24
Sep
20

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

Date watched: 9/23/20

Starring: Phil CaracasMurielle VarhelyiMaria Moulton

Plot: Kung-Fu Action / Comedy / Horror / Musical about the second coming.  (From IMDB)

Quotes:

  • Where have all our lesbians gone?
  • You don’t know us because we haven’t met before
  • If I’m not back in 5 minutes call the pope
  • Hey buddy, you are all up in the kool-aid and you don’t even know the flavor

Viewer Quotes:

  • <Guy with mohawk puts on motorcycle helmet and it’s got a slot in the top so his mohawk can stick through> Ok so I knew it was going to happen but…. — But it’s still amazing to see
  • Are they lesbian vampires? Or are they vampires who only eat lesbians? — You are what you eat…
  • There are no atheists in foxholes because they are all in this jeep
  • I’m getting a team rocket vibe from the atheists
  • Who the fuck takes a laptop into a steam room — Someone who shows up at the IT desk and says “I don’t know why it’s not working”
  • You know I heard Jesus drove a Honda… but he didn’t like to speak about it… “For I do not speak of my own Accord” — That would be funny if we didn’t all already know that joke
  • He’s having a stroke! Someone save him!
  • Huh… He almost laughed as long as that woman screamed
  • It must be a Budweiser so he can bless the water
  • You’ve got to be kidney-ing me…

Things we learned:

  • Jesus is an ass-man
  • If you are going to steal skin make it a lesbian’s?
  • Nostalgia’s a hell of a drug
  • You can fit 50 atheists in a car

Final Take:

Keep some mirrors around so you can tell who the vampires, Jesus is really bad at scat, and Canada has some latent lesbian problems they need to deal with.