Bad Movie Wednesday

Date watched: 5/27/20

Starring: Paul McGann, James Corden, Mathew Horne, MyAnna Buring

Plot: Their women having been enslaved by the local pack of lesbian vampires thanks to an ancient curse, the remaining menfolk of a rural town send two hapless young lads out onto the moors as a sacrifice. (From IMDB)

Rules:

• When girls kiss
• Misogynist camera / The Breast Movie Experience

Quotes:

• And with that, he lopped her fucking head off
• A medieval gay bar
• She is much much more than your average vampire queen
• It’s your turn to go with the larger one
• Fuck this, run you bellends
• I reckon we are all going to die horribly, have a beer
• Even dead women’d sooner sleep with each other than get with me. Next it will be gay werewolves
• All we have to do is sit tight till morning, I mean it’s not like I’m going to say “Hey lesbian vampires, come into our cottage”… Oh shit
• It draws it’s power from the demon dildo (pronounced de-al-do)
• That’s my penis
• There is only one solution — The cock sword?
• Mate, that sword has a cock for a handle
• Sorry, you’re not my type
• Unbelievable, saved the day and not even a kiss
• Are you suggesting we become Lesbian Vampire Killers?

Viewer Quotes:

• What is Littlefinger doing here? (timestamp 42:40)
• Just to be clear, those are condoms filled with holy water? — That will never work. Have you seen the commercials, they can fill those will 2 gallons before they pop
• Alright Palpatine, calm down
• She stole queen Amidala’s wig
• It would almost be romantic if so many people hadn’t died — Don’t kink shame
• It feels so right in his hand

Things we learned:

• All witches gyrate the same way (coming from a recent watch of Witches and Bitches)
• While a sword would not normally be effective against a vampire I guess a dildo sword is against lesbian vampires.
• Lesbian vampires explode with jizz when they are killed.

Final Take:

Approved.

Date watched: 5/20/20

Starring: Eric Roberts, Rib Hillis, Casey Fitzgerald 

Plot: After an accidental explosion at a local mine, dinosaurs emerge from the rubble to terrorize a small western town. Now, a group of gunslingers must defend their home if anyone is going to survive in a battle of cowboys versus dinosaurs. (From IMDB)

Rules:

• Every time you see a clear Jurassic Park ripoff
• Every time you are annoyed at how jerky the dinosaur animation is

Quotes:

• I never should have hired a woman straight out of college
• You want Some Gothic Ranch Action? *Opens fire*
• Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I don’t like this shit at all
• Well done cowboy, well done
• I had something like this happen in Belize
• You made you bed, now you can go die in it
• You’re history

Viewer Quotes:

• Why are they lassoing them?
• Let me prove Dinosaurs exist… Smell this! *Hold up charred flesh of dinosaur*
• OMG IS HE GOING TO RIDE A HORSE TO KILL DINOSAURS WHAT?!

Things we learned:

• Nothing? Where did the dinosaurs come from?
• Worst movie prop goes to the traffic camera that was supposed to be….a methane detector?

Final Take:

This movie borrows liberally from Jurassic Park and even ends in a similar way setting up for a sequel. As of mid-2020 there is no sequel😞

Date watched: 5/13/20

Starring: Hugo Silva, Mario Casas, Pepón Nieto

Plot: A gang of armed robbers finds a safe haven in a secluded village crammed with witches–only to encounter the bizarre, the unexpected, and the occult. Can they save themselves, and the rest of the world from the next witch apocalypse? (From IMDB)

Rules:

• (none – we aren’t good at this)

Quotes:

• “Run Christ, for christ’s sake!”
• Where did you read that Ripley’s? No, World’s greatest mysteries
• If she’s alive… I don’t know. If she is dead… I still don’t know
• What is she doing with the broom? Not sweeping up, that’s for sure
• Excuse me but that really hurts. Then cry quietly
• I read in cosmopolitan that men are getting floppier and floppier
• How long does it take someone to burn? I don’t know, this is my first time
• I don’t want her to change, I like her the way she is: Feisty

Viewer Quotes:

• Frog Lube
• Ahh yes, comically large silverware…
• She is going to ride him like a broom
• Tig ol’ Bitties
• I just love how they dressed up that boy like a strawberry

Things we learned:

• Do not bring your child on a robbery
• Never use a gas station toilet
• Don’t leave behind your bag of gold rings
• Don’t piss off lawyers
• If you see a “naked piglet” on the side of the road, go back and get them
• Use your powers for school talent shows

Final Take:

Will we ever know what that last line was? (Note: the movie was in Spanish with English subtitles but the last line wasn’t translated). Witches are a very tight knit community. This was basically Shawn of the Dead but with witches.

Date watched: 5/6/20

Starring: Lindsay Hollister, Brendan Fletcher, Michael Paré, Clint Howard 

Plot: An action comedy centered on an overweight woman whose footsteps cause explosions and whose dual swords are used against anyone who makes fun of her. (From IMDB)

Rules:

• Any time they say “Blubberella”
• Any time they re-use footage

Quotes:

• I hope you aren’t standing too close to the TV, I call that my “splash zone”
• There is no place like Berlin
• The assault happened in Daylight — Daylight? Fuck my donkey
• Ring around the pussy! I love this game
• You should really be a stripper, that way you have a better chance of getting a sugar daddy
• Slutvana – Ask her about her group rate
• Would you put a dick in her mouth so she shuts up already?

Viewer Quotes:

• Did you see all the dildo’s in that bed?
• When were cotton candy machines invented?

Things we learned:

• The Drag Queen ad-lib’d everything

Final Take:

We had to stop 35 mins and 41 seconds into this movie due to technical issues with remote-watching (it’s worked multiple times before but tonight it was a no-go). I don’t think we missed much. It was more a combination of short random scenes than a movie…