Bad Movie Wednesday

Date watched: 7/29/20

Starring: John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison

Plot: Sir Ringo Starr finds himself the human sacrifice target of a cult, and his fellow members of The Beatles must try to protect him from it. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Flee! — Will you explain everything when the opportunity presents itself?
• The fire brigade once got my head out of some railings. – Did you want them to? – No. I left it there when not at school. You can see a lot of the world from railings.
• There might be some insurance. — I wouldn’t think of such a thing! … Find out.
• I don’t understand a word. I don’t speak the language. Latin, yes. But this Eastern babble, no.
• There’s a strong case for arming the police. We’re not all masochists.
• *Equal to exactly one one hundredth of all the explosives exploded during WWII*
• You haven’t used that finger in the past hour and we’re in danger. Me and Paul haven’t seen you use of that finger, have we? – No
• It’s Raja, the famous Bengal man-eater who escaped from the zoo this morning. – So it is! – Don’t worry, he’s harmless. All you have to do is sing Beethoven’s Ode to Joy from the 9th symphony.
• After them! … Slowly
• Get sacrificed! I don’t subscribe to your religion!

Viewer Quotes:

• *Blank stares* *Stunned silence* *General agreement that we need drugs to watch this movie*
• Is this supposed to be Flowers for Algernon reference? – Sort of
• 🎵 Come to my window 🎵

Things we learned:

• Across the Universe is the only Beatles-themed movie worth watching that has artistic merit

Final Take:

If you have access to drugs you might want to take them prior to watching this. It’s something else…

Date watched: 7/22/20

Starring:  Ben Johnson, Jamie Lee Curtis, Hart Bochner

Plot: Three years after a prank that went terribly awry, the six college students responsible are targeted by a masked killer at a New Year’s Eve party aboard a moving train. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• *Screaming, slowed down*
• We ain’t Amtrak, we’re just an old fashioned excursion train
• I’ll be on the cover of Time in the cab — I will be on a Concorde and you will be on welfare.
• *Guy performs a magic trick* — *guy in background* Smart Aleck
• I never saw anybody so dead like that
• I’m a doctor damn it!
• I don’t wanna get involved in any controversy on the situation in the Middle East but as senior senator from my state, I think I can speak for my constituents, indeed all Americans, when I say, “Fuck ’em!”. You know, there are certain phrases in American history that have caught the fancy of the American people. The phrase that’s always caught my fancy or aroused me, as it were, is “Let’s bomb them suckers into the Stone Age”. You know, it wouldn’t be like Vietnam. They don’t have no jungle to hide under, just sand and rock. To my way of thinkin’, if the United States Cavalry can take care of Paiutes and Comanches a B-52 ought to do just fine with those camel jockeys. Of course, this is strictly off the record, you understand. Yeah, sure. Of course, you’re all aware of my campaign platform which is a return to the gold standard, euthanasia for all welfare recipients, and six N.F.L. Franchises, each with its own stadium, for the state of Louisiana. And our campaign slogan which is, “Let them eat brownies.”

Viewer Quotes:

• Please, come in and plow my friend
• Pay no attention to the women behind the curtain
• Tricks are what whores do for money
• Because of the implication

Things we learned:

• If your boyfriend’s friend is a dick don’t get on a train with him
• Just because you are in medical doesn’t mean you are a “doctor”
• The conductor is going to be blamed for all of it because his fingerprints are over all of it
• Never put down your weapon
• Don’t emotionally traumatize a murderer
• Actually don’t emotionally traumatize anyone
• Classic example of Hollywood’s trains-phobia
• You can wear a mask for 1 hour and 35 minutes without dying of low oxygen levels 🤔

Final Take:

Put a radio in your train. If someone in a mask isn’t talking… maybe ask them to pull up their mask (maybe not in 2020 but if it’s a halloween mask then yes). Why did they have a train car that no one had been in for year? Do they not care about their kilometer per shovelful of coal?

Date watched: 7/15/20

Starring: George Takei, Trishelle Cannatella, Ginny Weirick, Maitland McConnell 

Plot: Three college cheerleaders (and after-school go-go dancers) use their martial arts skills to save their Sensei from mafia kidnappers, but must keep their extracurricular activities a secret to realize their Ivy League dreams at Brown. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• Enough with the Die Hard references
• Some things you can’t let slide ya know? — I don’t — Well you can’t
• It’s a ninja thing, you just wouldn’t understand
• What do you know? You’ve obviously never run a crime family
• You know the dark ninja’s that were expelled from your country for some questionable behavior? I hired one. — Perhaps you should have hired 2
• Ninja’ don’t use guns! — Ahh but I’m old and I forgot the rules sometimes

Viewer Quotes:

• You girls like Mexico (Meh-he-co)
• He taught them how to bikini wax on, bikini wax off
• The dumb blond routine with the cop was pretty good actually
• * Paused on tit-transition to discuss if tits are fake or not * (initiated by the female viewers) – Poll Results (from the female viewers): Tits are fake (the video was paused for over 5min total and multiple angles were examined 🤦‍♂️)
• * Another tit examination, frame by frame, again, initiated by the female viewers * (Including a lookup on MrSkin, by a female watcher)
• This movie had the breast cutscenes
• For drinking rules “drink every-time one of the girls winks” — I actually removed that section because we never came up with any

Things we learned:

• George Takei is an amazing actor
• Brown must have low acceptance standards for accepting 3 girls from the same school/small town
• Browns tuition = 6 months of stripping/go-go-dancing + 1 stripping/go-go-dancing contest

Final Take:

Make sure you watch the bloopers/extra-scenes at the end. 100% worth it.

Date watched: 7/8/20

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Erika Eleniak, Coolio 

Plot: Count Dracula terrorizes the crew of a spaceship. (From IMDB)

Quotes:

• I put up with your shit because you’re big, black and ugly. I’d love it if you’d just learn to take an order and shut the fuck up
• “Don’t worry about it”
• If I die this is going to go down as the worst summer job I ever had
• Bro, this is how they used to smuggle shit back in the day. Might find something — Bro, this is how they used to carry dead bodies back in the day.
• “Don’t worry about it”
• Did I ever tell you how many times I’d see you and want to ejaculate all over your bazongas?
• This vampire dude, he’s a brother? — No, Humvee, he is not a black man. — Well, excuse me for sayin’, all this bloodsucking stuff, that’s some white people shit, right?

Viewer Quotes:

• HUGE tracts of ambition
• Ahh, space communists
• “She is NWC” — You know me

Things we learned:

• We still have racism way out into the future
• You can always kill a vampire with a pool cue (as long as they are still using natural wood from 2950)
• Vampires are aliens from the planet Transylvania
• Comptonia has the best weed
• Sometimes Pleasure Bots are reprogramed to be narcs

Final Take:

If you run out of budget just have the ship explode abruptly at the end.

Date watched: 6/24/20

Starring: Otto Jespersen, Robert Stoltenberg, Knut Nærum

Plot: A group of students investigates a series of mysterious bear killings, but learns that there are much more dangerous things going on. They start to follow a mysterious hunter, learning that he is actually a troll hunter. (From IMDB)

Rules:

• I think we give up on this section…

Quotes:

• TROLL!!!!!!
• It would be so awesome to get him to talk — Do you think Michael Moore gave up after the first try?
• No one here believes in god or Jesus? Because they can smell the blood of a Christian man
• RUN DAMNIT!
• The way that troll sniffed around, clearly one of you believe in god
• I don’t get nuisance pay for working nights, Maybe it’s time for a change in troll management
• Do you think you can get this on TV? — I don’t think that will be a problem
• This is not a Scandinavian bear!
• There are mountain trolls and your woodland trolls…
• TSS = Troll Security Services
• “Slayed Troll” Form – Paperwork for when you kill a troll
• I need the troll stench
• Do we have any more of that troll stench? — Why are you so nervous? — I’M CHRISTIAN
• You don’t believe in god? — I’m a muslim
• Do you really believe in trolls? — Do you think a squirrel did this?
• 🎵 What a friend we have in Jesus 🎵
• It’s been impossible to get the government to confirm the TSS

Viewer Quotes:

• They are so stealthy /s
• Do you think Michael Moore gave up when a troll tried to eat him? Hell no!
• Ahh, so it’s like Grizzly (delivery service for dead bears, reference)
• So they should submit the tapes now… — Nah, they should take all the evidence back out into the field
• Isn’t that the guy that plays Aziraphale?

Things we learned:

• It’s safer to be an atheists — at least if you are going to live in Norway
• There are mountain trolls and your woodland trolls (yes this is a repeat from the quotes)
• Trolls can explode
• Trolls can carry rabies
• Disgruntled park workers make great whistleblowers
• Trolls grow extra heads as they grow older but only 1 is functional and the rest are ornamental

Final Take:

Don’t go hunting trolls if you believe in god.