Bad Movie Wednesday

Date watched: 10/28/20

Starring: Jackie Cruz, Michael Gross, Jon Heder

Plot: Graboids are illegally taken to a new island resort by a rich playboy as a dangerous form of trophy hunting, and Burt Gummer steps up to save the day.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Okay, I’m gonna start leading by example and run. I suggest you do the same!
• Travis is in a Mexican jail. Don’t ask. Long story.
• Before you begin your Graboid-slaying quest, do yourself a favor and get something bigger than that 308. That’s like spitting at Godzilla.
• Well, why didn’t he come after you? You’re obviously the alpha. — She’s culling the weakest from the herd first. — Oh, crap. That means I’m next.
• The underbelly is what you want. Legs, feet, groin, all the soft stuff. — Go for the groin. Got it. Let’s go medieval on these ugly slime bags. — I thought we were going Rambo. — Oh, uh… You go Rambo. I’ve got the chainsaw. I’m going Evil Dead.
• Who needs guns when you got Pennsylvania steel?
• Destiny’s a bitch.
• We draw her to the edge of the cliff and over. — And then we lunge out of the way at the last second? — Something like that.
• “Vaya con diablo, mija.” ~~ “Go with the devil my daughter”

Viewer Quotes:

• Parkour!
• Clever Girl (x2, at the same time)
• “You see this whiskey? It’s a 50-year-old Balvenie. It costs 50 grand a bottle. […] — To me, it’s just whiskey.” — Now I ain’t never hit a lady….
• I mean if you’re going to shit yourself at least you are already in a bathroom
• Muzzle discipline is non-existent on Shrieker Island
• Why did they bring ballistas when they have all the guns in the world? I mean why? And they know they’re underground?
• Get that bitch some tea and dynamite, bitches love tea and dynamite
• Also I’m never choosing the chainsaw over a flamethrower, one of them is ranged… — We were just saying the same thing

Things we learned:

• This was a surprisingly good movie.
• Stop copying the jurassic park cookie-cutter “we are going to bring back dinosaurs but make them more dangerous”
• Jurassic park must have stolen some things from Tremors (’93 vs ’90)
• The original ones had more “real” graphics while later ones went with more CGI

Final Take:

Burt Gummer isn’t dead until I see the body — I need the long-form death certificate…

Date watched: 10/14/20

Starring: Steve Sooy, Anthony M. Carr, Ken Davis

Plot: A barrel of radioactive waste is lost out in the woods. Some demented rednecks find it and use it as part of their still. Everybody who drinks the liquor they produced turns into zombies.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Shit on a toadstool.
• Well, OK, but if you ever mess around our still again, Ferd Mertz, you’re going to be picking buckshot from where the sun don’t shine. — You mean Antarctica?
• But it… it’s like my daddy used to say to me before he got run over by that tractor. Sometimes life sucks.
• Hey, that’s bigger than Lisa’s dildo. — LISA: Yeah and five times the size of your dick.
• I like knockers. — Yeah, I like knockers, too.
• Did you treat this weed? — Only with respect, baby.
• It’s dries them fast and keeps them dry.

Viewer Quotes:

• Drink every time they say “Fort Dicker”
• Looks like it had about the same budget at Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter — Are we filming at a community college? — It does feel like a film project
• I know we look for titties but I don’t want to see his titties (from a Female viewer)
• They did the monster mash
• Ellie May had the most characterization, she didn’t have much but she had “anything”

Things we learned:

• That was horrible, even by bad movie standards
• Don’t drink the green moonshine
• Birth control is important during a zombie apocalypse
• If you drink enough you might just survive

Final Take:

Why?

Date watched: 10/7/20

Starring:  Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper

Plot: Two Brooklyn plumbers, Mario and Luigi, must travel to another dimension to rescue a princess from the evil dictator King Koopa and stop him from taking over the world.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Strap your bone on, kid. We’re goin’ in.
• Oh-for-five, Oh-for-five. — What percent is that? — I don’t know. Let me think. — I don’t know, but it’s not good.
• I’m getting arrested for being a plumber.
• Alien species escaping from police detention… — Aliens? We gotta deal with aliens too? — Luigi, we’re the aliens! — We are? Whoa! Cool!
• And you know what they say about little girls, don’t you? — No. — Mm? They say… they never forget the first time they’re kissed by a lizard.
• Was she corpulent? Very corpulent? — No, she was just really round.
• Dance with me. I’ll hit you all you like.
• I’d like the Koopa Special. — Pterodactyl tail on that? — Yes. Dino, lizard, hold the mammal, no worms, and…spicy.
• These pipes haven’t been serviced for years. — Must’ve been a non-union job.
• We gotta do something. We tripped the alarm. What do you think I am? Stupid? — Yes. How we gonna get up? Huh?
• Can’t you get somebody to fix the heating? — How can they let us suffer like this? What are they? Cold-blooded? — Yes, moron. They’re reptiles. — Well, just because they’re reptiles…
• Hey! You must be the missing girls from Brooklyn. — Except Angelica, she’s from Queens, but she’s all right.

Viewer Quotes:

• “Scapelli’s been trying to force us out ever since we got here. It’s sabotage” — Listen all y’all, it’s a sabotage
• “I got a feeling.” – That tonight’s going to be a good night
• I like how they had that news report about the other dimensions at the start — Chekhov’s television program?
• “Where are we? — I don’t know. Maybe we got knocked unconscious for 100 years and woke up in Manhattan of the future.” — That’s a good first guess…
• “Good. Now, where’s the rock? — Rock, sir?” — So don’t let him leave the room without us
• “You must be the great Koopa. — That I am. Ruler of all that you see. A few miserable streets and endless desert.” — Ahh, so like how NY sees the rest of the world
• She looks like Marv from Home Alone 2

Things we learned:

• The lizard people really are in charge… just in another dimension
• Are the Goombas the Proud Boys?

Final Take:

That movie was a pipe dream…

Date watched: 9/30/20

Starring: Emilio Estevez, Pat Hingle, Laura Harrington 

Plot: A group of people try to survive when machines start to come alive and become homicidal.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• I think I just loaded my pants
• That’s what I was doing before every machine went into Maximum Overdrive (Drink!)
• I’ll tell you one thing. — What’s that? — You sure make love like a hero.
• I like spoons
• They can’t! We made them! You can’t! We made you! Do you hear? Where’s your sense of loyalty? You things! We made you! We made you! Made you! We made you!
• You boys are just as crazy as a couple of rats in a plugged-up shithouse!

Viewer Quotes:

• And the worst part is it was after Labor day and that man was wearing all white
• You know vending machines kill more people on average than sharks
• Fuck I could watch kids getting hit with soda cans all day
• <Asshole Bible salesman gets hit by truck> — Aww… That looked almost survivable…
• I like the Jesus jukebox
• Curtis will do anything to get away from you Connie
• “How many people do you think peed in this? *guy gets water splashed in his face* How did it taste?” — Listen we already knew he was into water sports…
• Poor Deke… first he gets named Deke… then his dad dies…
• <building blows up> Oh no! I forgot to clock out! — I guess he is getting… Maximum Overtime
• I shot the LAW and the… trucks won

Things we learned:

• “I hope /they/ get run over by a truck”
• Stephen King was super hopped up on cocaine when he made this (no really, true story)
• The lawnmower scene went wrong, shot a splinter into the photography director’s eye causing him to lose it, he successfully sued Stephen King for $18M

Final Take:

We didn’t get to this…