be on his finger? Ze plot thickens! - “It’s like dealing with the mafia”
Abe Lincoln-”Believe me, i know”
“Dropping death charges onPosidon”
“Dropping the kids off at the pool” - “Goodnight, my sauerkraut prince”.
- Zhat was no house shark.
- Toilet grizzly
- Sink piranha
- Maybe even a couch gator, that’s wandered away from it’s herd
- We’re not hunting hairbrush barracudas
- Or plunger orcas
- Who in the sam hill drew a penis on me?!
- (Abraham mumbling gibberish)
- It’s a female house shark costume.
It looks like a regular shark costume to me.
What? You don’t see ze apron? - There was blood, guts, balls! Vaginas. Human insides! Half digested clam chowdah, if you know what I mean…
- We’re going to need a bigger house!
- I am not letting a house shark have sex with me!
Just let him put the tip in! - I wanted to give myself spider-man superpowers.
You’re right, that is crazier. - Hey, who the hell are you?!
I didn’t think anyone was living here? (in another language)
Damn squatters! - Forget that commie, nazi bastard. He’s on his own!
- Looks like someone’s back, for the old noon-time flipper fin!
- Warning. Do not install fuse upside down. Tank will explode. Seriously, don’t be a dick. Improper installation of this very realistic fuse may indeed cause an explosion. See there’s wires sticking out of the box here and don’t know what they are hooked up to or where they go.
- There’s a problem!
What?
I’m sober! - I haven’t been sober in 27 years!
- We’re gonna need a bigger bucket!
- Turn around Frank!
Wait, why?
I can’t drop an organic depth charge while you’re watching!
Can I touch your face?
No!
Please! It helps me let my people go!
No!
My hands are clean!
I doubt that! - Smile you son of a biscuit!
Viewer Quotes:
- One of these people is supposed to be the father of the other? They’re both like 12.
- Yeah, he’s categorized as “actor and sound department”
- Must not be that bad. He has toilet paper.
- It’s an abandoned goldfish that got into some testosterone.
- Lemme stick this in my asshole real quick…
- Saddest caption ever. He goes in for the kiss, then, “(heels clicking on the floor)”.
- A. B. C. Always be chompin’.
- “Darth Squanto”
- It’s a man in lederhosen. Certainly. Which president is he?
- Drinking game for this movie: Drink every time a new president’s name is revealed
- Zachary Taylor’s accent is a new Rule for King’s Cup
- Sounded like a meow?
- The shark was jumping all nimbly-bimbly from treebranch to treebranch.
Things we learned:
- If he’d burned the house down in the first place, Abe Lincoln would still be alive
- He did get impregnated by the shark
Final Take:
Don’t hang out with the presidents