Bad Movie Wednesday

Date watched: 11/18/20

Starring: Justin Ray, Kassandra Voyagis, Michael Swan

Plot: A chemical accident turns ordinary donuts into blood thirsty killers. Now it’s up to Johnny, Michelle and Howard to save their sleepy town from…Killer Donuts.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Besides, I’m crazy about you babe. You’re the clam in my chowder. — Oh, you’re so romantic.
• Check his vital signs. See if he has a pulse. Maybe he needs CPR. — Dude, you check for vitals. — Fine. (kicks body) No. He’s dead.
• There’s ten murderers in there? — We need to call for backup. — There’s no time for that! There’s ten murderers in there!

Viewer Quotes:

• I bet the actress that plays his mom is younger than he is (It looks like she is, he was born in the 1990 and she was born in “the mid-90’s“)
• Mom can we get Jack Black? No we have Jack Black at home.
• She turned it on but she couldn’t seem to turn him on, ahhh life’s conundrums
• I don’t know about the CGI donuts, they all have glazed expressions…
• “He comes in my house, even if I am not there.” — She has a soft spot for him, and he has a hard spot for her — He cream-fills her donut
• I wanted to make a stick shift joke but I just couldn’t come up with one — you couldn’t get your mind in gear?
• Ugh… He’s using his donut hole
• I want the job where you get to throw donuts at a person at a car
• It’s premature to call shotgun until you are in sight of the car
• Calling it, at the end a donut is going to fly up at the screen — Actually they are going to go downstairs and his best friend will be sitting at the table

Things we learned:

• When you have something trying to attack your face, don’t hold it in front of you face
• “We love eating them, now it’s their turn” (movie tagline)
• When Do-Nut, Go-nuts, For yo’-Nut

Final Take:

You’re going to get dia-bite-es and cheat day is not worth day.

Date watched: 11/11/20

Starring: James Lorinz, Joanne Ritchie, Patty Mullen

Plot: A medical student sets out to recreate his decapitated fiancée by building her a new body made of Manhattan street prostitutes.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Honey-pie, can’t you picture yourself in this body? Kneeling on Ma’s couch in the basement.
• Oh no, not the devil’s music.
• Please, there are programs you can check into.
• Stop that. That’s not natural. <2 women kissing> Wait a minute. For cryin’ out loud. You’re like cats with catnip. Just stop that. Your body wasn’t meant to do that!
• Song lyrics from “The devils music”: Safe sex is for wimps, Anyone can drive sober…, Always carry a gun, Russian-rouletters never grow old, Never say no, Play this song backwards
• Fucking exploded. One minute, they are my bitches. The next they are pieces all over!
• Ohh Pavelarna Drake! Mother of Harlots. And abomned nations of the earth. Are we sure unto thee, the judgment of the Grey whore, the woman arrayed in purple and Scarlett. Things of the earth has committed fornications. And lived illiciously with her. They shall whale and lament when they see the smoke of her burning. — So, you’ve seen her? — She’s in the Bar!
• Who the fuck are you? How come you know about me and Jersey Boy? This aint your tattoo. This aint your arm! Where’d you get this arm? This is one of my bitches arm!
• But I feel so strange. As if there were so many different women inside of me.

Viewer Quotes:

• How are the fish not eating all that brain food?
• “My reasoning is all twisted and distorted, you know? I seem to be disassociating myself from reality. More and more. Each day. I’m anti-social. I’m becoming dangerously amoral. I’ve lost the ability to distinguish between right from wrong. Good from bad. I’m scared Ma. I mean..I feel like sometimes I’m.. I’m plunging headfirst into some kind of black void of sheer utter madness, or something.” — Oh, so quarantine
• Is that your spark plug or are you just happy to see me?
• Would you say he was giving himself… head? <Referring to the trepanning scene>
• <Hookers suddenly explode> — *Chef’s kiss*
• <Main character hoists leg with fishnet stocking over shoulder>He’s got that one for the leg-lamp that he is going to create
• That’s a pile of boobs — Fruit platter <Boobs = Fruit, BTW>
• 5 second rule!
• I’m very excited for the Chekhov’s refrigerator — Yeah, James is calling for Cronenbergs
• Huh… The way she is walking she must have had a good time
• It’s like silicon valley, I set up a hooker incubator in my garage
• I thought that was Danny DeVito — So this guy is clearly trying to be dollar store Danny DeVito
• THE DOOR IS 69 — Nice
• Guys don’t worry, he’s just tucking in his shirt
• Talk about premature….
• Sean Connery is in this? WTF!
• We fucked it up Morty, we cronenberged the entire planet

Things we learned:

• Super crack kills
• If you are going to cut off someone’s head don’t go just for the neck, go for a touch of clavicle
• It didn’t age well
• This came out BEFORE Jeffrey Dahmer was caught, this movie took 12 years to make, the first Jeffrey Dahmer killing we know about was in June 1978… Make of that what you will.
• Written another way this movie overlapped with Jeffrey Dahmer’s killings, the main character is named Jeffery, he looks like Dahmer, he wears similar glasses…

Final Take:

This is a terrifying tale of sluts and bolts.

Date watched: 11/4/20

Starring: Alexander Mendeluk, Kate Nauta, Benjamin Easterday

Plot: Avalanche Sharks tells the story of a bikini contest that turns into a horrifying affair when it is hit by a shark avalanche.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Get your military ass in here, I’ve been taking care of myself for 2 years, it’s your turn to do all the work.
• It’s all clearly spelled out in the travel itinerary
• It’s sexual tree time
• Love is the answer, I know that I’m not afraid anymore, I love you guys, and I love Barb, I love you, I love Barb, I love my life, I love Barb, I love my parents, I love my job, and I’m not going to smoke dope anymore, because it’s love, love is the answer, it’s all about <leg get’s bitten> LOVE!
• Are you crazy? — No, I am not. I’m a marine. Now let me think.
• I want to live in a warm place without snow. In Florida, no, not Florida… Not by the sea. I hear they have sand sharks.
• I eat pieces of fish like you for breakfast!

Viewer Quotes:

• Checking DidTheDogDie and we are not looking forward to the “Small furry stillness” — Ok someone read the comments on the wrong movie, nvm — <later during lobster cooking scene> “Small shelly stillness”
• Ross, no! — With a name like Ross is it really a loss? — Um I think that was the goggles brand — Nvm, his name WAS Ross
• We aren’t rooting for anything in this film right? — No, no, no, except maybe that crazy guy
• Did KIND bar pay for that or did they fail to pay to not be in it?
• We weren’t sure if if they said “sexual treat time” or “sexual tree time”, we voted and decided on tree. #WetAshPussy “I want to wal-nut all over you”, “I pine for you”, “I want to do you in the knot-hole”, “That’s a nice piece of ash”
• Sarah (name replaced), you would tell me if you were searching for a shark right?
• We actually have a traveling baseball team named the Bluegrass Sharks — I’ve been looking for them for 25 years!
• You were just talking about loving her and now you are comparing her to a sloppy joe? <five seconds later> “I should have told her I love her!”
• He wrote his name on everything — Later we are going a scrap of his boxers and it will have ROSS written in block letters
• Quote yourself! — Is that the new “Treat yo self”? — Quote yo self
• SHOOOOTT HERRRRR
• He is here for exclusively expositional purposes, he’s there to be bad with women and provide expositional services
• Is this the “soft furry stillness”?

Things we learned:

• Don’t go skiing on spring break with a bunch of idiots
• Always take a Japanese foreigner with you to pull you out of a mystic rut on a mountain
• Police apparently keep a child’s drawing of their parent’s murder for 25 years.

Final Take:

Security of weapons in the sheriff’s chateau was rather loosey-goosey and why wasn’t this called “Snow Sharks”?