Plot: Holly returns to her hometown to make an Xmas special with a cameraman before promotion to TV anchorwoman. She’ll have to face Satan Claus and horrible childhood memories of him. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
I can be cordial. Like how is your hot cousin? — Oh, you mean my cousin Chris Pringle.
I lost 162 pounds this past winter. — Jesus. — Well I definitely prayed to him
Oh, and by the way, your earring is super lame. Where did you get it? Hot Topic?
I’m Sheriff Wreath. This is Deputy Wreath. — You guys don’t happen to be related to Joy, do you? — Why, ’cause we’re the only black people in town? — Because your last name’s are both Wreath.
Do you hear that? — My heart beating like a little drummer boy?
The only person that you love is your drunk, demented, depraved big city
How the frankincense am I supposed to relax right now? — Well, you used to be a competitive snowman builder, right? — Okay yeah, that’s not a thing. — Tell that to my coach. I medaled at the world snowman championship in Finland. Twice.
Okay, boys, boys boys boys. There’s no need to fight. Why don’t we head back to my sister’s place and have a little four person dance party in my childhood bedroom? — Wait, I don’t remember the floor in your room being that big, Hol.
Viewer Quotes:
That’s some pregnancy discrimination right there, god damn it…
So her handwriting is still the same as a child? — Thank you, I was going to say the same thing, get out of my head
“Fuck me while I still have this mustache on” – Candace, probably
“A monster took the Mayor!” — She didn’t go to her police brother?
There are a lot of people making snap decisions at the end of this…
Things we learned:
Those vaping teens shakes fist in air
Drink whenever vaping teens are mentioned, the “big city”, when she drinks alcohol, or when the music swells for a romantic interest
Plot: An evil yet adorable Gingerbread man comes to life with the soul of a convicted killer – this real life cookie monster wreaks havoc on the girl who sent the killer to the electric chair. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
Well, wherever you are up there, I hope they have strippers
Well it sure ain’t the Pillsbury fucking Doughboy.
Ever try a lady finger? (While cutting off a ladies finger)
Shit. Shit. — You already said that.
Viewer Quotes:
I bet he’s like “I could split your sourdough”… what? Did I get a rise out of you?
Why are they going out of business? They obviously have a lot of dough
Would you say thing are about to go a-rye?
Why isn’t she turning off the oven, he doesn’t know how her oven works — He wants to know how her oven works 😏
How many shots does this gun have? — 17, I WAS COUNTING
She wants his baguette 😏
He wants to pump-HER-nickel
Things we learned:
That’s not how you make gingerbread
Don’t put human remains in the batter
The health inspector needs to visit much more frequently
Plot: On a snowy Christmas Eve, former mild-mannered college student Casey Smallwood is released from prison after serving 10 years for underage drinking. Eager to get out of town, he hops on the express train to Washington, D.C., but after the holiday express takes off, it’s hijacked by an angry gang of domestic terrorists and highly-Intelligent, government trained raccoons. Not one to back down from a raccoon fight, Casey joins forces with a porter on the train to fight the terrorists. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
Yeah, you know that was something Ranger Rick Danger used to say. He was a boozehound park ranger
Hey, what’s with the cross? — Oh, I’m a Christian now! Isn’t that great? I went to conversion therapy. The only thing I’m gay for now is Jesus, and he’s the reason for the season, am I right?
Wait, the mayor? That dick who put me in jail for ten years for underage drinking? He put Al Jazeera in Guantanamo! We don’t even know if Al’s alive.
Looks like I’ve bitten off more than I can choo-choo.
I just got out of prison and I’d be happy to eat anything. It just can’t have nuts. — Yeah, sure! If I just got out of prison, I’d be sick of eating nuts, too!
As any good scientist knows, if no one sees a dead body, then no one knows if that body is dead for real.
With all the satellite’s operating data stored on this VHS tape, no one can hack into our system. Unless they’ve got two VCRs, which is pretty fucking rare.
I’m sick and tired of these motherfucking coons on this motherfucking train! — You mean raccoons, right? — Of course! What else would I mean?
Uh, pay phone? You know we could just try to get my smart phone. I mean, they took everything else, but mine’s in my bag in the passenger car. — I’m sorry, a what phone? — A smart phone? I mean, it’s one of the most important pieces of technology in the last ten years? Oh, right. You’ve been in jail the last ten years.
How’s your arm strength? — Pretty good. I did just get out of the pen. — Oh, yeah? You been, uh, jerking it? — I was gonna say doing a lot of pull ups, but yeah. I was jerking it quite a bit. — Well, man, let’s pull and jerk our way to victory, baby!
That’s it, warrior! Harness that prison jerkin power, baby.
Where are all the passengers? — They must be on the passenger car.
Presumptions are the father of all boo-boos.
Pippy! Go get Kent State on that hippie!
Coon-bye-yah, motherfucker!
Yes, God bless us, everyone.
“Raccoon city bitch, rac, raccoon city bitch”
Viewer Quotes:
Are we going to be drinking every time they use a line from another movie?
Are we going to have follow the “drink every time they reuse a shot?” rule.
She is a discount Maggie Gyllenhaal
I think that wig is actually going to turn out to be a raccoon
Plot: When he finds a shark that can travel on land residing in his home, an ex-cop enlists the help of a grizzled former real estate agent, and an eccentric “house shark” expert to kill the beast. (From IMDB)
Quotes:
Will you be late? Yes, I’ll be home by 10. Well, it has been a awhile. Maybe, 10:15?
He can’t live in the backyard. Winter is coming.
What, that there’s some sort of monster in there? The police searched the place, it’s empty. There’s no monster, there never was. Just a freak plumbing accident.
*slobbery, snotty crying* There is a monster. I saw it. And it’s still in there, I can feel it. It’s looking at me. Undressing me with it’s eyes. Violating my every orifice with it’s sick, twisted, perverted mind. It’s gotta penis, but tits, too. Like some sort of shemale. And it tricks you, and makes you think it’s a woman. Until you’re at home alone with it, all naked and horned up, and you think, ‘Hey! Why let my first real boner in months go to waste?’. Believe me. It’s still in there. Just waiting. For the chance to kill again.
He never said that! Well I’m sure he thought it!
We’re going to sell this house. Like balls you are!
Stop! I don’t want anyone catching us with your fingers up my butt.
I didn’t think they had any kids! They don’t. They were going to adopt me. I heard there was a shark attack in this house, and you did nothing. Now it’s back to the high-kill adoption shelter for me.
Lights are fixed, sir.
So you’ve seen Jaws, eh? Ja, zat movie really fucked my nut up
What’s that attached to his finger? It looks like an anus! A vanus?! I think so. Is it his? I don’t think so. (Frank sniffing) It smells like flower and honey Why would an anus be on his finger? Ze plot thickens!
“It’s like dealing with the mafia” Abe Lincoln-”Believe me, i know”
“Dropping death charges onPosidon” “Dropping the kids off at the pool”
“Goodnight, my sauerkraut prince”.
Zhat was no house shark.
Toilet grizzly
Sink piranha
Maybe even a couch gator, that’s wandered away from it’s herd
We’re not hunting hairbrush barracudas
Or plunger orcas
Who in the sam hill drew a penis on me?!
(Abraham mumbling gibberish)
It’s a female house shark costume. It looks like a regular shark costume to me. What? You don’t see ze apron?
There was blood, guts, balls! Vaginas. Human insides! Half digested clam chowdah, if you know what I mean…
We’re going to need a bigger house!
I am not letting a house shark have sex with me! Just let him put the tip in!
I wanted to give myself spider-man superpowers. You’re right, that is crazier.
Hey, who the hell are you?! I didn’t think anyone was living here? (in another language) Damn squatters!
Forget that commie, nazi bastard. He’s on his own!
Looks like someone’s back, for the old noon-time flipper fin!
Warning. Do not install fuse upside down. Tank will explode. Seriously, don’t be a dick. Improper installation of this very realistic fuse may indeed cause an explosion. See there’s wires sticking out of the box here and don’t know what they are hooked up to or where they go.
There’s a problem! What? I’m sober!
I haven’t been sober in 27 years!
We’re gonna need a bigger bucket!
Turn around Frank! Wait, why? I can’t drop an organic depth charge while you’re watching! Can I touch your face? No! Please! It helps me let my people go! No! My hands are clean! I doubt that!
Smile you son of a biscuit!
Viewer Quotes:
One of these people is supposed to be the father of the other? They’re both like 12.
Yeah, he’s categorized as “actor and sound department”
Must not be that bad. He has toilet paper.
It’s an abandoned goldfish that got into some testosterone.
Lemme stick this in my asshole real quick…
Saddest caption ever. He goes in for the kiss, then, “(heels clicking on the floor)”.
A. B. C. Always be chompin’.
“Darth Squanto”
It’s a man in lederhosen. Certainly. Which president is he?
Drinking game for this movie: Drink every time a new president’s name is revealed
Zachary Taylor’s accent is a new Rule for King’s Cup
Sounded like a meow?
The shark was jumping all nimbly-bimbly from treebranch to treebranch.
Things we learned:
If he’d burned the house down in the first place, Abe Lincoln would still be alive
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